Film Junkies

SANCTUARY and FATAL CHASE

2009-10-16T21:49:00.000-07:00

Sanctuary (USA. 1997)

Made for TV fluff. In this slimmed down production, Marc Dacascos barely get a chance to show off his moves. Due to budge limitations most fights last a whopping two kicks and a punch. It adopts a rather confusing flashback structure onto a relatively simple story of a secret government assassin organization. For some reason, it features a lot of out of place Suspira-ish multi colored lighting. Set up for a much more interesting “Catholic Sanctioned Killer” sequel that never appeared. Director Tibor Takas (Mansquitto and Ice Spiders!) is up to his usual director-for-hire tricks. He’s a long way from his masterpiece THE GATE.

Fatal Chase (Hong Kong. 1992)

A perfect example of a generic Hong Kong Action film: Characters drop in and out as we follow a free flowing (Does that mean it's arty?) structure that features boring talk, a pointless unfunny comedy scene, painfully dangerous action chaos, followed by MORE boring talking. Repeat until the generic COP VS ROBERS storyline comes to its rousing (if unearned) squib filled climax. Another solid entry to the bargain bin action film library from stuntman/director auteur Phillip Ko. He churned these out in the Phillipine’s on a seemingly bi-weekly basis in the 90’s. Bonus points for featuring a leather clad bad ass midget. The version I have (a VHS rip) dubs every male character in a booming “Smokes four packs a day” gravelly voice. (Even Mr. Wimpy himself Waise Lee gets an air of gravitas!). It’s fun for all the eye popping “He must have died doing that” stunt work, but not really worth seeking out otherwise. I picked this one up because Robin Chou (Mortal Kombat and Red Trousers) starred. Sadly, he doesn’t sport his flowing horse mane of shoulder length hair.

For the last time, I’m not gay.

I think.

Yukari Oshima looks hot kicking ass in this (For the five minutes she's actually on screen)

SEE!

Not gay.

***

Red to Kill (1994) HONG KONG

2009-09-19T10:41:00.000-07:00

Hong Kong CAT III films (The equivalent of an NC-17) are usually trashy, moronic and filled with out of place humor. Leave it to Director Billy Tang (Of DR.LAMB fame) to deliver a straight up masterpiece in the genre with RED TO KILL. All the ingredients are in place: A shirtless muscle bound killer who viciously rapes his victims, an apartment building filled with mentally retarded adults and gracious helpings of painful gore. Under Tang's sure handed direction they come together perfectly and deliver sickening mixture of exploitative horror. The blue tinted cinematography lends the proceedings an Argento-ish feel, but the pure depravity brings to mind the sleaze of the grimy 70’s grindhouse cinema. The only thing missing is a whacked out performance by CAT III alumni Anthony Wong and Simon Yam.

You can rent or buy this film at EYESORE CINEMA (801 Queen West, Toronto, Ontario)

Superfights (USA.1996)

2009-05-20T21:13:00.000-07:00

An earlier film from the crew that spewed out the enjoyable Blood Moon (Director/Action Choreographer Tony Leung, Writer Keith W. Strandberg, Cinematographer Derek Wan ), Superfights is another helping of the same: Candy colored comic book cinematography, a flat and predictable plot and heaps of creative low budget action. The only difference here is that Bloodmoon had one cardboard, but watchable lead, while Superfights only has nerve grating characters that are acted in a fashion that causes uncontrollably bodily expulsion. The guy playing our ‘innocent’ hero Jack is one of the worst actors I’ve seen in a long time and he’s only topped by the villain (who can barely get his lines out), the female love interest, the hero’s mother, the disturbingly buff female fighter ‘Angel’ and…well…You get the drift. All of the acting is bad. When was the last time a film had a montage set to its custom theme song? (SuperFights! Superfights! SUPERFIGHTS) If you’re in desperate need for some quality-grade action cinema, see Bloodmoon, if you liked it, see Superfights, but don’t tell me I didn’t warn you. I would recommend watching it on mute and making up your own story.

KORKUSUZ- RAMPAGE! (TURKISH RAMBO)

2009-05-19T21:28:00.000-07:00

RAMPAGE -Korkusuz(TURKISH RAMBO)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3AEZJPS4SB4

Welcome to the land of the foreign rip-off! You have heard of the bloated Bollywood (Indian Cinema) copies, but have you suffered through some incredible low budget Turkish monstrosities? RAMPAGE is a film that is stiffly acted, has dull direction, and doesn’t have an original bone in its body. Then why watch it? Well, for the mind boggling straight faced goofiness that’s one display: The cheapest rocket launcher around, unconvincing wall breaking, the marble visage of our literally invincible hero (KNIVES CAN’T CUIT HIM!) It’s not quite as crazy as Turkish Star Wars (Even though it shares the same director) but it does have enough standout scenes to make it a memorable evening in copyright free land. The gang at Dark Maze Cinema (http://www.darkmaze.com/) for picking up this piece of trash cinema and giving it a release it never deserved. Due to copyright issues (The use of Jerry Goldsmith’s score in the original track) they’ve had to re-dub every single line, write their own music and re-create the sound design. The choice of playing it relatively straight and not going the KUNG POW root is admirable, because the film is so silly it really speaks for itself. The epic score and the professionally polished action movie sound effects (The highlight being the rocket launcher of cour) add extra points to the films humor. The DVD comes with a helpful commentary from the founder of Dark Maze and the Sound Designer/Composer and a nice little 20 minute documentary about the film and Turkish cinema in general.

2009-05-18T21:28:00.000-07:00

DOUBLE DRAGON (USA. 1994)

Silly. Stupid. Worthless. All of those words can easily apply to this head scratching adaptation of hit 8 bit video game DOUBLE DRAGON. It all takes place in a bizzaro world run by Saturday morning cartoon gangs and a cackling evil millionaire villain (Robert Patrick) that are after the two brother heroes (Marc Dacascos and Scott Wolf). It all involves some murkily explained supernatural medallion that grants invincibility and body hopping powers. If you want a course in overacting and cringe worthy dialogue, this is the place to settle down. The comedy is composed of screaming uncontrollably when something dangerous arises, running away and then defeating them in some heeeeelllaaarious way. Action scenes are nearly non-existent even with the amazing Marc Dacascos (See DRIVE and BROTHERHOOD OF THE WOLF) going to waste once again. As previously stated there’s nothing of real worth here, just silliness that rolls by before your eyes and causes only minor physical pain. It suffers from SUPER MARIO BROS syndrome of making everything WACKY while at the same time frightening (Mario Bros had the ‘effin scary shrunken headed Koopas and Double Dragon has the freakish giant muscle man. Guaranteed to haunt kids dreams!)

EXPLORERS (USA. 1995)

I’m a massive fan of Director Joe Dante's (Gremlins) brand of goofy old school style of filmaking and when he made a picture about Children, Science and Aliens, my interest was peaked. All of those are the building blocks for Dante genius, and it’s a shame that what he delivered has some shining parts, but falls apart the second it leaves the atmosphere. It’s a surprisingly uneventful picture in which a bunch of kids discover a blue alien sphere (through computer science), build a spaceship, and then go out into space. There’s no conflict, no big bad, or any real point. The kids are charming (River Pheonix and Ehthan Hawke) and the world that Dante builds feels real, but there’s really no meat on a story that is forcibly stretched out to an hour and forty six minutes. It wins points for not talking down to its audience, but loses a chunk for feeling like a twist episode of THE TWILIGHT ZONE.

Far Cry - Shakedown (Blue Jeans Cop)

2009-05-17T23:51:00.000-07:00

FAR CRY (USA?. 2008)

The world’s most hated director does it again! Far Cry was never much of a story driven game (an amnesiac man fights a bunch of people on an island), but did he really have to add an entire vampire people subplot to make it interesting? The only thing in common this film has with its source material is some font and the fact that the guy wears a Hawaiian shirt. Otherwise, it’s a fairly dull action movie where a German (?) ex-special forces man takes on a bunch of genetically altered humans on an island. Nothing much happens for forty minutes, and when the action heats up all we get are some generic shootouts and punch-up’s tinged with a few nifty gore gags. I miss the old Uwe that would deliver films so bad the entertainment factor jumped tenfold. With Far Cry he just does a casual workman like job and lures the audience into a comfortable slumber.

SHAKEDOWN (USA. 1988)

“Not enough action”. That’s the biggest complaint I have when it comes to my all time favorite genre – THE ACTION FILM! The audience expects it and if the filmmakers don’t deliver, no matter how quick the pace is, people are going to leave disappointed. Blue Jeans Cop is one of those films that really needs 2-3 extra action sequences to liven up a rather straightforward courtroom drama. It’s an even bigger loss because the two action scenes that do appear in the film are fantastic (if completely unmotivated). The plot concerns attorney Ronal Dalton (A surprisingly charming Peter Weller) having to defend a drug dealer who killed a cop he swears was trying to rob him. All of this leads to a big conspiracy of involving a l crooked cops and and Sam Elliot as Weller’s grizzled (Does Elliot play any other role?) as a buddy cop. The two characters have a great repartee, but it feels more like an episode of a long standing television series then a live action film. Director/Writer James Glickenhaus is skilled when the action appears and he does keep the plot moving, but this is nothing more then a thriller that has two action scenes shoehorned in awkwardly. Keep that in mind and you won’t be disappointed.

The city is a dangerous place filled with KUNG FU!

2009-05-17T01:19:00.000-07:00

Fear City (USA. 1984)

Director Abbel Ferrera phones in the story of a kung fu serial killer knocking off a bunch of strippers with a tiny little blade. There’s nothing particular wrong with the picture, but there’s nothing real notable about it either. The two lead pimps are pretty dull characters, the stripers get little development before their knocked off, and the serial killer’s martial art hook is barely played up and just ends up being goofily out of place. It’s as if Abel had to his ‘dirty New York film’ quota and pumped this one out till he jumped to the next thing.

Bloodmoon (USA. 1997)

Now that’s how you shoot an exciting martial arts film! You get a talented crew of athletes, a skilled director/action choreographer and you pack your film to the rafters with sequence after sequence of punch ups that feels fresher then the last. While the action in this film is damn exciting (Especially for an American production) the stiff acting, retarded script and merely okay direction (of the non-action bits) lowers everything else on the cinematic scale. Director Tony Leung has worked in Hong Kong for years and he ditches reality and give everything a wire assisted comic book feel. Star Gary Daniels (As the cop with a troubled past. Weighty) is the same stiff board he’s always been (but man can he kick ass!) and lead villain Darren Shalavi knows how to lay down the crazy kicks between his cringe worthy dialogue (“AND NOW THE END GAME HAS BEGUN!”) Make special note of “Should we find him annoying or slightly amusing?” comic relief black sidekick (Played by Chuck Jeffreys) who happens to be a magician? It's refreshing to see everyone do their own fighting, even if the actual dialogue and emoting suffer are gutted in the process.

CONSENSUS: Action! Boredom! Action! Action! Everything is lit like a Argento film! Neat!

Are we back?

2009-03-29T00:06:00.000-07:00

Don't throw parties just yet. Film Junkies has not risen from the grave quite yet, but may be experience an evolution of sorts in the next few days. Watch this space and all will be revealed soon enough to everyone patient enough.

Nothingess

2008-11-13T09:05:00.000-08:00

Where’d all the fireworks go?

My plan was always going to be that I update this site with a movie review a day till the cows came home, called it a day, and took a nice long nap. I’d make my fame and fortune off the spoils of my brilliant literary wit and criticism skill.

Then…*dramatic thunder-clap* It all went wrong.

I started school full-time. I got a part time job working at a library. I became the promotions manager at the Bloor Cinema in Toronto. The reviews started coming out in fits. My writing started to become tedious and repetitive (Some would argue it was always that way). I was beginning to feel like I was filling in mad-libs sheets.

It was over.

Will the glory days of Film Junkies ever be back with vengeance? Hard to say. For all intents and purposes I LOVE to write about film and I don’t’ seem shutting about it anytime soon, so there’s always that dangling carrot. If you live in Toronto, you’ve lucked out on the best hand possible, because you’ll be able to suffer through my on-stage introductions to all the retro and cultish films at The Bloor Cinema. I’ll be also be organizing together a film group to discuss cinematic geekery once a week in association with the theater.

Everyone else...Uh…I’d recommend checking this site out maybe twice a months for scattered updates, but forget about it being daily or even weekly, it just isn’t going to happen. Well, unless you’re an eccentric millionaire who wants to pay my way through life, call me, we'll iron out the details.

Toronto After Dark Day 5

2008-10-25T21:40:00.000-07:00

Netherbeast Incorporated (USA. 2007)

Expanded from an award winning short film (which happens to be re-created in the first scene) Nether beast Incorporated deals with the repercussions that come about when a CEO gets amnesia and forgets that the entire office is made up of vampires (Him included). From a funny premise we get a slightly funny movie that starts off strong and quickly loses its way when it attempts to take its premise seriously and squeeze a little drama. They accidentally squeeze out the fun instead. The cast is filled with B-list stars (Dave Foley, Jason Mewes, Darrell Hammond) that can be nothing more of a presence because they aren’t given any material to work with. The ending fails miserably, with completely melodramatic plot twists, a piss poor sound design and a coda that goes on way past its welcome. The first scene is the funniest thing and that's a bad sign when it's a shot-for-shot remake of the short film the entire thing is based on.

Who is K.K Downey? (CANADA. 2008)

Straight from Montreal, Quebec, Who is K.K Downey? is about two loser best friends that attempt to make it big by publishing a sordid tale of fiction called ‘Truck stop Hustler’ and pretending that it’s all true. One of them will pose as the author and the other one will be his ‘Manager’. Unexpectedly the book becomes a smash hit, things get out of hand, the good friend goes bad, and they realize that the price of fame isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. It’s not a new tale by any stretch of the imagination but the presentation of it all is fresh enough to keep you interested. The two leads (Darren Curtis and Matt Silver) are funny in small doses but start to wear out their welcome as the film reaches its conclusion. The satirical vein on the art scene is more playful then darkly comic which is a bit of shame. They poke the scene instead of ripping out it's guts like I hoped for. It's such an easy target that a more brutal take on it would have worked a little better. Still, it’s rare to see such a well put together film coming from our home and native land, so give it a watch even though it kind of runs itself dry before the end credits roll.

Toronto After Dark - Day 3

2008-10-22T11:58:00.001-07:00

I ducked behind a garbage can and held my breath. Across the street I could see that Chris had gotten himself completely surrounded. He raised his weak little arms and begged for mercy. The horde didn’t hesitate. A zombie dressed as Ronald McDonald grabbed him by the head and an undead flesh eater dressed like a blushing bride with half her jaw ripped off, held his arms back. Chris tried to scream and all that slipped from his lips was a girlish little whimper “Help me Justin..." I looked away and didn't look back till the screaming stopped.

They ate his kidneys first. The joys of Zombie Walk Day.

The film of the day for me was the pseudo zombie-er Brain Dead. I went in with zero expectation and stepped out unsurprised. The plot is uninspired (A bunch of people get trapped in a cabin and are attacked by a couple of alien zombie type things), and the characters are either aggravating (The smart-ass hero) to annoying (The By-The-Books Butch Lesbian) with nothing in between. It's gives the audience a bad case of the "Why won't they all just die" decease. Kevin S. Tenney’s (of ‘Night of the Demons’ and ‘Witchboard’ fame) direction is pleasantly polished, but he still runs into some weird pacing problems that make the whole jaunt feel like it lasts three hours. If you’re in it for the fun gore, forget it, everything worthwhile was included in the trailer. Just go and watch that again.

Toronto After Dark - DAY 2

2008-10-20T22:58:00.000-07:00

“I saved us some seats!”Chris in the tone of voice better suited for a ten year old kid showing his parents his A+ paper. I glanced around the empty theater and turned back to his grinning face. I half expected him to throw up a hand and go “HIGH-FIVE!”

You know the guy in line that’s hopping from foot to foot as if he needs to pee? You may arrive early every time and this is guy is always there first! That’s Chris.

I’m the hobo looking fellow slumped in his seat. I'm fighting a losing battle with his eyelids because I spent most of that morning dancing to techno beats with his fellow filmgoers. I’m also the poor sucker has a Philosophy paper that needs to be handed in first thing Monday morning.

Don’t worry. I’m watching movies instead. I have my priorities straight.

Idiots and Angels proved to be familiar stomping ground for bat-shit insane (And really nice guy) Director/Animator/Writer Bill Plympton: It has his grotesque caricatures of humanity, the crazy animated directorial touches and screaming (lots of screaming). After a lengthy break from feature filmmaking, Bill decides to scale back from his last two major works: ‘Mutant Aliens and the STILL unreleased (In North America) ‘Hair High’, and instead grab simple concept and run with it. In this case, it’s the story of an unlikable man being gifted with a pair of Angel Wings. There’s definite creativity on display here, but the smaller scale and a lack of laugh-out loud moments make it more of an interesting (and slightly un-engaging) animated experiment then a successful film.

The Chilean super-hero film Mirage Man does everything right. It’s not an outright comedy, nor is it a serious faced commentary on the genre. It’s a simple story with a solid emotional core, a sly sense of humor and proves to be another step forward (After the unwieldy Kiltro) toward action stardom for star Mark Zardoz. Its action is quotient is high, but mostly composed of people getting hit in the face and falling hard on cement.

The third film of the night was the sold-out screening of REPO: THE GENETIC OPERA. I reviewed it already HERE, but after a second viewing, I can confidently state it holds up even better. I kept my opinions in check this time, let the music roll over me, and really got hooked. I didn’t realize till now that the ENTIRE FILM is music. The only parts that aren’t sung are a handful of phone calls. The screenwriter/grave robber said they have three discs of music ready to release! The film opens in Toronto on November 21’st.

The last film DONKEY PUNCH dealt with a bunch of beautiful rich people doing stupid things on a boat and then paying for their stupid mistakes in grizzly ways. The film wasn’t boring, it had a mean streak a mile long and the cast did a good job it they were trying to get me to hate all of them. Character motivations are all over the place (At one moment two people will want each other dead and then the next they’ll be speaking casually) and the ending is abrupt in a way that makes you go “But the character could just…Aw…Never mind.”

After Dark: DAY 1 - Let The Right One In

2008-10-20T14:31:00.000-07:00

DAY 1

The Narrator (Justin Decloux) – He smells faintly of garlic. His hair isn’t combed. He’ll stare at you with a glazed expression and speak only references to pre-season 10 episodes of The Simpsons. Stay clear.

Christian Murdoch –A Fanatic Film Fan. He’s the narrator’s go-to guy for help assassinating zombies. He can crush a man’s skull into the form of a diamond. He would make an ideal husband.

Madison Parker- Festival Virgin and Female Perspective on Male Idiocy. She will woo you with her boundless charm.

Adam Lopez – Head Programmer, Manager and all around maestro of the After Dark Film Festival. The few who have felt his wrath have been stricken from history books. Mortal eyes shall wither and burn if they ever cross his form.

Dobblar the Gopher– An Evil Gopher who does Evil Things. Sneaky. Don't eat any of his candy.

“What if they figure out I’m a fraud?” I whispered to Chris, my partner in crime, as we shuffled closer to the table where I was going to pick up my press pass. I wasn’t press. I was just a guy who couldn’t differentiate you and you’re. I was a bozo that scribbled rants about films I onlt half remembered seeing through a haze of highly illegal narcotics at 4:00 AM in a stranger's (He had a beard. I think) basement. I’ve only seen twelve films in my entire life. Everything else I make up as I go along.

“You’ll be fine. I’m the one that’s sweating.” Chris said. He was a few years shy of the mandatory viewing age and his charade of appearing older wore him down to a jangle of nerves.

“Don’t worry! I don’t think anyone will realizes you’re actually s—“ I said loud enough for all 1104 people in line to hear.

Chris signaled me to be quiet down by punching me in the throat. The suits could be listening. The whole operation could be blown. And if he was going to miss out on After Dark, the only highlight in his barren high-school existence, he would have my head on a pike. Then he would kill me. Slowly.

It was my second time at Toronto After Dark (Now in its third incarnation) and the feeling of something exra-special was in the air. The films were high-class (Snagging the soon to be cult Repo: The Genetic Opera was a coup), the presentation slicker then ever (It’s all about the glossy full color programs) and more ticket sales then they ever imagined possible promised rowdy crowds. I had somehow tricked the management into letting me attend as a member of the Press this year. My human sacrifice had finally paid off.

The film of the night was ‘Let One Right In’, a Swedish film about a bullied twelve year old boy who befriends a 12 year old looking girl that happens to have a taste for the red stuff. Yup, she’s a vampire.

‘Let the Right One In’ was the perfect picture start off the fest: Dramatic, featured a hint of genre without ever going over the top with it, and a foreign filmness to add to make the audience think 'I'm seeing something different' . It’s the kind of film that is easier to talk about then watch again. I found the performances spot on, the mood perfect, and the direction restrained. I don’t know if I’d rush out to see it again, mostly because of a painfully slow pace, but I wouldn't hesitate to recommend it.

For the first time ever, an After Dark screening was completely sold out. Not only that, but due to a processing error, 100 ticket holders had to be turned away at the door due to the theater being packed to capacity. Adam Lopez was sincerely sorry about it all, but you could tell that on the inside, he was happy as blood gorged vampire.

***

I stepped out into the cool 3 AM night air and took a deep breath. My friend Madison giggled. Behind us, the After Party continued to rock on. Someone was beating up the strings on a Viola.
“I’ve never been this drunk” Madison slurred through her trade marked grin “Do festivals always rock this much?"

"Only time will tell." I said in my best wise-man voice "But I think you got lucky with this one."

She agreed by breaking into a dance. A homeless man wearing a top-hat glanced in our direction and I could almost read his thoughts.

"Crazy film people."

And proud of it!

Toronto After Dark

2008-10-19T12:44:00.001-07:00

The After Dark Film Festival is up and running and hitting the city with a slew of fantastic genre films. We've already been treated to flat out marvels ("Let the Right One In" and "Mirageman" to name a few) and the week only gets better from there on out.

On Monday you have a hard-edged (and undoubtedly nauseatingly ultra-violent) film Red, based on a Novel by Jack Ketchum. Following that is the Asian Shocker Omnibus film "4Bia." I had a chance to see the latter at Fantasia this year and if you like your slices of horror creepalicious and filled with seat-flying moments, this is the one for you.

On Tuesday, you get the rip-roaring horror comedy "Netherbeast Incorporated" and the Montreal based soon to be cult comic extravaganza "Who is K.K Downey?"

Check out complete listing at TORONTOAFTERDARK.COM. I'll be updating in a few days with some reviews, ramblings and akwardly personal journal entries of my time at the fest. If you spot me (Green Press Pass, Black Hair, Glasses, Extremely Loud) feel free to shout out my name and I'll happily wander over to chat.

City of Ember (USA. 2008)

2008-10-12T22:33:00.000-07:00

WATCH THE TRAILER HERE

Imaginatively designed and directed with a sure-hand by sophomore filmmaker Gil Kenan (Monster House), ‘City of Ember’ has all the makings of a solid kid's film but misses two key ingredients: Excitement and Conflict. It’s a fancy box that ends up containing nothing but wispy air.

After a stylish opening, we’re introduced to a city in dire peril. In the future, all humans live underground and rely on a giant generator for light. That generator is about to break down forever and everyone is in a complete state of denial. Two teenagers, a girl and a boy, are the only ones that can save the day.

‘City of Ember’ held promise. It had a interesting story, a director with a near-classic film under his belt and a a healthy budget to bring the original novel to life. I expected a children-led adventure filled with shocking conspiracies, fantastical monsters and hair-raising adventure. Not quite. Imagine an introduction stretched to a feature length running time. You keep expecting things to burst into action and they never do.

The acting is filled with ‘Hey! It’s that Guy/That Gal From That Thing!’ roles and the two leads are very casual. We even get Bill Murray taking on his first full role (After a slew of tiny cameos and voice work on *shudder* Garfield) in a while. Don’t be surprised to find the same old deadpan Murray without any Ghostbusters or Groundhog Day flair.

Don’t go in thinking this is a kids-on-a-mission films. It’s not. It’s a ‘Kids wander about and stumble onto things’ film. It has potential and completely wastes it. Questions like “Why can’t they go into the darkness?” and “Why are the bugs so big”, “What’s the deal with the blind religious faith that follows the “Builders”?” are brought up and quickly forgotten. There are a few hints of bigger things (A very well rendered giant monster thing) but they tease and never deliver. Even the climax of the film is underwhelming. There’s no reveal, build-up or pay-off. The film simply reaches a conclusion everyone over five knows it’s going to reach.

There’s nothing strictly wrong with ‘City of Ember’. It’s just a workmanlike experience with very little spark. The adults will notice the superb craft of it all and the kids will wish the its boringness was over.

Dance of the Dead (USA. 2008)

2008-10-10T15:40:00.000-07:00

WATCH THE TRAILER HERE

Everyone loves zombies. Your friend loves zombies, your little brother loves zombies and even your ‘too cool to be hip’ grandmother loves those brain munching rascallians. It's gotten to the point that they're lumbering pop-culture jokes. It doesn't help that every first time director wants to create a masterpiece with the 'Z' word right out the gate. The recipe seems so easy: Splatter everything in the red stuff, make people scream and flail their arms and add lots of smash zooms. Instant Cult Classic!? More like a hopelessly contrived mess (Like my writing!) that is trying so hard that it reminds you of that annoying kid who thought that being loud = being funny.

(Hey! I was that kid!)

I wouldn’t have given Dance of the Dead a second though if it weren’t for the Director Gregg Bishop. A few years back he was the mastermind behind the ultra- low budget (It only cost fifteen thousand!) action spectacular ‘The Other Side’ Now armed with a slightly higher cash-roll, he easily dodges the contagious bite of the sophomore slump. While ‘Dance of the Dead’ doesn’t do anything new, just remember the universal rule of storytelling: It's not about what you create out of thin air (The zombie can fly! And shoot fire from their fingertips! And juggle!). It's the journey that matters. 'Dance of the Dead' is all about the building blocks. The story follows a high-school characters that get attacked by an army of flesh eaters on the night of their prom. We’ve got the universal every-teen (Jared Kusnitz), his best friend who’s in love with the unreachable cheerleader, the uni-teen’s flighty sorta girlfriend, a gang of nerds, the tough kid, crazy gym teacher and a few other disposable archetypes that are going to be ripped apart along the way. The story takes about twenty minutes to set up before jumping into high gear with a fantastic ‘Zombies jumping out of their graves as if shot out of a cannon’ sequence that is jaw-dropping in scope. The nuclear-powered zombies in this world are a little ill defined so you’ll have to leave your common sense at the door. They can drive cars, move super fast (Thanks to the magic of frame cutting), and are hypnotized by Metal Music. Purists may balk, but it’s their loss, because we I haven’t seen something as consistently enjoyable as DoD in a blue moon.

The acting ranges from passable to believable (All teens were actually teens. Now that’s innovative) and it was a smart choice to skim lightly on the serious side of things ("He got bit. Isn't he going to change in a zombie any second now?") and stick closely to the ‘It’s a Freaking Fun Zombie Film!” motto. It gets top marks in the 'Audience Pleasing Cult Classic 101' category.

The gore in Dead is strictly of the splatstick variety and is consistently gleeful in squishing heads and ripping spines. Only the ending disappoints in its inability to deliver the balls to the wall climax the inner gore hound craved. The characters are like able, the situations wild and the directorial flourishes innovative without being to distracting. Gregg Bishop is obviously a film fan and I can only imagine the wonders he could paint if he was more expensive paintbrushes and a completely original premise.

Babylon A.D (USA. 2008)

2008-10-07T11:23:00.000-07:00

WATCH THE TRAILER HERE

Mr. Kassovitz, what happened? You wowed us all with the flat-out monumental film ‘La Haine’ in 1995 (Available on DVD in North America from CRITERION) and then…You decide to live a creative life of mediocrity. You directed a passable French thriller (Crimson Rivers), a sub-par Hollywood Horror fest (Gothika) and now you give us a second tier Vin Diesal actionner? Did you have a run in with a vampire that sucked every single drop of talent that once flowed strong through your veins?

In a sad global warming stricken future, Vin Diesel stars as a mercenary hired to transport a young girl (The multi-accented Mélanie Thierry) and her teacher (Michelle Yeoh) across numerous European countries. For comparisons sake, take all the over the top fun of ‘Chronicles of Riddick’, throw it to the side, cast an exhausted Vin Diesel (The guy can barely keep his eyes open here) and bring it all come as a terrible bore. Babylon A.D fails at everything it sets out to do. The action scenes are sloppy and confusing. The science-fiction elements are underdeveloped to the point of being nothing more than pretty set dressings. The closest things to characterizations are people saying things ‘she take of herself’A.K.A The Chinese woman is going to break out the kung-fu. Mathieu Kassovitz has shown time and time again that he can shoot a isually creative film. Sadly, you can only polish a turd so many ways.

When the director is quoted as saying "I'm very unhappy with the film. I never had a chance to do one scene the way it was written or the way I wanted it to be. The script wasn't respected. Bad producers, bad partners, it was a terrible experience." The idea gets across pretty clearly. It doesn’t’ take a super-short movie review to get the idea cross that this is nothing more than a waste of time.

Feast 2: Sloppy Second (USA. 2008)

2008-10-05T21:52:00.000-07:00

WATCH THE TRAILER HERE

FADE TO: I popped the original FEAST into the DVD player to the delight of all the people in the room. They gazed on in semi-bleary fashion. It took about twenty minutes before someone spoke.

“Why are we watching this?” he asked as a woman had a monster penis jammed down her throat, “This has no point.”

“You don’t understand!” I screamed “This is a solid mix of comedy, horror and splatter! You guys are SO WRONG!” And then I was sullen for AT LEAST ten minutes. We never spoke again.

Jump forward two years and change: The original director (John Gulager), the writers and some of the cast are back with FEAST 2: SLOPPY SECOND.

I take back my hissy fit. My friends must have seen into a future-television and instead of watching the pretty solid first film that night, they must have been seeing this film instead. It all makes sense now!

Picking up right after the first film ended, Sloppy Seconds attempts to up everything that people liked about the first film by making everything bigger. They fail miserably. Instead of a wink-and-a –nod cast of slightly self aware horror architects we get a massive cast of characters we could care less for. The Biker Chick (The Director’s Wife) from the first one returns (Well, her sister does at least), the director’s father is back for no reason (Paycheck!) and there’s some Mexican wrestling midgets (None of them are the related to the director. To my knowledge) that don’t do much! It’s a lot less fun then it sounds. Imagine all those characters on a badly green screened roof set. Then they do nothing. You’ve created your own version of FEAST 2!

They all head off into town to meet with a bunch of unmemorable actors and they – you know – I’m not quite sure what the story of this film was. They kind of hang around on a roof and try to get into a prison. That’s about it. The seemingly cool monsters are pushed into broad daylight and are completely rob them of any of the mystique they once had. The gore is an even sadder affair. Almost no one dies in the film (Even though the cast is massive) and the gore arrives few and far between. There are a few absolutely tasteless gags involving grand-mothers and babies but it couldn’t save the train-wreck. I can’t forgive a film that delivers most of its splatter in a CGI fashion. Doesn’t the creative team know abt better? And if you’re telling yourself that they’re saving it for the climax, forget it, the second the shit really hits the fans we cut away and the credits roll. WHAT THE HELL!? Are they saving it all for the film they shot back-to-back with this one, FEAST 3: HAPPY FINISH? Maybe this is all a joke and the third film will explain it for the people slow in the audience, namely, me.

I want to end this review with a pun on the title SLOPPY SECOND. I won’t do it. I’m a better person then that.

Perhaps Love (HONG KONG. 2005)

2008-10-03T23:16:00.000-07:00

WATCH THE TRAILER HERE

Out of all the genres that could pop out of the current wasteland that was once the Hong film industry, I never expected a big-budget musical to lead the pack. Especially when Director/Co-Writer Peter Chan (Famous for a bunch of mid 90’s Romantic Dramas and the president of one of the bigger HK production companies) has gone on record saying that he hates the genre.

Hmmmmmm.

Takeshi Kashaniro stars as Lin, a movie-star starring in a big budget musical directed by famed auteur Nie Wen (Jackie Cheung). It would be nothing more than another gig if it weren’t for the fact that his female co-star (Zhou Xu) is the love of his life (from a decade ago) that broke his heart. Things get even more complicated when you factor in that she’s currently romantically entangled with Nie Wen. I see tragedy and romance set to song in the near future! If you play your cars right, there may even be DANCING!

With cinematography by Peter Pau (All of the Shanghai scenes/the musical numbers) and Christopher Doyle (Everything set in Beijing) I never expected the visual to be anything less than breathtaking. I wasn’t disappointed.. I’m also glad to see Popstar/Actor Jackie Cheung finally appear in front of the cameras again after what feels like a eight year sabbatical. The rest of the cast do a great job at being pretty (Will Takeshi Kashaniro ever age?) and they perform pretty enthusiastically when the film gives them a chance too.

It's a shame they don't get very many chances.

Musicals are constructed to evoke broad emotions. Joy! Happiness! Sadness! All of those eventually lead to the big one: “Love” ‘Perhaps Love’ has the skeleton of the story but it forgets a very important building block: Actually caring for the characters. Everyone in this film is bitter, broken or completely alienated from the world. Even in the flashbacks, the two main characters budding romance held very little joy for either them. You have no one to root for (unless you’re picking the most handsome) in a love triangle were everyone is miserable. Factor in the fact that these people all have pretty cushy lives and the sympathy meter takes an even deeper nose dive. They can’t express their emotions? Boo-Hoo.

The songs themselves are catchy and the numbers big and creative, if a little too quick cut to my taste. They just don’t fit in the film. It almost feels like the director didn’t trust he could keep the audience’s attention unless he keeps everything grounded and ‘real’. We get it. Musicals are not real. People don’t burst into song when emotions are stirred within them. If you don’t like it, or it bugs you, then you don’t watch those films. It’s as simple as that. Don’t try to cheat your around it. Without the songs directly impacting any of the events on screen (they only mirror what we already know) it seems like a superlative addition to a simple romantic drama.

‘Perhaps Love’ is real in a depressing way and big in a hollow way. It’s pretty to look at, slightly memorable and it did sweep the HK Academy Awards in 2005, so maybe I’m just a speaking from a cold granite heart.

Sukiyaki Western Django

2008-10-01T19:06:00.000-07:00

WATCH THE TRAILER HERE

More of exercise in aggressive style then an actual movie, Sukiyaki Western Django is fun sensatory candy and little else. Based (very loosely) on the Italian Django films series, the story follows a young Japanese Cowboy (Hideaki Ito ) who rides into a town and gets himself caught in between two gangs, the whites and the reds, that are after the town’s secret buried gold. Throw in a wronged woman seeking revenge, an old lady with a secret past, a terrible cameo from Quentin Tarantino and a slew oddball characters on the side-lines and you have yourself…a movie? Not really. For it’s international release, the film was cut from it’s extremely painful 138 minute running time down to a more easily digestible 95 minute one (Both will be available on the North American DVD release) the final Django product is breathy ride that is fun while it lasts, is filled with vivid visual flourishes (and swooping sound effects) ands is ultimately a hollow beast. The action arrives in short burst, is competently done, and unspectacular. The idea of having everyone in the film speak their dialogue in English phonetically makes for some hilarious line readings but gets old pretty quick. Don’t see it without Subtitles. I was disappointed that the concept of a Japanese/American Western was never fully utilized. Sure, some of the set design and costumes reflected the fact that the film took place in a weird pseudo-reality, yet, they never pulled out all the stops and created a complete culture clash.

(He’s only bitching because the Sword/Gun fights that we’re promised never really materialized)

Even with all of the negativity, I highly recommend the film for what it is. Nothing more.

Nine Souls (JAPAN. 2003)

2008-10-01T18:36:00.000-07:00

Nine men escape from a Japanese prison and decide to stick together to hunt down the fabled treasure they heard about from a crazy cellmate. Can an elderly man that ran his son over with a car, a porn king midget, a socially retarded teenager that killed his father and a motorcycle gang delinquent get along? I haven’t even mentioned the other five troublemakers.

The first thought as the film jumped to life was: “I am never going to be able to figure out who is how! I’m DOOMED!” Thankfully, Director Toshiaki Toyoda (Blue Springs) never hits a false note. Things begin with a bang of furious motion, but then everything slowly eases into a precise structure that offers every character a chance to have their own story told. The direction is showy enough to be considered energetic, yet I never felt that the style was casting a dark shadow over the character interaction and development.

The acting is solid from everyone on board (Even the midget gets his chance to shine) and that helps the viewer swallow a mid-way tonal shift that is shocking in its ball-out twist. I was easily lulled by the first half’s slightly goofy treasure with all of its slapstick trimmings. Then a climactic event comes out of nowhere and changes everything. The second half is when redemption (or lack therefore) catches up and the protagonists are forced to confront the pasts they left behind. The decisions you make are going to stick around no matter how hard you try to ignore them. With that in mind, all of the narratives threads are brought too their logical (if sometimes dramatically numbing) conclusions. Nothing is left to chance and we get get to witness the end of everyone’s journey. Even the ambiguous final minute is only ambiguous if you’re a dye in the wool optimist. It’s a sobering journey that leaves a slight depressing taste in your mouth, which is masked by the prevailing sense of hope that makes the film as memorable as it is.

Sickee

2008-09-27T18:58:00.001-07:00

Due to a terrible certain throat ache that's grabbed hold of my vocal chords, I won't be participatinging on the site for a couple of days as I get some rest. I'll be be back Monday-ish (hopefully) with tons of super awesome reviews!

2001: A Space Odysee (USA. 1968)

2008-09-25T22:13:00.000-07:00

WATCH THE TRAILER HERE

People sometimes ask me (in a 'parent scolding a naughty child' tone of voice):

“Why don’t you review films I’ve HEARD about? I don’t want to read a review for something that I’ll NEVER see.”

I do critique films that get released in cinemas every now and then, but most of the time my write-ups are a helter skelter mix of foreign oddities and bargain bin stinkers. I rarely (sometimes on a blue moon) review something that everyone's heard of. There's a very specific reason why I do that...

I have absolutely nothing to say that hasn’t been ten million before.

I saw 2001: A Space Odyssey for the first time today. I could tell you that the pace is glacial, the visuals breathtaking and the last act confounding on a narrative level, yet, enveloping on a purely artistic one. Even though I had never seen the film before, it’s so engrained in our pop-culture that I knew exactly what was coming before it popped on screen. I liked it.

This person also has an opinion

Another Opinion

Look Ma! It never stops! This one is made them fancy picture things!

They're all ten times more precise and thought provoking anything I could ever sling together. It's out out there. I don't need to add my poorly phrased praise onto the pile.

***
I want this site to be a gate-way to whole new cinematic world. I want to try my best to avoid treading over the same old ground that’s already been stomped to bits. If a mildly retarded 20 year old who’s name rhymes with “Ustin” can find a copy, a smart and good looking person like yourself should have no problem getting your hands on a copy! Start searching. Take chances. Be a Film Junkie!

Coming up next: My Review of Star Wars IV: A New Hope!

The Foot Fist Way (USA. 2007)

2008-09-24T21:57:00.000-07:00

WATCH THE TRAILER HERE

Dany R. Mcbride is going to be a star. There’s no two ways around on it. He stole Pineapple Express with his role as the invincible and conflicted BFF drug dealer Saul. The man has a goofy lovable air around him that the audience attaches to no matter no matter how much of a jackass he may play. So, with that thought in mind, get ready, because ‘The Foot Fist Way’ is a frilly parade of cringe filled situations populated by people in Jack-Ass suspenders. Way back in 2006 this tiny little film was released and at its heart it's nothing more then a plot-less tangle of sketches that center around the riffing of Mcbride. He plays an ego-centric dim bulb taekwondo instructor who's trashy wife is cheating on him, he's fabricated a fantasy love scenario with one of his students and his entire life revolves around his Sunday Parking Lot Martial Art Demo Shows. He’s a loser. That’s why you should laugh. Don’t worry, the guy isn’t vehemently mean. He’s just really stupid. Sometimes that works (See Dumb and Dumber) but the creators of ‘The Foot Fist Way’ Director Jody Hill (who also plays the fifth degree best friend) and writer Ben Best (bringing all his long haired glory as action superstar Chuck The Truck) decide to play it for awkward laughs instead of going for the straight up TA-DA punch line. They ditch the big broad gags and settle instead for a constant chuckle filled atmosphere. It works in chunks, but as a whole it just left me bored. The most surprising part is that for an actor who seems to strive off improvisation (Supposedly all his best bits in Pineapple were of his own doing) I’m surprised, because for a film that seems to live off Improvisation (as some scenes never seem to end) Mcbride never really brings any of his A-game. He’s still an active magnetic screen presence, but I could only muster a small polite grin as he trundled on through the mediocre material. Everything does reach an interesting climax, but the situation never regally delivered on. Did they run out of money? I’m curious to see what Jody Hill will bring to his next outing, a big budget comedy starring Seth Rogen called “Observe and Report”

Ghost Town (USA. 2008)

2008-09-23T14:25:00.000-07:00

WATCH THE TRAILER HERE

Sometimes subject matters don’t interest me from the get-go.

Not even oh-so-creative taglines like “A mean man (Ricky Gervais) begins to see ghosts and is haunted by one (Greg Kinnear) that wants him to break up his ex-wife’s (Téa Leoni) marriage plans.”!?

Hmmm. Nope. I think that was the plot for an episode of the Ghost Whisperer.

Did I tell you that the man is really annoying and he’ll have a character changing Epiphany at the end of---Hey! I didn't say you could leave!

*A brief scuffle ensues. A scream sounds and is cut off in a gurgle. Someone unrolls a roll of duct tape.*

What about the Director/Screenwriter? He can fill you with hope right?

We’re talking about David Koepp here, he’s the “airequote” writer “airquotes” who politely raped the last Indiana Jones, has delivered workman like screenplays for tons of Hollywood Blockbusters (“War of the Worlds”) and directed a few half-decent films (“Stir of Echoes”) in his career. Not enough to make me fork over the dough for a seat.

What about the actors?

The film is the first starring feature role for British comedic powerhouse Ricky Gervais. The man may seem like a bit of a dick when he talks to the press (Especially when he irks the might of such Directors as Edgar Wright as seen HERE) but his shtick as the extremely awkward goofball on UK series ‘The Office’ and ‘Extras’ has made him a household name. Would he bring the funny? Bah. I don’t really care. I’ll catch it on cable when it comes out.

Right. Okay. What else is playing?

SPOILER: Nothing else was playing.

The premise doesn’t really go anywhere new and the story is hackneyed to the limit of tear-jerking bluntness (See…There’s this white light that appears when the ghosts go to hell…or is it heaven? Isn’t that sad? ), yet, I still enjoyed it as it rolled along. It never felt forced. Sure, we know that our hero is going to get the girl, but it’s the actual process that matters. Ricky Gervais succeeds at translating his stuttering self to the big screen without having to rely on slimy pity to keep the comedy going. His lines are funny, his character is funny and he actually gets a chance to emote a few times without seeming like he walked in on the wrong film. I can’t picture him doing anything else then a slightly awkward British gent, but guess that’s why the call them “character actors”. The rapid fire banter between the curmudgeon Gervais and the recently deceased womanizer Greg Kinnear (Solid as usual) is the highlight of the entire picture. We’ve seen the whole “Invisible Person only I can See” played off a million times before, but it’s rarely this solid.

It isn’t bad way to spend an evening, but I wouldn’t recommend seeing this in cinemas, unless you know, nothing else is playing.

Whasango (SOUTH KOREA. 2001)

2008-09-22T19:30:00.000-07:00

Life is busy so more lame reviews from the past! Sorry about this, but I should get back into the groove of things once all of those social foibles iron themselves out and things start to hop along at a regular jolt. Until then, enjoy my 2002 self!

***

When you watch the starting of a movie, you can usually tell how it’s going to turn out from the first 15 minutes. (That’s a really biased statement, but it’s the truth!) Whasango drops the viewer into the action without a pat on the back or even a “Hey Guy’s get ready for this”.

A teacher is writing with his back turned to his students. Clenching his teeth he spins around screaming “No sleeping in class!” while throwing his chalk like a lighting bolt across the room. And when I say ‘Like a lighting bolt.’ I mean it in a in the literal sense. The piece of chalk leaves a spinning bullet like trail as wavers wildly toward its intended target. Inches away from making contact it stops…Our hero (Jang Hyuk) looks up from his desk. The piece of chalk is frozen inches from his face. Jang gives it a really nasty glare which spins the chalk around and throws it directly into the teacher.

Freeze on Jang’s face.

Like a Polaroid shot the image turns black and white and a red stamp comes down reading “EXPELLED!”

That’s the plot. A kid who’s been at the unlucky end of the stick since he was young gets his final chance at passing high-school. He’s not a bad guy or anything; it’s just the godly power he foolishly possesses keep getting in the way of him leading a normal life. Plus his new school “Volcano High” (International Name of the film) is a haven for energy ball throwing, power hungry maniacs. To try to wrap up some kind of ending for the film we also have a “Secret Scroll” that everyone is after except Jang.

The directors wisely chose to use less widely known stars here. He obviously had the backing to have the great of the great, but he decided to go with littler known actors. There facial expression will remind you of a live-action cartoon. Which in the context of the movies is a good thing…and funny as hell!

Since “The Matrix”, every action film with its characters doing wild things is compared to it.* Whasango with its extremely fun premise and its gravity deifying action scenes has suffered because of the M franchise. Other than the use of slow motion, how can you make a comparison?

Any action during Whasango (until the end) resolves itself within 1 to 2 minutes. When the final twenty minute showdown arrives…We witness one of the most mind-blowing spectacle of people wearing black cloaks dodging energy balls in the rain!

Oh wait. Don’t think I’ve seen that before.

On a final note:

This film isn’t for everyone. It’s ‘style over substance’ or as my brother put it after the whole movie in one sitting:

'My eyes HURT!’

DVD: (Cinema Service)

This package is the DELUXE two disc UNCUT (MUST STOP WRITING IN CAPITALS!) edition of the film. The colours are a bit faded but it was intended (CGI enhanced as I recall). The second disc packs a wallop with it’s seemingly (In other words. I have no freaking idea) two hour long documentary. No subtitles are offered for these features but they mostly contain the set up for wire work, or bloopers and cuts. There aren’t any sequences with cast members sitting in front of a camera talking. That’s the job of the other documentary on the disc. Plus we get Story-board to film comparison, Music Videos, Audio Commentary, and CGI making of….

Another disc that's available is the Hong Kong "International" cut of the film...It supposedly comes with everything else that it's cousin contained, including the deleted scenes on the second disc.

* The French “Brotherhood of the wolf” poster’s tagline was “16th century matrix"

(TV) Pushing Daisies: SEASON 1 (2008)

2008-09-21T18:01:00.000-07:00

WATCH THE TRAILER HERE

On the surface, Pushing Daises looks like any other ‘high-concept’ show that lasts a handful of episodes before disappearing into the bottomless hole of cancellation. Conceptually it would fit comfortably in the company of such masterworks as “Handicapable: The Armless Detective who only solves Paraplegic Mysteries” or “DogWow: The dogs are the new masters!” The basic one line bullet head of Pushing Daises: “A man named Ned (Lee Pace) can bring the dead back to life to solve their murders” That’s all right on its own, but it’s the little details that make it work: He brings the dead back to life by touch, if the pre-dead-now-alive stay alive longer than a minute, something else in the general area has to die (of equal value) and if the man touches the original dead thing (now alive) again it will die again, this time of permanently. Confusing? Only when I explain it. It’ll make more sense after the first corpse springs to life.

Ned runs a pie shop (Named ‘The Pie Hole’) and spends his free time with freelance detective Emerson Cod (Chi Mcbride) getting the dead to tell them how they died and then collecting reward money for catching the murderer/explaining it to the deceased’s relatives. During one of their routine ‘re-awakenings’ Ned brings back to life a murdered girl named Chuck (Anna Friel) and it turns out that Chuck was Ned’s childhood sweetheart. He’s so shocked that he lets a minute go by (and an innocent kicks the bucket as a result) so now he’s stuck with the love of his life, but now can never touch. Oh, and everyone still solves quirky murder mysteries.

Pushing Daisies goes the extra mile by an creating an entire universe to call its own. It looks like the real world, but you never get the sense that you’ve actually been there. It’s fashioned without shame on the the work of Jean Pierre Jeunet (Director of the romantic French comedy “Amelie”). The visual design in Pushing Daises oozes quirkiness. Everything is slightly more colorful, a little bit more exaggerated and touches more real then we’re all used to in everyday life. The fluffy mood is a startling contrast to the more gruesome aspects. (The dead don’t always die pretty) but it all works because everyone’s in on the joke. The characters may be dealing with life shattering revelations about existence itself, but they aren’t too worried about it at all. Blame it on the completely naturalistic report between all the leads. Lee Pace is puppy dog innocent as the man with the powers and his struggles to live with them. Chi Mcbride plays his narcissistic detective sidekick. The girl-that-can-never-be-touched-by-our-hero, Chuck (Anna Friel) is a peppy ray of light that’s naïve without ever being annoyingly innocent. For a show that relies so heavily on eye-catching visuals, the fact that all characters are just as engaging should be a lesson for every suck-tacular high gloss FOX show.

There’s no show on the air like Pushing Daises. It adopts a ballsy cinematic direction that fits together its mood, its characters and even the stories (as lightweight as they may be) in a direction that would have most common audiences call it “Hmmm…That’s weird”. Rest assured, that even though the first season only has a nine episodes, that was due to the writer’s strike and not the dreaded cancellation chop. It’s actually been picked up for a second season (13 episodes as of this writing) so the world can only open up that much more. More people with odd powers?

(TV) It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Season 3

2008-09-20T12:14:00.000-07:00

TRAILERS FOR SEASON FOUR

Frank: "Why did you drag us to a place like this? It smells like the bottom of a birdcage.

Mac: "Lots of shady shit goes down at nursing homes, Frank...okay? These places are like prisons."

Frank: "Like people getting ass raped?"

***

“Seinfeld on Crack” is such an easy way to describe this new FX comedy show. I’ll leave it at that. See it

No. You can’t have your money back. Fine. I’ll give you a little bit of extra detail. I’ll expect extra though.

The setting is a dead-end alley called “Paddy’s Pub”. The “heroes” (Riiiight) are the three owners (Charlie Day), Mac (Rob McElhenney), Dennis (Glenn Howerton) and his waitress sister Dee (Kaitlin Olson). Somewhere along the line Dennis and Dees father (but not really?) Frank (Danny Devito) gets involved as the mastermind. They have adventures. They have some laughs. They are incredibly horrible people.

Remember how Seinfeld had relatively likable people doing horrible things? Well, on this show they aren’t’ likable at all. They’re loud, obnoxious, self centered and stupid. There’s absolutely no limit of their horrid actions these people will go through. The gang tries to pick up chicks at an abortion rally. They try to get black friends to be less racist. They even get addicted to crack.
And that’s just the first two season.

The writers in the third season (who also happen to be the three male stars) feel that there’s no rock bottom. You can always go lower. It’s a good and bad thing. The first two seasons were more or less grounded, but in the third one the plots go completely ape-shit. Dee isn’t sure if her boyfriend is mentally retarded. Dennis becomes a man-whore. Mac becomes a serial killer. Charlie gets addicted to multiple illegal substances.

If none of that raises the mere chuckle, then let me make this clear, Sunny isn’t for you. If you can laugh at the mere plot summary, I’m pleased to tell you that the performers bring it their all to the ARM-WAVING-SCREAMING-BEADY-EYED-MADNESS. Sunny is one of the most laugh out funny shows on Television right now (And FX ordered another 39 episodes) but enjoying it also makes you a bad person.

Paul Verhoeven Sci-Fi double-shot. Starship Troopers (USA 1997) and Total Recall (USA 1990)

2008-09-20T10:59:00.000-07:00

Two of Paul Verhoeven's more successful ventures are on the review board today, both of them stand-bys in the not-so-crowded "lame but really entertaining sci-fi movies" catalog.

First up is 1997's Starship Troopers. What is there to say? If you're a respectable geek chances are you've probably seen already. It is at once a big budget action film, teen soap-opera and fascist satire. From it's opening jingoistic "newsreel" segment, it signals to you that not only is it not taking itself seriously, but it expects you to play along.

The film, (very) loosely based on the sci-fi novel of the same name by Robert Heinlein, follows the lives of several idealistic youth as they fight an insectoid race from the other side of the galaxy. The first 20 minutes of the film is almost unbearable to watch, but it's not the craft of the film that offends. Visually and aurally the film is a delight, despite "old" CG effects. It's the twinge-worthy soap-operatics barely supported by the thematic foundations laid down by an invalid Michael Ironside.

The world is controlled by a world-wide federation. There is no more conflict, no more war. By all appearances, the future of Starship Troopers is an idyllic one, where racism and poverty have been eliminated. However, the totalitarian undertones soon seep through the plastic surface. I can understand how a young teenager could fall into the escapist fantasy of "fighting for the federation" and all the bug-blasting and shower-scening it would entail, but it would take a really thick-skulled young 'un to still feel that way after the "Federation" displays its ignorance and disdain for human life, 90% of the cast is killed in a myriad of brutal and gory ways and the survivors become willing slaves to the system.

The film picks up after the introduction of the world and the characters with the first major action sequence, and what follows is part machismo balls-kicking action and part solemn nationalism (federationism?). The end of the film (bookended with a scene similar to that of the very start) is like a test. Have you actually paid attention to what is actually happening, or where you there for the explosions and boobies? It has to be said that Verhoeven succeeds on both levels. He perplexed critics in 1997 by making a goofy, but ultimately entertaining action film that incorporated tongue-in-cheek critiques of radical political systems. A far more entertaining and disturbing film would be the one chronicling the rise of the global federation, and the slaughters and betrayals it took to make it.

Do you want to know more?

Second on my list today is an earlier Verhoeven effort: 1990's "Total Recall". Starring Arnold Schwarzenneger, Michael Ironside and Sharon Stone, it's a glorious ode to pulp sci-fi and extreme gore (epitomized by the juiciest of all squibs, the "Verhoeven Squib"). The plot is straightforward enough, but packs enough psychological twists to refresh it over a 113 minute running time. It concerns the adventures of the troubled Douglas Quaid as his life is twist-turned upside down after he attempts to get memory implants of a trip to Mars, as a Secret Agent! Of course, this attempt errupts into grunting and screaming, a bloody outburst and one, long, hour and a half chase sequence.

The movie never really lets up on the violence for more than 4 or 5 minutes at a time, and by the end the body count has become impressive indeed. The whole film is concerned with the question: "Is Quaid a secret agent, or is this all an implanted memory?". The question is never clearly explained, and the ending is ambiguous. It would take a half-dozen viewings or a gander at the wikipedia page to know the final conclusion.

However, the heart of the movie is not in conclusions and resolutions; it's in blood, guts and adventure delivered in spades! So if you're looking for your dose of "Eaughaughaur!" Arnoldizms or just blood and guts, this movie should satisfy your needs.

Eaugharrrh! (epic spoilers)

1941 (USA. 1979)

2008-09-18T21:31:00.000-07:00

WATCH THE TRAILER HERE

Why hasn’t Steven Spielberg directed a flat out comedy yet? He’s done everything else under the sun, pulled it off with a fair amount of creative flair and then proceeded to collect the giant piles of money that have followed. If someone can direct one of the highest grossing films ever made, comedy should be a piece of cake! His work has always had a persistent undercurrent of humor, but there’s always a dramatic undercurrent to back it up. I wonder what he’d do if his only mission was to make the audience laugh.

Oh. Wait. He did make a comedy. It was called 1941. People just don't like it very much.

The story follows roughly fifty people (Treat Williams as a sleazy solider and John Belushi as a crazy drugged up fighter pilot being the highlights) caught up in the paranoid frenzy of a fantasy Japanese attack. There’s racial tension, fights, the appearance of an actual Japanese subs and lots of people falling over.

1941 is the unwanted child of people that WANT to make you laugh, but aren’t quite sure how to go about it. They skipped doing their homework and picked up the cliff-notes version instead. What happens when characters, story and structure are thrown out the window and the funny bone is attacked straight away? It gets extremely expensive, exhaustively manic and ear split tingly loud.

I loved every second of it.

1941 could (Some say should) be circled and underlined in film text-books as a complete disaster. The young Spielberg (Fresh off of the massive person success of Close Encounters of the Third Kind) is obviously in way over his head. He squanders his all-star comedy cast, is erratic in the pacing department and answers every single problem by going big. If that dosen't fix it the only recourse is to go even bigger! Yet, that’s exactly the reason I love it. Spielberg’s repertoire of gags may be small, but he sure knows one down pat: If all else fails, break stuff. If that fails, DESTROY FREAKING EVERYTHING! We get a Ferris wheeling crashing into the ocean, a city block gets destroyed by a thousand brawling extras, planes dog fighting downtown and then crashing into streets and an entire life-size house falls off a cliff. Why? Because it’s funny to make things go boom! Most gags fall flat, but there’s no denying the creativity and the technical polish on display (A musical dance fight is the highlight of the entire film) There’s no middle ground here. The assaulted audience has two choices: Give in to the incredibly self indulgent madness ore actively loathes it for because of its many immature faults. I could physically feel the money hemorrhaging on screen as every second ticked by. The film is absurdly long at two hours and a half (Supposedly the set was complete chaos with things being added left and right depending on people’s moods) and I’d heartily recommend you watch it in chunks. Otherwise, you risk the chance of going completely numb.

Burn After Reading (USA. 2008)

2008-09-17T21:58:00.000-07:00

Burn after Reading is a tiny little movie in really baggy expensive duds. The story of a two idiots trying to black-mail an idiotic ex -CIA man is a small convoluted tale filled to the brim with unlikable idiotic characters played by big names (John Malkovich, Frances McDormand, George Clooney) doing idiotic things till the entire thing ends. Kind of. It’s complicated. But not really. Sheesh.

The Coen Brother’s sit up fresh off their massive Oscar sweep that was “No Country, Old Men” and decide to take a step back and two to the left. “After Reading” is not a drama nor is it a laugh fest. It’s just kind of giggle worthy. Rest assured, it’s nowhere near the terrible un-funniness that stunk around their recent work (“Intolerable Cruelty” “The Lady-Killers”) but neither is it anywhere near their technical slapstick epics (“Raising Arizona” and “The Hudsucker Proxy). I’m not sure the latter Coen’s exist anymore, so I’m just going to have to take a deep breath and accept it. I’ll have to be happy wBurn after Reading’s lack of a compelling plot (No one is in any danger other then the stuff they cause to themselves) is all part of the joke, so are the lack of compelling characters and the very scattershot amount of laughs during the whole thing. Brad Pitt is the undeniable ray of hilarious retarded light in all of the so-so comedy. Every line, every move and every moment he participates in is pure quotable gold. “Remember that moment when Brad Pitt…” will be the words on everyone’s lip as they leave the cinema. Which makes it a shame that he’s not in it that much. Oh! Spoiler! There are a few fantastic stand-out moments (An ending starring grump extraordinaire J.K Simmons could not be any more note perfect.) but there just aren’t enough of them to make it all work. Which is the point. I think. Ow. My brain.

I actually feel that Burn After Reading works better as a quick summary. That way, all the fat can be skipped, and the big moments can be spoiled nice and quick. But then, it isn’t as funny if is it? I’d like to tell myself that this is the kind of movie that’ll grow on me, but that would mean that I’d actually have to watch it again. Not sure if that’s going to happen any time soon. It’s burned and everything.

JUNK (JAPAN. 2000)

2008-09-15T20:55:00.000-07:00

WATCH THE TRAILER HERE

I am absolutely spent from ten straight nights of Midnight Madness, so here's a review I wrote half a decade ago. I'm sorry it hurts so much:

***

Does anyone still remember the hey-day’s of flesh eating deadites?

When Italian movie crews were bum rushing the local butcher stores for expired meat? When a lady in a fake-looking uniform was handing out cheap paper bags before the midnight showing of “Zombie”? Even the dull chill that ran down your spine as your biked as quick as your legs would take you in front of that old abandoned cemetery?

Critics don’t.

And looking at the current outcropping of Zombie related films, no one does either. But somewhere across a long stretch of land, someone seems to have lived another life. A director planned a film that would undoubtedly sink to the uttermost reaches of Japan’s V-cinema. Yet when there’s a will there’s a way. It found its way to the shores of North America in Unearthed Films release of “Junk”. A film filled with all the gut-munching, head explosions, gun-fights and naked chicks that Resident Evil wished it had.

“Borrowing Chaos” (A.K.A “Lets rip off this film”) is a talent that “Atsushi Murowa” admits to using in spades. While “Junk” won’t come off winning any Oscars, in the hearts of fans it performs admirably. Four robbers pull off a heist and decide to meet there contact at an old abandoned military base. Before you can say “My god, his throat was ripped out” zombies are crawling everywhere and the military decides to get involved. One of these military men is an ex-scientist whose ‘late’ wife is now the super-duper kung-fu leader of the dead fiends. And he’s dead-set (Oh god, how do these puns slip in.) on destroying his failed experiment once and for all. Did I mention that he speaks English as if a dead animal was clawing its way out of his mouth? Other than a slow beginning, I believe that the pacing is fine. The director plays with the two subjects that have the films target audience whooping in delight: Extreme violence or over the top gunplay. Many people may get tired with either one, but you’ll definitely never be disappointed. If you even dear tread onto a movie entitled “Junk” in the first place. You know that this is not wholesome family entertainment. Many people (Disney Perhaps) wouldn’t even call this entertaining…But we’ve watched “Return of the living dead” enough times to know the difference.

The “wacky” character, the over-abused female bent on male dominance, a pistol in each hand, that same damn zombie…It’s all here. Even the budget seemed to have gone in one direction: The squibs. Which are not only huge and abundant, but also feel the need to spray red chunks of meat in every direction when they go off! How else can you explain human anatomy without seeing sprayed over a cheap panel of plastic gadgets?

Many people will complain of the un-originality and violence which seems to dominate this all too short 83 minute picture. To see if your one of those people ask yourself this question:
Would you rather see:

a) A zombie rising from his earthly grave to reveal a torn and scarred, eyeless face with worms oozing everywhere.

b) A woman vaulting off a wall and kicking a computer generated dog in the face.
Case closed.

SexyKiller (SPAIN. 2008)

2008-09-14T10:33:00.000-07:00

WATCH THE TRAILER HERE

Sexykiller desperately want to be a cult film . It’s energetic, fast-paced and has a charismatic turn by the SexyKiller herself, Macarena Gómez. There's even tons of murder and a few zombies to sweeten the pot! What’s there not to like? It's the fact that while director Miguel Martí is a cult film-geek from top the bottom, that doesn’t necessarily translate to the screen.

Barbara (Macarena Gomez) is a med-student that likes to kill people. She doesn’t have a deep-set moral reason and doesn’t think one is needed: If someone pisses her off, crosses her path or wears terrible fashion, they’ve bought their ‘knife to the throat’ ticket. When another med-student named Tobias trips into her life and she falls under the assumption that he’s a fellow serial killer, things start to get a little complicated. Especially when her past victims start roaming about.

Sexykiller successfully puts all of the pieces are in place. They’re simply broken and missing bits of themselves. Most of the jokes fall flat, the fun gore is almost non-existent and only Macarena’s performance is enjoyably consistent. The film starts with a bang of style (Musical numbers, poppy colors, flash cuts and multiple jumps in time) but it tires itself out by about 1/3rd of the way in and falls into a sluggish plot for the rest of the running time. I know that the filmmakers were probably playing with a low budget and a short schedule, but it doesn’t excuse the fact for aiming high when they just can’t deliver:

Here’s a few ‘That would make a terrible climax!” pointers:

1. Relying solely on someone shooting zombies in the shoulder (in slow motion) does not constitute as a romping good horror time.

2. If you introduce a chainsaw and have it on screen for ten minutes. USE IT!

3. Don’t use CGI for the final climactic head-explosion, unless you want the entire audience to go silent because they aren’t quite sure if that was it.

It’s all good that characters say things like “I saw THE EVIL DEAD and that trick won’t work on me!” but doesn’t cut the mustard as its own entertaining entity. Would you rather have someone poorly retell a classic horror film or go and watch it yourself? E for effort!

Eden Log (FRANCE. 2007)

2008-09-13T15:39:00.000-07:00

WATCH THE TRAILER HERE

A man (Clovis Cornillac) wakes up in a puddle of muck with no memory of his past or location. He sets off to find the exit and discovers that he seems to be trapped in a cavernous maze called ‘Eden Log’. Along the way he meets some friends, enemies and wanders around till he finds the exit. Excited yet?

‘Eden Log’ looks great. It has some inspired gritty costume design, organic looking sets and a blue tinted cinematography to give it that classic sci-fi feeling. All of that kept me going for roughly five minutes. Then I got bored. Imagine sitting in a friend’s basement and watching them play through the most uninteresting parts of a bargain bin third person video-game. The main character finds keys, opens doors, solves simplistic puzzles and meets characters that help him solve simple puzzles, find keys, and open doors. I hope there’s plenty of save points! It would be forgivable if the quest was actually interesting, but it’s not, it’s more of a relaxed walk. The main character does get chased by monsters (who do look pretty cool) but nothing ever comes out of it. They growl at him, he tussles once or twice, and then they give a little chase. Their origin could have served as a cool jumping off point for excitement, but instead they casually forget it. And don’t even get me started on the final fifteen minute ‘reveal’ of something that could have been summed up in two. Were they really that desperate to fill up time?

A film that bathes itself in mystery lives or dies off of its final reveal and…Sorry, nothing of interest here folks. The final twist isn’t much of one and the epilogue makes little to no sense for characters motivational perspective. Eden Log is an okay film stretched out to a feature film length. Bravo or nailing the look! Next time, try to give me something other than a good looking sleeping pill.

Martyrs (FRANCE. 2008)

2008-09-12T10:38:00.001-07:00

WATCH THE EXTREMELY SPOILERIFIC TRAILER HERE

A serious horror film with a little more on its mind then sick thrills, Martyrs is one stomach churning ride that wants to comment on horror itself by sucker punching you in the stomach with it. It doesn’t always work, but as the director himself said

“I don’t think you’ll enjoy this, but I do hope you’ll be moved by it.”

Fifteen years after being captured and tortured for an undefined amount of time, Louise (Mylène Jampanoï) believes she has found the people responsible for causing her all the pain. She tracks them down and makes them pay. Her best friend Anna (Morjana Alaoui) is horrified by her friend’s acts, but she’s still going to help her get out of it, no matter what it takes.

I’ll re-iterate this again, Martyrs is a brutal film. The violence starts with a bang and doesn’t let up till its final blood covered frame. None of it is over the top funny or presented to make the audience titter at the grossness of it all. It exists solely to disturb. It’s a ballsy goal, but one that has side-effects that cause near fatal blows to its cinematic framework: Due to all the violence on display, the two leads are turned into nothing more than ciphers to move the themes along. I only felt connected to them because they were stuck in a horrible situation. They looked like humans, kinda acted like humans and people being tortured is bad, so they get my sympathy. And in that sense, the first hour of the film works. Director Pascal Laugier jumps right in the middle of the story, asks you to hold on, and dives right into the muck. It’s a cinematic horror story cranked up to fifteen. Martyrs only stumbles when it reaches the point where it is essentially over. Instead of ending, the film introduces a completely different element that doesn’t feel natural to the world that we've been trapped in since the beginning. The story of a young girl broken by abuse and her disastrous attempts to deal with it are completely forgotten and are replaced instead by…well…You can see it for yourself. It’s a noble goal, but one that just didn’t work for me. The serious tone of the first half is ditched to be replaced with cartoony villains and metaphysical mumbo-jumbo. From a thematic level, on paper and even in later discussion I had with friends, it seemingly works. It’s the presentation that leaves me at a loss. ***SPOILER*** The last half of Martyrs is literally thirty minutes of torture. There’s no respite, no breather and no attempt at anything else, it’s just straight up torture. ***END SPOILER*** The point they’re trying to reach takes way too long to reach and any sympathy I had for the characters evaporated into numbness. The final Hellraiser-like apocalyptic minutes are more goofy in their sense of importance than anything else. I just wanted the movie to end, so I could mercilessly leave.

You’ll remember Martyrs. That’s a promise. If that’s enough to make you want to see the film, go for it. On a technical level, the acting, directorial choices and cinematography are top notch. This is an intelligent piece of work that only crashes when it tries to give you something more deep and profound.

NOTE: Someone vomited at the screening I was at (Don’t people READ UP ON FILMS BE FORE THEY GO SEE THEM?) and for the first half people would burst into applause every time a disturbing bit of violence would pop up. Good old humanity and its inability to deal with pain.

The Burrowers (USA. 2008)

2008-09-11T17:02:00.000-07:00

WATCH THE TRAILER HERE

Inspired lightly by John Ford’s “The Searchers”, "The Burrowers" takes the same setting (The Old West) and craft it's own spin on the narrative: A group of men set off to find a woman that they believe has been captured by Indians. The wizened seen-it-all cowboy (William Mapother) leads the pack and is accompanied by a hard edged lawmen (Clancy Brown) and the kidnapped girl’s Irish lover (Karl Geary). None of them think she’s still alive, but they can’t let themselves give up hope. Boasting the same epic visuals, long in the tooth characters and a deliberate horse-drawn pace of its John Wayne starring inspiration, the difference here is that the perpetrators aren’t Indians at all. Once dark falls, the real monsters come out to play. It’s Horror Western time!

You don’t geta successful horror film by cutting someone’s head off with a merry-go-round and splattering blood across a happy family. That gives you a fun splatter film, but nothing else. To get a good horror yarn the audience needs to actually care for the guy about to get his head ripped off by a mutated grizzly bear. Check a sucess in "The Burrowers" favour: I never wanted any of the characters to die. All of the b-list actors spit out A-performances that allows you to easily buy into the setting. The unpardonable sin of a character seeming out of time and place is never broached. When the monster-mash does hit the fan after a slow paced beginning, I was completely caught in the filmmaker’s claws. No one in “The Burrowers” gets an easy pass, or a second chance. or really ANY chance for that matter. It got to the point that I felt that the director outright hated everyone that walked across screen ***SPOILER*** He even extends the story an extra five minutes just to make sure EVERYONE ends up broken and miserable**** END SPOILER The earlier quiet pace, punctured by quick flashes of violence, is pulled off with so much skill that I’d go as far to say that the over the top gory climax almost feels like it was ripped from another film. It’s not a complaint, because it’s done so well, but it’s still an odd disconnect. The creatures themselves look suitably creepy and never come off as derivative. Their method of killing will make even the most hard-edged gore junkies raise an eyebrow.

Along the length of the film we’re subjected to a few big ideas (Held off from “The Searchers) like “Racism is bad” and “The Real Monster is Man”, but they never smother the film enough to elicit groans. It’s evident, to be sure, but not the entire point. It’s a side-note to the bigger story of a bunch of guys trying to avoid being ripped apart by a bald albino weasel things. All the elements come together so smoothly that the end product can be nothing less then a solid little genre effort.

Acolytes (AUSTRALIA. 2008)

2008-09-09T17:51:00.000-07:00

WATCH THE TRAILER HERE

Australian Cult shocker Acolytes takes the slight premise of “A bunch of kids try to black-mail a serial killer into doing the dirty deed for them.” and piles on heaps of visual and sonic flourishes till the audience is left gasping for breath. It just forgets to find a satisfying way to wrap up it all.

I don’t know where Director Jon Hewitt has been hiding, but this guy has film making chops to spare. His control of the frame is eye catching without ever becoming over the top and his use of sound marries itself perfectly with the image. But you can have too much of a good thing. Please, for the last time, can we forget having movies that rely on an absurd number of jump sacres? You can’t expect to get the audience every time. It becomes a numbing experience after: An off-screen warthog runs by, a bird (?) is flies by, a ball lands on the hood of a car. Once or twice is fine, but ten? That’s just lazy. Blame it as a knee-jerk reaction to the slow going first half which proves once again (Like in Dead-Girl) that regular kids doing regular kids stuff is not interesting in of itself. We need to know more about them to actually care for them as people. Still, the performances were almost universally strong for such a low budget picture with the only downer being the incredibly unlikable blond kid posturing his way through scenes instead actually acting.

The two serial killers (Played by Michael Dorman and Joel Edgerton) are diametrically opposite personalities but are none the less chilling in their own devious ways.

I just wish there was a more of a story to get them involved in. We get hints (“Because I could” is a chilling moment) but that just ties in to the biggest problem I had with the entire experience: It doesn’t know how to end. You can throw all the cinematic trickery in the book at the audience, but without a satisfying conclusion, it ultimately feels rather empty. A twist (or two) does not constitute as an ending if it has absolutely no impact on the denouement. What’s the point other than a cheap AH-HA moment? Acolytes is only a quick scene change, a few lines of dialogue and one less twist away from being film I’d recommend whole heartedly, but instead, I have to give it a solid if reserved recommendation. It’s for the most part a smart, beautifully shot and boasts edge of your seat scenes, but it never adds up to a whole.

The Skycrawlers (JAPAN. 2008)

2008-09-08T18:35:00.000-07:00

WATCH THE TRAILER HERE

I'd like to thank loyal Film Junkies reader Christian309 for taking the time out of his busy TIFF schedule to write us up a cracking review! Cheers Chris!

***

I have never really been a fan of the anime scene, but I caught a screening of ‘The Sky Crawlers’ based on the premise alone. It’s the new film from animation veteran Mamoru Oshii, who is famous for his hugely successful ‘Ghost in the Shell’ series. I walked in with no expectations but walked out pleasantly surprised.

The plot revolves around a young fighter pilot known as “Kildren”, who is transferred to another base to fight along side the crew for their corporation. It seems that in the future, two large corporations that own most of the world are constantly at war and fight their battles in the air, but it’s never fully explained. The world of the Sky Crawlers is only touched upon and the majority remains in shadow.

If you expect that all of your questions will be answered by the end of ‘The Sky Crawlers” then you will be disappointed. Many questions are raised throughout the film, like "why are these two companies fighting, why do the characters keep mentioning they can’t grow up, and where exactly does the rival fighter “The Teacher” fit into all of this? The audience is only given semi-answers. I believe that the movie made a wise decision about this, because it’s not about the world, but the characters that live it.

The main problem I have with anime films is that I can never truly connect with the characters. ‘The Sky Crawlers’ excels as character film though. The Characters are incredibly strong and compelling enough so that you are never bored throughout the long conversation scene (which there are many). None of the drama in the film is over done or melodramatic, it is all very subtle. The main characters are so fleshed out, but then there are a few side characters that I felt that their story was rather incomplete or never went anywhere, like the prostitute or the adult mechanic. The characters shine brightly in this world that is shrouded in mystery.

The Animation in this film was just breath taking. Even though the characters are rather simplistic, the environment in ‘The Sky Crawlers’ is nothing short of gorgeous. My jaw dropped to the floor during the aerial combat scenes! I couldn't even will myself to blink as the planes dipped and swerved while bullet casings flew about and enemy plane were torn to pieces. It was not only intense, but beautiful as well. It’s the littler details that show that the animators went the extra mile: The way Cigarette smoke dances around the characters or how the rain hits the propellers of the planes. ‘The Sky Crawlers’ has some of the best animation I have ever seen.

This is a great anime film and just a great film in general. It’s not for everyone but if you give the film a chance you are bound to find something you enjoy, weather it’s the characters or the animation. Be warned though, this is not an action film. It’s a character driven drama with action sequences scattered throughout. This one is defiantly worth hunting down.

Not Quite Hollywood (AUSTRALIA. 2008)

2008-09-08T17:18:00.000-07:00

WATCH THE KICK-ASS TRAILER HERE

The good documentaries educate. The greatest documentaries make you want to learn more about the subject matter at hand or, in this case, the subject matter that crashes through a house at 114 miles per hour, roles around naked in paint and then gets eaten by a giant killer boar.

‘Not Quite Holywood’ is a Rock N' Rolling rocket ride through decades of Australian exploitation cinema that most of the world never knew existed. Everything under the blistering hot desert sun gets its turn to burn: Sex Flicks, Horror Opuses and Action Extravaganzas split the movie in three and each get their share of love. It would have worked fine as a clip show, but the filmmakers have also corralled nearly everyone who was ever involved in the Aussie film industry and they’re ready to break out some ripping yarns. Most of the players have been out of the industry for so long that there’s nothing keeping them from dishing out the dirt. The actor got his arm burned and then punched the director in the face? Jimmy Wang Yu was the biggest jerk they had ever met? They tried to raise money for the film at the racetracks while it was still in production? It’s all covered and then some. I only wish that the documentary could have been THREE hours long, because there’s such a wealth of interesting people in front of the camera, reams of fantastic looking films to be covered and such a high level of stylish documentary editing (There were three editors!) and directorial craftsmanship on display. It’s only logistics that deem that some films can only get an only a few words dropped on them instead of the half hour they deserve. If you have no interest in seeing any of these films by the time the end credits roll: Please, leave your FILM JUNKIE badge at the door on your way out. We don’t want your kind here.

Deadgirl (USA. 2008)

2008-09-07T16:52:00.000-07:00

Deadgirl is currently living in a black void. There’s no trailer, no reviews, and only two abstract posters floating around on the inter-web. The only thing I knew about it going in was that the story dealt with two male teenage best friends who find the naked body of a recently deceased young woman in an insane asylum. The film is billed as a creepy coming of age drama along the lines of "STAND BY ME". It was written by Troma alumni Trent Hagga (Star of Terror Firmer) and was directed by newcomers Marcel Sarmiento and Gadi Harell. None of that gave me any faith. Where's the interest? What are two horny young men and an unresisting naked woman going to do? Play Monopoly? Is this really going to go into the direction I *shudder* think it’s going to go?

It does. There’s nudity, brutal violence and a lot of of uncomfortable humping going on. It just doesn’t go far enough with the concept. It’s disturbing and disgusting (Someone behind me uttered “I think I’m going to puke”) but it never goes that extra mile to really carve its niche as a remarkable cult film. The gore is rushed, the scares are of the “JUMP CUT! BOO! ” variety and most important of all, I didn't care at all about the characters. The two best friends Rickie’s (Shiloh Fernandez) and JT’s (Noah Segan) acting goes from slightly compelling to absolutely unwatchable, but even then they were never anything more then dicks. I can understand that the creative team wanted to show us 'real kids' but that dosen't make it interesting. Maybe if I was emphatic toward their plightm the story would have worked, but even then, the climax still arives before the story ends. There’s nothing else to reveal or shock. It just hobbles along until it the fade to black. I personally think that the film would have worked a lot better as an episode of “Masters of Horror” instead of gasping it's way through a feature length film. On the positive side of things, The Dead Girl herself (Jenny Spain) does an amazing job in a role that takes guts (Literally and metaphorically) but even then she's still a naked one trick pony. The most successful element of the entire production is the pounds of brutal makeup she’s forced to wear.

I realized quickly why Dead-Girl didn’t have a trailer yet. There’s nothing to show. This is the kind of film you see once and never feel compelled to see again. It was entertaining the first time, you may recommend it to your friends based solely on “The crazy concept!” but you won't really feel the need to ever see it again.

CONTEST: Win a copy of THINGS!

2008-09-07T11:04:00.000-07:00

It's really that amazing!

You can view my terrified ramblings on this piece of epic cinema HERE

Film Junkie’s love free stuff. We don’t care if it’s a coffee table book on cottage cheese, a stale raspberry cupcake or a punch to the face. All that matters is that it’s free! And in that spirit, we’re giving out a COMPLETELY FANTASTICALLY AWESOMELY FREE DVD copy of the Canadian Exploitation Opus “Things” to one of our un-lucky readers. You owe it to yourself to watch this so-called 'FILM'. Life will seem so much sweeter after going through its unexplainable hells.

How can you get this round disc of pain in the mailbox? All you have to do is send us an e-mail at jdecloux@gmail.com with your address and “I WANT TO BE THING-ED!” in the subject line. On September 14^th we’ll randomly draw the winner and send them the DVD before it starts burning a hole in reality.

Detroit Metal City (JAPAN. 2008)

2008-09-07T00:37:00.000-07:00

WATCH THE TRAILER HERE

“You need to know how to cut the lawn with a scythe because it’ll be good practice for when you CUT THE THROATS OF YOUR ENEMIES!”

How can you screw up a movie about Metal music? It’s so freaking AWESOME! It’s so WICKED! It’s so EASY! It’s just about as easy as lighting your hair on fire and pulling off a wicked stage slide through broken glass as you tear through the first minute of Dragon Force’s “Through the Fires and the Flame” with your teeth.

The problems are always the same: The films come off as really forced, they make fun of their audience instead of making them endearing, and most importantly, they feature crappy metal parody music instead of the real deal. Metal is inherently funny in itself so it’s only logical that we make FUN of it! Right?

First off, don't fear, Detroit Metal City has real metal music. It's rocking, fast and is meant to fill your speaker's insides with tears of amazingness! Secondly, the premise sounds exactly like a wicked three chord jam: “A young pop music fan is secretly a death metaller by night, but he hates it, because all he wants to do is fit in with the trendy crowd.” It's also rocking that Director Toshi Lee is a veteran to the world of comedy and he knows exactly when to smack the hero in the eye with a cigarette for maximum laughs. Broad slapstick may be looked down by the majority film snobs, but no one can deny that a perfectly timed kick to the groin is always a ticket to a genuine laugh. Yet, even with a firm directorial hand the cast still needs to pull their own weight and in that regard, most of the musical mayhem falls on the shoulders of star Kenichi Matsuyama (Who stole the Show as L in the live action Death Note films). It never proves to be a problem at all for the Japanese Johnny Depp like pretty-boy. He swings from playing an awkward effeminate guitar player to a white faced virgin raping hell spawn with such ease, by the end I started to think that maybe he really is secretly the lead singer in a devil fueled power trio. Every caricatured over the top mannerism has almost scientifically been engineered to make even the most jaded audience member giggle. The world of Detroit Metal City is so goofily innocent and energetic that you can’t help yourself but cheer along, even when it gets corny and the ‘Follow your Dream!’ message gets shoved in your face for what seems like an eternity. Don't worry, that's the way the Devil wants it. He wants to butter you up for the explosive climax.

Play it LOUD! Play it FAST! Play it METAL!

Review Archives!

2008-09-06T09:11:00.000-07:00

REVIEW ARCHIVES

Baby Steps everyone! I can already smell the sweet taste of a real website in the air. The archives will be permanently linked on the top right corner of the screen for your browsing pleasure.

1941 (USA. 1979)

20 Million Miles to Earth (USA. 1957)

7th Voyage of Sinbat, The (USA. 1958)

Acolytes (AUSTRALIA, 2008)

Adventures of Baron Munchausen (USA. 1998)

Alien and Aliens (USA. 1979 and 1986)

Almost Famous (USA. 2000)

American Psycho (USA. 1999)

American Zombie (USA. 2007)

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes (USA. 1978)

Babylon A.D (USA. 2008)

Bad Biology (USA. 2008)

Bad Taste (NEW ZEALAND. 1987)

Black Six, The (USA. 1974)

Blood Heat (JAPAN. 2004)

Blood, Bullet and Octane (USA. 1998)

Boogeyman, The (USA. 1980)

Bug's Life, A (USA. 1998)

Bullet in the Head (HONG KONG. 1990)

Burn After Reading (USA. 2008)

Burrowers, The (USA. 2008)

Butcher, The (KOREA. 2007)

Cable Guy, The (USA. 1996)

Cemetery Man (ITALY. 1994)

Chaser, The (KOREA. 2008)

Chinese Ghost Story, A (HONG KONG. 1987)

Chocolate (THAILAND. 2008)

City of Violence (KOREA. 2006)

Clash of the Titans (USA. 1981)

Crows Zero (JAPAN. 2008)

Danish Pastries (?)

Dance of the Dead (USA. 2008)

Dark Knight, The (USA. 2008)

Dead End Drive-In (AUSTRALIA. 1986)

Deadgirl (USA. 2008)

Deadbeat at Dawn (USA. 1996)

Defenceless (AUSTRALIA. 2004)

Definetly Maybe (USA. 2008)

Demons (ITALY. 1985)

Detroit Metal City (JAPAN. 2008)

Dragon Gate INN (HONG KONG. 1992)

Dragon Squad (HONG KONG. 2007)

Eden Log (FRANCE. 2007)

Equilibrium (USA. 2002)

Farenheit 451 (USA. 1966)

Final Destination (USA. 2000)

Flashpoint (HONG KONG. 2007)

Foot Fist Way, The (USA. 2006)

Forbidden Kingdom, The (USA. 2008)

Fritz The Cat (USA. 1972)

Get Smart (USA. 2008)

Ghost Town (USA. 2008)

Golden Voyage of Sinbad, The (USA. 1974)

Hamlet 2 (USA. 2008)

Hancock (USA. 2008)

Hatchet (USA. 2006)

Heat After Dark (USA. 2008)

Hellboy (USA. 2004)

Hell's Grounds (PAKISTAN. 2007)

Hidden, The (USA. 1987)

House by the Cemetery (ITALY. 1981)

Incredible Hulk, The (USA. 2008)

Incredible, The (USA. 2004)

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (USA. 2008) - PHILIP

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (USA. 2008) - JUSTIN

In Hell (USA. 2003)

Inside (FRANCE. 2007)

Invisible Targets (HONG KONG. 2007)

Iron Giant, The (USA. 1999)

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: SEASON 3 (TV) (USA. 2008)

Jabberwocky (UK. 1977)

Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer (CANADA. 2008)

Jam Film (JAPAN. 2002)

Jason and the Argonauts (USA. 1963)

JCVD (FRANCE 2008)

In Hell (USA. 2003)

Invisible Targets (HONG KONG. 2007)

Killer, The (HONG KONG. 1989)

Promotion, The (USA. 2008)

Fall, The (MISC. 2006)

Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang (USA. 2005)

KnightRiders (USA. 1981)

Kung Fu Panda (USA. 2008)

La Haine (FRANCE. 1995)

Legend (USA. 1985)

Lisa and the Devil (ITALY. 1973)

Machine Girl, The (JAPAN. 2008)

Maniac (USA. 1978)

Maniac Cop (USA. 1988)

Martin (USA. 1977)

Martyrs (FRANCE. 2008)

Maurauders (AUSTRALIA. 1996)

Midnight Meat Train (USA. 2008)

Mission, The (HONG KONG. 1999)

Mutant Aliens (USA. 2001)

Mysterious Island (USA. 1961)

New Barbarians, The (ITALY 1982)

Nine Souls (JAPAN. 2003)

Not Quite Hollywood (AUSTRALIA. 2008)

One Million Years B.C (USA. 1996)

Perhaps Love (HONG KONG. 2005)

Pineapple Express (USA. 2008)

Postal (USA. 2007)

Punch Drunk Love (USA. 2002)

Pushing Daisies: SEASON ONE (TV) (USA. 2007)

Raising Arizona (USA. 1987)

Re-Animator (USA. 1985)

Rebels on a Backlot [BOOK REVIEW]

Recon 2020: The Caprini Massacre (CANADA. 2004)

Repo: The Genetic Opera (USA. 2008)

Return of the Living Dead (USA. 1985)

Rocker, The (USA. 2008)

Rules of Attraction (USA. 2002)

Saviour of the Soul (HONG KONG 1991)

Scud The Disposable Assasin [COMIC BOOK REVIEW] (USA. 2008)

Seed (USA. 2007)

Sensitive New Age Killer (AUSTRALIA. 2000)

SexyKiller (SPAIN. 2008)

Sky Crawlers, The (JAPAN. 2008)

Sleepless (ITALY. 2001)

Soul Searcher (UK. 2005)

Space Truckers (USA. 1998)

SPEED RACER: NARRATIVE V.S SPECTACLE (AN ESSAY BY ADAM)

SPEED RACER: P.H.D's COUNTER ARGUMENT (AN ESSAY BY PHIL)

SPEED RACER: REALISTIC ARTIFICIALITY (AN ESSAY BY JUSTIN)

Starship Troopers (USA. 1997)

Starhip Troopers 3: Maurauders (USA. 2008)

Step Brothers (USA. 2008)

Stunt Man, The (USA. 1980)

Sukiyaki Western Django (JAPAN. 2007)

That Thing You Do (USA. 1996)

Things (CANADA. 1989)

Three Kings (USA. 1996)

Tokyo Gore Police (JAPAN. 2008)

Total Recall (USA. 1990)

Toxic Avenger, The (USA. 1985)

Transsiberian (USA. 2007)

Triangle (HONG KONG. 2007)

Tropic Thunder (USA. 2008)

Truman Show, The (USA. 1998)

Tunnel Rats (USA. 2008)

UHF (USA. 1989)

Walk Hard (USA. 2007)

Wall-E (USA. 2008)

Wanted (USA. 2008)

WAR INC (USA. 2008)

Wes Craven's New Nightmare (USA. 1994)

Whasango (SOUTH KOREA. 2003)

Wicked Lake (USA. 2007)

Wrong Turn 2 (USA. 2008)

X-Cross (JAPAN. 2007)

Young People Fucking (CANADA. 2008)

JCVD (FRANCE. 2008)

2008-09-05T18:23:00.000-07:00

WATCH THE TRAILER HERE!

WATCH THE VERY FUNNY TEASER (THAT'S NOT IN THE FILM) HERE

Jean Claude Van Damme has made a real film.

It isn’t a joke, or a broad comedy, nor is it a goofy story about a clueless celebrity dealing with the real world. JVCD is a solid piece of, get this, serious film making. It’s entertaining, has an involving narrative and it treats its characters with respect. You'll actually begin to care. No, I never would have ever expected this either. Ever.

Jean Claude Van Damme stars as…himself…a c-list movie star who’s hit rock bottom. He’s lost his daughter in a custody case, he can only get jobs working on crappy Bulgaria set action films and he’s completely out of funds to pay his lawyer. There’s no way to spin-kick his way out of this one. In desperation he returns to hometown Brussels, goes to a bank to get some funds and accidentally finds himself caught up in the middle of a bank robbery. The banks robbers decide hold him hostage with the other employees and before you can say “Do the splits!” the entire world thinks that JCVD is mastermind behind the crime! It’s a goofy premise that is a perfect jumping point to comment on the realities of fame and the public’s perception of a celebrity.

It could be nothing more than an optical illusion/mass hallucination but there’s one thing I realized as I stepped out of the theater: The Muscle from Brussels can act. And this isn’t glamour acting either. Every moment the man is on screen you buy that he’s a burnt out husk that just wants to give up and live a regular life. The film constantly reminds us of the high cost of fame and Jean’s tired wrinkled face is the depressing result. But even with a solid lead performance (which was said to be mostly improvised) the whole thing could have burned up in puff self indulgence shame if it wasn’t for the work of Director/Writer Mabrouk El Mechri. He gives the film more class then it rightly deserves and he perfectly balances his use on over- exposed imagery, stylish long takes, and tonal shifts that are so effortless that the depressing finale actually feels organic to everything that has come before. The only thing that bothered me was a lack of focus in the first act. We’re shown the robbery’s set up from a few different perspectives and the lack of Van Dammag’s prencese is felt the entire time. Characters are introduced and then cease serving any real purpose within the film. You can feel the editor’s scissors trimming and pruning.

This is not, I repeat, not a broad comedy film. It has jokes to be sure, but it never gives you the easy out. *SPOILER* There’s no easy climax were Jean Claude opens a can of whup-ass on the baddies. It would be impossible. The situation may be highly fictional and ripe for a rock’em sock’em (but in no ways surprising) but they never succumb to the temptation. Real life just doesn’t work that way.

Take for example the one thing everyone’s talking about: The moment were Jean Claude stops the action, breaks the fourth wall and addressees the audience for whopping seven minutes take. That sounds like an abosolute crazy thing to do.

Yet, it works.

The man gives it his all: He sums up his faults, he questions his life decisions and most surprisingly, he cries. You’d think something like that would have the audience in nervous guffaws, but then you’d be wrong, because everyone bought it hook, line and sinker. I never thought I’d say this in my entire life, but you must see a film starring the man who traded quips with a green haired Dennis Rodman for an hour and a half. JCVD is really that good.

In Hell (USA. 2003)

2008-09-04T18:12:00.000-07:00

WATCH THE TRAILER HERE

The rule is spelled out in bullet-holes on the wall:

If you get sentenced to the Direct to Video Dungeon you’re going to make corny, trite and incredibly forgettable crap. Welcome to Hell. You are now In.

So, why am I reviewing this D.T.V film if I already know deep down inside how it'll turn out? (Remember kids, generalization is B-A-D) Well, years ago the moons of Jupiter aligned and something fantastic happened: The Muscle from Brussels actually started to make decent films again. They weren't quite good. Yet.

After brutally blowing away his wife’s killer, Van Damme is sentenced to prison for life and (surprise!) has to deal with evil inmates, baby faced new kids and a corrupt crop of guards. Director Ringo Lam (Hong Kong helmer of the classics ‘Full Contact) lends things a gritty feel that is almost foreign to a universe that's usually made up of ginormous explosions and astronomical body counts. The end product is refreshing breeze: A pessimistic prison drama that just happens to star an iconic action hero. Van Damme loses his o pony-tail and trades it in for a shaggy Grizzly Adams beard and an everyman portrayal. He takes a bruising way more often then he deals it out. And even when the story pushes him toward montage time, the film never devolves into a series of spinning kicks and fancy splits. The fights here are brutal, sloppy and fas. The director seems much more interested in the sordid dynamics of human suffering (I felt at times that there was more anal rape then punches to the face.) It works at first, but what starts off as a fast-paced picture quickly turns into a slow paced mess by the last act. It never really knows where to go so it decides to smother us in clichés instead: You know it has hit rock bottom when the Damme-meister starts sporting a goatee, gets involved in a lame prison fighting tournament and the drama is piled on so thick you’re bound to drown in it. Did we really need a giant mongoloid killer who has a change of hear then gets killed anyway in an explosion of sadness? The ending is also a rushed affair that hits the expected beats (Take that evil Warden!) in a way that makes me wonder if the crew was desperate to get home for supper. Whatever you may think, this is still head and shoulders above anything Segal, who still sadly mumbles his way through a mumu on a bi-monthy basis, has made in the last decade. In Hell is a step in the right direction. There’s only a few hundred left to go.

Uwe Boll Double Screecher!

2008-09-03T20:12:00.000-07:00

The Good Doctor

I’ve done the impossible. I’ve sat through two films directed by the (so-called) worst director working today…UWE BOLL! Did I make it out with my sanity intact? (Was it ever?) Did he force me to swear off movies forever? Do I still love fluffy puppies? The answers are more terrifying then you could EVER imagine.

Reader's Discretion is Advised.

POSTAL (USA. 2007)

You can rest assured. Postal is a literal adaptation of a video game that is centered on a no-named dude (Postal Guy!) killing random people, lighting ‘em on fire and then covering them in a golden shower. Canadian go-to supporting guy Zachary Ward stars at the Dude. His life sucks, he can’t get a job and his wife is cheating on him. He decides to plot a robbery with his religious leader uncle (Dave Foley) that will make him incredibly rich! All they have to do is live through an attack by Taliban, religious nuts thirsting for Armageddon and the midget from Austin powers being raped by a 100 monkeys. Wow. That’s offensive. Does that equate comedy? Hmmm…Not really. You’ll get a chuckle because ‘They filmed THAT’ but the laughs have gone on vacation. Gags about 9-11, a gunfight were only the under 10 set get blown away and morbidly obese people having sex is kind of funny in a ‘ha-ha’ way but it doesn’t mystically turn into genuine amusement. It’s bottom of the barrel stuff with zero innovation. The only interesting thing is that they actually did it. This isn’t satire. It’s poking you in the eye and going ‘Uh-Uh! You feel that! Uh-Uh?” At its rotten roots, Postal is nothing more than a big budget Troma film. We’ve got tons of slaughter, dumber then dumb jokes and goofy acting front to center. The only discerning point being that they actually have a budget! The cinematography flows, the visual effects are surprisingly solid and the practical effects are gooey. I don’t doubt for a second that it was funded by ‘Nazi gold’. Clearly Dr. Boll’s greatest (That hurt) film yet, Postal is fun for a watch, but even at an hour and a half it wears out its welcome pretty quick.

Then again, how can you turn down some full frontal nudity from Kid in the Hall alumni Dave Foley? You can’t.

SEED (USA. 2007)

Urghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Billed as a ‘Serial Killer Revenge Film!’ (Thunder Crashes) Seed tries really hard to kill every possible inkling of enjoyment that could be found in the concept. The rumor goes that Uwe Boll (who doubles as the screenwriter) accidentally deleted the script from his computer after being ¾ of the way through. Instead of doing something logical like re-writing it, he decided to improvise most of it on set. God wept. Without an actual script to orient the terrible actors, we get many a scene that goes on….and on…and on…and on….It takes forty minutes before the hulking serial killer (who does look pretty cool) actually sits in the electric chair, then another ten minutes for him to get up and actually start his slow, methodic and dull…zzzzzz…killing. The main characters spout gibberish, answer phones and do stuff in an artistically inclined (Pfffft) fractured narrative. It all looks pretty good though, I’ll give it that. Uwe Boll believes that shooting everything deadly serious in long static takes counts as gut-wrenching horror. If by ‘horror’ he meant ‘Made me roll up into the fetal position’ then he succeeded. I don’t want to see a scene of a baby crying for five excruciating minutes before it dies, followed by a dog, then a woman. It’s not entertainment or art on any level. AVOID IT! PLEASE! AVOID! THINK OF THE PUPPIES!

Dragon Gate INN (HONG KONG. 1992)

2008-09-02T22:01:00.001-07:00

Leftovers for everyone! It's a big day for me tommorow so all I can promise is two review (Yup. TWO!) tomorrow for your reading pleasure. This is back in the days when grammar, sentence structure and flow completely eluded me. They still elude me, but now at least I'll admit to it. Mhuahahaha

***

WATCH THE TRAILER HERE

Slipping through the fine lines of political symbolism and exploitation is a hard task to master. While writer/director/producer extraordinaire Tsui Hark has done it before. Dragonn INN can’t seem to decide which subject it wants to stay focused on. Which in the end gives the viewer a overly confident message of what really lies behind the film’s tale.

Is this a bad thing?

You can dig down into the gut of any film and always come up empty. The messages always change from one person to the next. Unless you one day capture Hark and torture him until you discover “exactly” what he meant to in “this certain scene” the viewers will never pin-point exactly why the characters were created in the context of the story …Except to be entertained.

Bridget Lin and Maggie Cheung, the main stars here, each of take on a role that defined their career. Bridget playsthe cold man/woman she always plays, and Maggie is an iron-hearted hooker (Will this surprise anyone?) Tony Leung (Tall Tony) also comes into play, as does Donnie Yen. Yen once again proves he's a master of the blade, but fans will be disappointed to only participate g in one fight…But what a knock em out desert duel!

Chin-Sin-Tung proves once again that he’s a master when it comes to flying swordsmen/women. Every scene is brilliantly filmed (Kudos must also go to co-director Raymond Lee) but the action scenes are what really gets the pulse racing. Each of them intricately choreographed with the classic defiance of gravity and specialty weapons included. The action never overshadows the story, but only adds to it when the time calls for it.

This is a definitely must have for any HK film enthusiasts. Every thing is tweaked to its breaking point and as long as you set your mind off it’ll be a fun ride through it all.

DVD:

Nice presentation by Tai-Seng overall. The picture was as nice as your going to get it, with the sound thankfully being presented in it’s original form with the added extra of a dub track. (TAKE THAT MIRAMAX!) The audio-commentary track by Rick Meyers was quite enjoyable, even if it was from a third-party (Someone who didn’t participate in the making of the film.) At a retail of 15.95 US this is a steal!

Invisible Targets (Hong Kong. 2007)

2008-09-01T20:48:00.000-07:00

WATCH THE TRAILER HERE

Since the early 80’s (Many would say even earlier then that) Hong Kong cinema was the leader in the world for excitement per celluloid inch. They cranked them out with wild abandon, had zero taboos and had only one mission: ENTERTAIN THEM TILL THEY CAN’T TAKE IT! No one could top their bone crunching action (“That guy MUST be dead!”), their over-the-top ghost covered horror (“Did he just eat that kid!?”), and the melodrama that didn’t stop at beating the tears out of you (“Make the tragedy end!”). They were cheap, they were fast and they were successful. And then the year 2000 arrived. You can blame it on the immortal pirate industry, American blockbusters stealing the spotlight or the government’s disinterests in supporting their own. It doesn’t really matter, because at the end of the day the industry still starved to a painful death and the survivors that shambled from the massacre were nothing but pale Hollywood imitations. There were (and still are) a few fighters for the cause (Johnnie To) but every good film that comes out is followed by a arid wasteland of nothing. The great golden age of Hong Kong film has come and gone. It’s time to mourn.

“Fuck that!” say’s Director/Writer/Producer Benny Chan.

The director of half a dozen Hollywood styled thrillers (Gen X Cops, Divergence, Heroic Duo) Mr. Chan is going to steal back the glory days. That means the actor’s are going to do their own stunts, the stunts are going to be bat-shit insane and the story is going to be done with a straight face. Three young cops (Pop Stars Nicholas Tse, Jaycee Chan and Shawn Yuen) find themselves up against a family of four super-duper martial artists (Led by Wu Jin) and their eeeeevil plan. The good guys are good and the bad guys are bad. It’s a simple story that exists as a reason to kick ass. And they do. Lots and lots of it.

I cherish every time a film has a moment that causes me to jump up in my seat and scream “Whoa!” and Invisible Target is the proud father of half a dozen of them. None of the main protagonist here are actually martial arts, but that doesn’t’ stop from jumping down 50 feet, being smacked by a truck and then rolling off the hood of a car. Wu-Jing, an actual martial arts super-star, is the real deal and they don’t waste an inch of him. The fights are bloody, fast and vicious without ever losing that hard-edged real stunt feel. There’s always something to smash into or a pane of glass to go crashing through in the world of Hong Kong film. The difference between the flicks of old and Invisible Targets is that this looks like a million bucks. You could place this bad-boy up against any current Hollywood bullet-fest and this would one come out on top. The lighting, camerawork and editing are untouchable.

The acting from all the leads isn’t’ too bad either. On paper these guys are nothing more than ‘Pretty Boys’ but their still trying their hardest to make you forget it. Nischolas Tse is all broody in a mustache, Shawn Yuen shaves his head for the squinty bad-ass look and Jaycee Chan steps out of his father’s shadow (The one and only Jackie Chan) and shows some solid melodramatic chops as the weakling traffic cop. He’s a little slow and sloppy on the fighting side of things, but hey, he never claimed to be his old man.

Other than a slow rough patch leading up to the climax and a 10 minutes growth that should have been snipped off, I have no other major complaints with Invisible Target. It’s a rock solid action extravaganza that pulls out all the stops to entertain its audience. I can only hope this is the gasps of life of new age in Hong Kong film, and not a death rattle.

The Killer (HONG KONG. 1989)

2008-09-01T17:25:00.000-07:00

WATCH THE TRAILER HERE

***

“John Woo sure can shoot an action scene” said a studio suit.

“Yea, and Michelangelo can paint a FUCKING ceiling.” said Quentin Tarantino

***

There are a lot of things you can call John Woo’s The Killer: Melodramatic, Overblown and Cliché are just a few of the naughty words that can be shot about the room. I won’t disagree with any of them. The one thing I will argue is that none of those words make The Killer a bad film. In fact, I’ll be the first to sing its praises and boldly paint on a 50 foot wall that it’s as out-and-out masterpiece of modern cinema. “Is he nuts?” the peanut gallery demands “He just critiqued it words that are nothing but negative!” Yup, they are, but only if you’re critiquing the film based on strict guidelines of what constitutes “Acceptable Cinema”. In every artistic medium, the goal at the end of the day is to evoke emotions in the audience: It could be laughter, it could be exhilaration or it could be terror. The bad films are the ones that leave you lukewarm and undetached. The classics are the ones that make the hair on your arms stand up to attention and force a tingle to roll down your spine.

This is one of those films.

Chow-Yun Fat stars as Jeff, a killer with a conscience. During one of his routine hits he accidentally blinds a singer. Jeff is racked with incredible guilt, so he begins takes care of her, falls in love and promises to restore her sight. . Everything goes to hell when Jeff is betrayed and it all turns into a race to escape the mob and the cops (Led by Danny Lee, who believes that there’s more to Jeff then meets the eye). It all ends in a blistering hail of bullets, blood and explosions that comes together like nothing you’ve seen before.

Easily John Woo’s most assured and all around solid piece of filmmaking The Killer succeeds because it never backs down. Its characters are larger than life. The music is manipulative and grand. The gunfights are impossibly acrobatic and covered in an absurd number of bullet-holes. None of that is a knock against the film. The Killer is a classic because it does everything so perfectly within its own context. The acting (which is dubbed, as was all Hong Kong films of the era) is aces from everyone involved, especially Chow Yun Fat putting in a powerhouse performance as the killer who mourns the loss of honor in the world. There’s tons of layers here (Duality, Friendship and that justice is a tragedy waiting to happen) but it easily gets forgotten in the action on display. I can’t hype this stuff enough. The editing, the geography of the scene and the creativity on display in Woo’s work will never be topped. He may have shot better gunfights before (Hard Boiled, A Better Tomorrow II) but they never had the punch that The Killer packs.

It’s a classic. See it. Don’t make me come over there.

The Promotion (USA. 2008)

2008-08-30T22:29:00.000-07:00

TRAILER: http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=jZHwG7CyZFQ (Skip it. All the best punchlines get ruined.)

“…And he’s Canadian, they’re not the same as Americans, they’re nice.”

Director/Writer Steve Conrad’s first feature film is a light, quirky and stylish piece of work. The story of two assistant managers vying for a promotion at the local grocery store ditches the obvious lame pratfalls and harebrained schemes you’d expect and takes a more art-house approach instead. That would explain why it only opened in six theaters. DAMN REFRESHINGLY CREATIVE COMEDY! I WANT MORE STALE PARODIES THAT MAKE MY EYES GUSH BLOOD!

A new managerial position opens up at the new grocery stroe in town and it comes down to two major candidates: Sean William Scott plays the happy sounding narrator (even when things turn to shit) who feels pressure to buy a house for his wife (Jenna Fischer) so badly that he gets caught up in a web of lies. John C. Reilly is a Canadian new to the States with an Irish Wife and a child he needs to support. They both know only one of them can get the job. How far are they willing to go to put the chips in their corner?

The Promotion could have easily gone the broad route and made John C. Reilly’s character an evil (mustachioed) bastard that needs to be taken down a peg. Can someone say EATING MANURE ACCIDENTALLY!? Thankfully, the film takes its two protagonists (A very subdued John C. Reilly and Sean William Scott) and puts them through the doubts, deceits and slight moral quandaries without ever relying on “Wah! Wah! Wahhhhh – He fell into a cake shaped like breasts!” type scenes that comes with the premise and actors. Both characters come packaged with some huge character flaws (Like real people!) and that muddles the waters. Who are we supposed to cheer for the underdog!? Well, that’s the point. The world isn’t black and white, everyone makes mistakes to get ahead and being a hypocritical and selfish person is only human. The comedy here is never of the laugh out loud variety because they rely on uncomfortable situation (Think, The Office) that feels organic to the slow paced world of grocery store employment. It’s a little black comedy, that never gets too dark, that is completely satisfied at making the audience squirm, giggle and nothing more. Steve Conrad’s direction is assured and creative without ever alienating the audience with needless stylish artifice.

The Promotion is one big-little funny moment. Like its uncertain main characters, it doesn’t want to conquer the world. It just wants to live nice and comfortably.

The Fall (INDIA.USA.UK. 2006)

2008-08-29T13:03:00.000-07:00

TRAILER
http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=iO0LYcCoeJY

The Fall is an absolute labor of love for director Tarsem Singh (Famous for his commercial work and the Jennifer Lopez stinker ‘The Cell). He worked on it on and off for four years, shot it in 20 different countries and paid the bill out of his own pockets. The final product was presented by ‘David Fincher and Spike Jonze’, it premiered at Toronto International Film Festival and then it...disappeared. What happened? Well, it rotted on a shelf for two years, got a little art house release and is now hitting store with little to no fanfare. So I think that…Don’t leave yet! Give me a chance to talk about it first, then, you can leave.

It’s the early 1900’s and a young flicker show stuntman (Lee Palace, star of television’s Pushing Daisies) has a horrible accident that paralyzes the lower half of his body. While lying in bed in the hospital he befriends a young girl (Cantinca Untaru) who’s broken her arm. To pass the time, he starts tell her a story about five men (All of them part of her life) and the evil emperor they must defeat. The story is nothing but a means to an end, because the girl will do anything to hear the end of it, even if that thing is stealing morphine. All the stuntman wants is enough to help him go to sleep for a long…long…time. Then he’ll finish the story.

You will not see ANYTHING as visually intoxicating (Don’t watch and drive) as THE FALL this year. This is the stuff High-Def Blue Ray Players were born to project 100 feet high in your living room. Everything during the ‘fantasy’ parts of the film could easily be paused, framed and hung on a fancy looking wall.It’s finely detailed, awe inspiring and will turn your eyeballs into desperate addicts for visual stimulus. The merry elements of the frame feature the color control of Zhang Yimou by way of Terry Gilliam’s imagination with the clutter cut out and simplicity taking the forefront. Large mountains, things on fire in a dramatic fashion, big old buildings under a blinding blue sky…It’s all here. Every fantasy sequence is guaranteed to feature gigantic naturally crafted tableaus with tiny little characters in the background to emphasize how huge it all is. It’s all about majestic and grand. B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L

Got it? Good. Lets get to the unpleasent stuff now.

The main thematic drive of the film: ‘The magic and power of storytelling’ is too simplistically presented to ever make an impact. There are some clever tricks along the way (Mostly how the Fantasy is always affected by real life) but those beats are hit on the head in an auto-piloted fashion. The whole thing would have been a difficult slog if it weren’t for the warm performance by the puppy eyed Lee Palace and the wondrous little actress Cantinca Untaru. I’m a child actor hater. It’s a problem; yet, I never rolled my eyes and cursed the little devils spawns every time she appeared on screen. It looks like they just turned the cameras on and she reacted to the events going on around her. The ‘real-life’ scenes of the film are visually unimpressive and relatively down to earth, backed by real performances and weighted down by enough realism to actually make you care. Not enough to really make a difference, but enough to make it worthwhile. The Fall is a must see film if you’re aware of it contains: A beautiful awe inspiring picture frame with a "Meh. Okay?" painting ub the middle.

DeadEnd Drive-In (AUSTRALIA. 1986)

2008-08-28T16:21:00.000-07:00

TRAILER
http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=KkR9Ny_FLYQ

“Who care about the film? That’s not why we came here.”

Back in the day, Australia film exports were KING! No one else could deal out the cheese, gore and wild vehicular mayhem like those wacky Aussies. There’s tons of high points (Escape 2000 and the Mad Max films (Well, the first two at least!) and tons of brutal lows in. Dead-End Drive-In doesn’t fail completely a entertaining nor does it ever get good enough for it to earn a recommendation. It’s an in-between film that’s worth a distracted watch and nothing more.

In the apocalyptic future….Is there any other kind in Australia?....Civilization lies (kinda) in shambles. The streets are populated by ninja star throwing ‘Warriors’ rejects, brightly colored punks and a few normal folks jogging. (?) A young man and his girlfriend (Described as ‘Voluptuous’ on the back cover) get trapped in a drive-in that ends uip being a covert prison for violent youth. Obviously, they’re going to want to escape, but not before a bunch of fights, explosion and crashing cars can be seen. Or will I fall asleep before any of that promised stuff actually happens?

Dead-End Drive-In is packed full of exploitation elements that never actually get exploited. They're presented, hinted at and never delivered on. Blame it on everything. The pace is painfully slow, the actors uncharismatic (Other than those villainous Aussie henchmen) and the excitement sluggish and scattershot. The main drive of the plot: “We’re trapped in a PRISON against our WILL!” doesn’t seem to bother anyone. The main guy wants Chevy Wheels so he can escape and the main girl just wants to fit in. Doesn’t any none find it a little odd that there are showers at the drive-in? At the hour mark of this non-threatening storyline some political commentary gets thrown in (“Racism = Bad”) but it’s already too little too late. Bryan Trenchard-Smith knows how to point and move a camera. The cinematography is crisp and colorful, but he just doesn’t have anything interesting to put in front of it.

Supposedly, the original short story (“Crabs”) was straight up a social analysis: The doors of the Drive-In were unlocked and everyone decided to stay on their own free will because it was better than the outside world. It’s hinted in the last half hour in the film version, but never gets developed enough make an impact. Blame a lazy script that's been shoehorned into delivring the exploitation and commentary in a half assed way. No matter what math say’s (Stupid Logic) it doesn’t add up to a whole. It’s just a dead-end.
…
Anyone think I’m the first to make that witty aside?

Space Truckers (USA. 1998)

2008-08-27T20:15:00.000-07:00

TRAILER
http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=5u044sxDlAk

Playing the ‘wink filled’, campy comedy routine instead of attemping actual sci-fi thrills, Space Trucker is a visually interesting diversion and nothing more. It’s a victim of the age old “Trying too hard to please ” that can only result in a high, high pitch that sounds like nails on a chalkboard, instead of the desired bell.

After a bloody little opening, we’re introduced to Denis Hopper as one of the titular ‘Truckers’, a man who gets sent on a cargo to mission to earth with a fiancée half his age (Dabi Mazar), a wet behind the ears sidekick (A useless Stephen Dorf) and a cargo full of deadly sentient weapons. Can someone say ‘Evil Hijacking Space Pirates led by a Bionic Man’?

Truckers is packaged in low budget b-movie trappings yet it is trying desperately to look like an A-movie production. Mostly, it suceeds in a goofy, 'Aw-Shucks' manner. The special effects are surprisingly eye-catching because they elude the full CGI route and decide to rely mostly on solidly crafted miniatures work. The set-design is clever and the day-glow costume designs make every character pop off screen. It’s a shame that everything else falls so very flat. The acting from everyone-on board is a perfect advertisement of the “Someone holds a paycheck off-screen” school of acting. The jokes drop like dead-weights and the tone wishes dearly that it could go out and play with its “R” rated friends but is stuck in its PG-13 prison (People turn into particles when their shot by the super dangerous robot bastard? Zzzzzzzz). Director Stuart Gordon (of famed splatter classics “Re-Animator” and “From Beyond”) should have known better. I would happily have chowed down on Space Truckers if it had gone balls-out to entertain, but instead I got stuck with lukewarm leftovers. It does have a fun little 10 minute bit when the creature first gets loose, but most people have probably A) Fallen asleep by that time or B) Changed the Channel. All of those “invincible” mechanical assassins sure end up being easy to kill by three people in slow moving space-suits.

There’s a fun over the top flicks somewhere in Space-Truckers, unseen among all the missed opportunities. It has delicious crunchy skin but an overcooked center. You can’t just live off skin. It’s bad for your health.

Jam films (JAPAN. 2002)

2008-08-26T20:44:00.000-07:00

Another crappy typo ridden Re-Run from 2002!? I know. It sucks. Blame it on the Writer's Strike from a few months back. It's their fault! *cough*

When venturing into the land of the omnibus film, you always have to open the door with your finger cocked on the safety catch. Especially when you’re reviewing a film in the sub-genre of “Put 7 directors in separate rooms, give them a big budget, then stick all the pieces together and pray for a return on the final product.” It’s almost impossible to review “Jam Films” as a whole for that simple reason. With all the shorts dabbling in different areas (The only one missing being “Action”) you have to view it all with an open mind. And review it the same way. Which is why I'll only be discussing my favorite shorts, and vaguely mention the other one’s. “Jam films” dosen't pretend to be anything else than it's title. A collection of short films by the top director’s of Japan dealing with whatever subject fit there fancy. A jam!

First off we have “The messenger”, a short by Ryeui Kitamura. As usual, it’s filled with the stylish clothes, stylish weapons and a final twist. It was with a bit of disappointment when I realized no action was going to take place. But lowering my expectations helped the final product. “Kanade” is a fun little short which fits perfectly the tone of a light hearted, 10 minute romp. The story sets forth that two people exchange packages accidentally and one of them gets a lot more than he bargained for. No threats or suspense of any kind ever happens, but it was fun while it lasted. “Cold Sleep” is a strange, but mysteriously enjoyable on the first glance through. Like all the other shorts it doesn’t beg to be repeated, but the jokes are twisted (Including the ending) enough to make you laugh on the first run through. “Hijiki and “Justice” are each quirky and funny on there own. Both of them lacking on the plot side of things, but making it all up on the visual corner.

Each director has left his individual mark on his respective short. Watching all of the small segments separately (If possible after refreshing yourself with a film by that said director) is a much wiser choice than doing it all in one sitting. What this film needed is a bit of structure, or a theme which runs across each segment. Instead of just leaving everyone free reign to do what wanted, the choices should have been made with a little restraint.

As usual I’ll end with the answer to the question “Is it good enough to purchase?”. If you’re a big fan of any of the director’s on display (As I am of Kitamura), you should break down and buy it as soon as possible…Even if the film may turn out to be just another failed experiment.

DVD:

WOW! This LE DVD case kicks ass. It comes in a large DVD-SIZE slip-case which is huge and solid (Extremely thick). All of the shorts screenplays (Sadly without pictures) comes included in the box. The English subtitles are crystal clear (Without a spelling mistake in site) and the short Making-Of’s for each individual short are much appreciated. But hurry up! As usual this one is going to go out-of-print mighty fast.

Hamlet 2 (USA. 2008)

2008-08-25T22:00:00.001-07:00

Hamlet 2 is a film with a stereotypical concept. Facing cancellation due to financial constraints, a distressed and emotionally frail drama teacher Dana Marschz (Steve Coogan) must roust his somnolent students to theatrical glory and save the program while doing so. Adding conflict is the fact that the play he means to prepare is his own, very graphic sequel to Shakespeare’s “Hamlet”. An epic tale of redemption and time-travel, it comes to grips with the real social issues of people (and Einstein!) being “raped in the face” and gives a thoughtful look at religion with the inclusion of the dude-licious “Sexy Jesus”. Needless to say the staging of this play causes considerable controversy in the conservative town of Tuscon, Arizona. However, before reaching the thoroughly entertaining finale, the audience must face the first 4 “acts” (as the film’s title cards number them) which are bleakly paced and rather sparse when it comes to big laughs. The plot advances at a crawl, only receiving momentum by Coogan’s great performance. I could easily watch an entire film of Coogan acting drunk, miserable and awkward, with Patton Oswalt making funny noises in the background.

The entire comedic effect of the film depends on the audience pitying Coogan’s drama douche to the point of ridicule and thus laughter. However, Dana as played by this British actor is simply too sympathetic and *lovable*(?) to laugh at in more than a sideways, “poor guy…” kind of way. He’s such a maligned, misguided, barren fool that he almost turns out to be the antagonist of the film. In fact, at one point in the script, the entire running of his play seems to be in the hands of his students, he himself having been reduced to a state of drunken stupor by a bottle of peach Schnapps.

However mushed up the plot may become, the film is ultimately saved by the fantastic finale: the staging of the titular play. Kaleidoscopic, zany, and politically-incorrect it may be, it remains the funniest part of the entire endeavor. By packing most of the laughs in a relatively short span of time, “Hamlet 2” has the audience leaving relatively satisfied, and with a sizeable bank of quotable one-liners.

The Cable Guy (1996), The Truman Show (1998) mini reviews.

2008-08-24T12:29:00.001-07:00

When it comes to critical reaction, one of these films was generally dismissed, the other, unanimously acclaimed. That's why I found myself somewhat surprised when I ended up enjoying them on different levels. (not that I always base my expectations on critical concensus)

"The Cable Guy" is an over-the-top, zany tale which achieved some level of scorn for just how WEIRD it got. It concerns the interactions of a disturbed "cable guy" (Carrey) with his client, the recently dumped Steven (Mathew Broderick). Jim Carrey is a loose cannon in this one, stressing his vocal and physical skills to the limit in dozens of great scenes. I particularly liked his vocalizations of the "Star Trek duel music" as he fought Mathew Broderick in the Medieval themed restaurant. If you can get past the weird, I'm sure you'll be entertained as Carrey boosts himself off Jack Black's back to make a glass-shattering slam-dunk, plays "porno password" with a conservative family, and beats the shit out of Owen Wilson in a washroom. This movie is entirely watchable if you're craving an absurd comedy romp.

"The Truman Show" has a more serious edge to it, and is a better film than "The Cable Guy". However, comparing the two brings to mind the old "apples and oranges" metaphor. Carrey plays the titular role of Truman Burbank, a man who is unknowingly the star of a T.V. show that has spanned his entire life. We see Truman as he realises the true reality and attempts to escape. I find the character of Truman to be much more interesting than the intricacies of his fabricated life, but I have to admit that the choice of filming most of it from the "hidden camera" perspective gives most of the film a certain charm. It's almost impossible not to like this film, seeing as the characters are so sympathetic. How easy it is to pine with Truman after his lost love: an extra on the show who has gone to "Fidgi" for interacting with him.

Altogether two enjoyable films from 2 different corners of the cinematic spectrum. I wonder where "Dumb and Dumber" would fit in?

Things (CANADA. 1989)

2008-08-24T11:29:00.000-07:00

"It's bleeding like maple syrup!"

For their own good, everyone on the planet should see THINGS. The government should make it a mandatory classroom experience. Parents should lull their children to bed with its tales. The Army should use it as a weapon of mass destruction. Shot in Toronto, Canada by a bunch of Good Old Hosers that never grasped that they were messing with evil forces, one thing is clear:

THINGS is essential to our evolution as a species.

It is without a doubt one of the most incompetently written, shot, edited, and…my…god…the…pain…acted films I’ve ever seen. I was only dimly aware of being alive as the images rolled before my eyes. The only thing that kept me from running away screaming was a voice hthat arshly whispered the mantra “This must have been a joke, there’s no way they could think that…MY GOD, WHY? WHY!?” I think that voice was me.

The film starts with a dream sequence in which a young woman (Played by a Toronto Hooker) wearing a devil mask gets full frontal nee-kid as a bespectacled nerd named Doug (Doug Bunston) watches on. We then meet friends Don (Barry J Gillis) and his drinking buddy Fred (Bruce Roach) who arrive at Doug’s house to, well, drink beers. They do. Then they sit around. We get to admire Don’s mullet and wicked dirty stache. Fred turns on a light. Don gets the dog to sit. Fred stares at a picture and comments that it must be an original. They laugh like overdubbed hyenas. The camera is never quite sure who’s going to talk next so we get lots of awkward framing, jarring cut-aways to people smiling and long rambling discussions about plastic fish. Everything is lit in bright blues and reds. Why? Because...Well...

Time passes. The suspense is unbearable.

Every now and then we're treated to random cut-aways to porn star Amber Lynn as a fully clothed newswoman (Reading cue cards held up to the far right of her vision) talking about things like the copyright status of "Night of the Living Dead". Don't question it. Just accept.

Doug shows up, burping and farting his way across screen, and starts to bitch at his friends for not bringing food. They eat a sandwich. They drink more beer.

Twenty have minutes passes and it feels like I’ve lived a lifetime, raised kids and been stuck in crappy retirement home. Suddenly, Fred disappears and Doug is covered in blood. The only reasonable explanation is that Fred got sucked into the “4th, 5th and 6th” dimension. At this point, Doug decides it’s important to takes his shirt off and get a paper towel rub down. This takes roughly five minutes. I think you have a general idea where I’m going with all this and I haven’t even gotten to the part when the immobile monsters attack! It turns out that Doug’s wife has an operation to have a child and the result is her giving an Alien-Style birth to a potato with teeth. The watery ‘bloodbath’ that erupts is an amazing acting feat of Oscar like caliber. Our heroes (?) scream, giggle and run from creature that can’t actually move. We also get an intermission to all the pulse pounding thrills in which Doug and Don sit around and…drink beers. “Get me a beer you oaf and make yourself usefull!” Don barks to his friend who’s still covered in his dead wife’s blood. We crazy Canucks sure know how to cut through the grief and get fun going again! Barry J Gillis is awe-inspiring as our hero. He's so good that he can go from passive to EXPLOSVIELY ANGRY in the same mundane conversation. That takes skill.

Don’t be fooled! The excitement doesn’t end there. We also get a long and drawn out summary of a sci-fi novel that’s completely unrelated to the ‘story’ , a seven minute pantomime trek to the bathroom to take a ‘wicked piss’ and the most quotable lines since ‘Monthy Python and The Holy Grail’. Play at home!

- “There’s so much Blood. There’s Blood Everywhere” (Repeat this Forty times)

- “Ugh. Argh. Urgh. Argh” (Literally read that off the page. Don’t add any semblance of trying to make it sound real)

- “Whatthefuckareyoutalkinagabout?” (With angry eyebrows and pursed lips for added impact.)

I haven’t even gotten to the part with smiling mad doctor arrives (Who likes to call people “Looney Tunes!”), the power drill/chainsaw filled climax and the the super-secret twist! I’ll save you the surprise. You owe it to yourself to see THINGS, subject your friends to THINGS and force your enemies to suffer through THINGS. You’ll feel pain like you’ve never felt before, but remember, it’s all for the greater good. Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to go lie down for a few days and try to get the experience out of my system.

*SOB*

DVD

A completely loaded Special Edition? I don't know if I can last the whole through without gouging my eyes out in cinematic extacy. Things (Ha---A Pun---I’m sorry. I'm so sorry) is attended by off almost the entire cast/crew and the star Barry J Gillis's daughter Victoria. It starts off amicably enough, but before you know it it’s completely crashed and burned with such highlights as Veronica screeching into the mike that “This film is ridiculous. You have MAN BOOBS!, Barry star burping constantly (Right into the mike) and yelling at everyone to “Shut up! Be nice and watch the movie. It’s almost done.” and a hilarious minute where everyone babbles “We weren’t gay…We weren’t…Let’s not talk about it anymore.” It makes little sense, it’s almost inaudible and after watching it I’ve had difficulty focusing on everyday tasks. It’s the perfect THINGS commentary track.

There’s also a rambling (Would we want it another way?) 49 minute retrospective, a party version of tje film with onscreen instructions ("Burb as loudly as possible" "Make barnyard animal sounds!"), deleted scenes, TV interviews (From back in the day), a video message from extremely stoned/die hard Thing-fans and tons more to keep you crying long into the night. The visually cramped but oddly appealing purple fold out DVD case with its 80’s cover art fits the move perfectly. For 10$ on thing1989.com, there’s no reason for you NOT to have this essential existensial film in your collection.

The Toxic Avenger (USA. 1985)

2008-08-23T19:06:00.000-07:00

A solid gold cult classic of classics (That makes sense. Trust me.)

Melvin is a big nerd. He’s constantly picked on at his janitorial job at Tromaville Gym and no matter what he does the ladies won’t give him the time of day. When a practical joke goes horribly wrong and Melvin ends up in a vat of Toxic waste, the world is given the gift of the TOXIC AVENGER. He is a mutated beast of unstoppable power and all the evil-dooers of the city beware! The corrupt mayor of the city, the transvestite muggers and the jerks who like to crush children’s heads are going to get a little Tromaton fuelled justice.

Director and owner of Troma Film, Lloyd Kaufma is famous for producing and releasing garbage that is only entertaining because you can laugh at it (Not with it). Sure, The Toxic Avenger has its fair share of HORRIBLE acting (Actually, all the acting is horrible) and tons of technical gaffs, but there’s still a beating heart beneath its nuclear skin. I got the sense that people actually wanted make a good movie. It still has the lame jokes, over-the top gore and slightly suspect direction that are hallmarks of later TROMA in-house efforts, but it still feels like a “real” movie, which is something that slowly disappeared from Lloyd Kaufman’s body work as time rolled on. I could be have been fooled by fact that the film has an older look , but I firmly stick by my statement that this is the all around best film Lloyd Kaufman has ever made. His later works like Terror Firmer and Citizen Toxie may be more laugh out loud funny or ten times gorier, but they never achieved the overall success that can be found in the one and only Toxie Numero Uno. For example take a closer look at the scene were our Toxic hero takes on a bunch of fast-food terrorists. It’s actually exciting and has gripping action choreography. Nothing ground breaking, but anything with the word “decent and competent” attached to it is near poison to a Troma film. The stunt-men perform crazy choreographed moves that are complemented by the use of the environment, choice of angles and editing. That’s unheard of from Mr. I-used-the-same-car-crash-in-four-movies Kaufman! I’m used to seeing 61 old year old stuntmen have a tiny little patch on their skin catch fire (Ex: The lame ending that caps Terror Firmer)

The only place Toxic Avenger lets me down is in its anti-climactic punch to the gut ending. Even with that in mind, I can’t recommend this film enough to fans of cult/trash cinema. If you’ve never heard of Troma, what the hell have you been doing all this time? Check this out and check out the downward slope (with slight peaks) that is Troma films.

The Mission (Hong Kong. 1999)

2008-08-22T20:43:00.001-07:00

More of a crime based character piece, then a straight ahead adrenaline pumping shoot-em-up, Johnnie To’s ‘The Missions’ is a perfect example of what can be achieved with distilled stripped down storytelling. It’s his masterpiece.

Five men are hired to be the bodyguards for a gangster. Four of them are pros and one of them is a complete newbie to the genre. They’re going to do their job.

By jumping off such a simple premise, Johnnie To engineers a world that is completely enthralling. There’s nothing off-the cuff in The Mission. Everything is perfectly composed, thought out and presented in such a perfect and assured way (Composition, Editing and Camera Movement) that it’s almost unrealistically perfect. The actual design of the film stems from the bodyguards (Lead by a fantastic as usual Anthony Wong) They know how to do their job. No one here is diving to the side with a gun in each hand. The bodyguards have only lasted this long by always working in calculated and strategic fashion. The point of a gunfight isn’t to show off. The point is to kill the attacker as quickly as possible. This leads to some fantastic encounters where the suspense lies in the pause before pulling the trigger, not the actual act itself. Drama arises from the brotherhood that forms subtlety through the five bodyguards. We don’t need any big goofy gags to love a character. We just have to see them act human. The film isn’t 83 minutes for nothing. You only get the bare essentials, no fat, and that’s the way I wish all my genre films came packaged.

NOTE: Johnnie To later directed a semi-sequel called "Exiled" with the core cast returning and it was almost as brilliant as the original.

PERSONAL RANT: I *&@& HATE THAT PART!

2008-08-21T13:43:00.001-07:00

This is a personal beef. Only read on if you want to stumble through a poorly designed door into the dirty covered mind of a piss poor internet critic (Just remember to close it behind you. There are spiders out there):

The thing I hate about most about writing reviews is:

THE BLOODY SYNOPSIS

It’s dull, boring and I’m ultimately regurgitating what thousands have said (more fluently) before me. It stops me in my tracks every time I get to it. I literally swear under my breath every time. Sometimes I get lucky and steal it from somewhere else (And I ALWAYS note that it wasn’t me that wrote it by either crediting the author or putting it in quotations), sometimes I can’t find a half decent one and sometimes I’m masochistic. It seems so pointless, while at the same time, being a necessary evil. When I write up a movie like Tropic Thunder I have little to no interest to write up the plot. Everyone knows it by then. I have to keep reminding myself that all these words will last thousands of years and be kept in large dust covered libraries. How else will people know what the long lost Tropic Thunder film was about? It’s only essential when I review a Chinese film that I got on an Out of Print VCD, but I still I still hate it damn it! It’s the only part of this job that actually feels like bloody work.

I realize that I have nothing to complain about. If I want to do this I have to everything, including the good/bad. You still have permission to punch me in the face for spelling a name “John Woee”

American Psycho (USA. 1999)

2008-08-21T12:59:00.001-07:00

Adapted from the seemingly inadaptable rambling novel that garnered heaps of scorn for its lurid descriptive violence and supposed misogynistic content, “American Psycho” is a film that everyone expected to be a curiosity and nothing more. How could have a film has no endearing characters and star a completely vapid serial killer thta has no redeeming qualities?

The plot is this: “Patick Bateman (Christian Bale) is a young and successful Wall Street Banker by day. At night he’s a crazed killer that strikes out at brutally at random.” . Directed by Mary Hamond (“I shot Andy Warhol”) the film went on to grab tons of media attention when it was slapped with an NC-17. Wow. Really? Had people even read the book? The violence on display ran for pages, completely clinically presented and maximized for extreme stomach turning nausea. The film version HAD to be violent. It was an integral part of the story. The difference between the novel and film is that you couldn’t go too over the top with it. If you poured buckets of blood across the screen the more satirical elements would get lost in the shuffle with the pure exploitation of having someone get their eye gouged out for two pages. It would turn into a cartoon. Thankfully, the film never falls into that trap. Most of the violence actually happens off-screen but we always know exactly what’s going on. Bruce Campbell once said that Evil Dead 2 was scarier when they cut all the gore out: “All you had to cut back to was the hero’s terrified face” and that applies here too. The film never loses its footing as a horror satire. Christian Bale is amazing as Patrick Bateman. He is handsome, rich and most important, a complete dork. People are sometimes so horrified by the random acts of violence that they forgot that at the end of the day this is a COMEDY! The absurdity of the situation is that the shallow people that obsessed are so obsessed with looks, wealth and standing that they fail to realize that they look like complete losers to everyone but themselves. Christian Bale plays the role with so little shame, that sometimes it’s hard to look at him on film as anything else then Patrick Bateman. The films flow may be a little off-putting at first, with little of a forward moving plot to keep things going, but it’s really more of a series of skits than anything else. There’s a sub-plot about Bateman, maybe, being wanted for a murder (Led by a detective played by William Daofe) but it’s never resolved because it’s the interaction of an outsider that’s important, not the end result. The film offers an interest subversive finale that you can discuss for day. It isn’t always as clear cut as you’d expect. I have to applaud Mary for skimming through all the superfluous passages of the novel (And there’s A LOT! Some people would say that’s the point) and crystallizing it into the best movie adaptation possible…well…almost. I’ve heard people say that the perfect star for this role would have been Tom Cruise, because he is that rich good looking guy we all associate with. If we were presented with him as a psycho killer it would only augment the hilarity of the situation.

NOTE: There was a DTV American Psycho 2 starring Mila Kudris, one of the cast-members of That 70’s Show. It ditched any semblance of commentary or satire and played everything as a straight slasher film. Did people even see the first one?

Martin (USA. 1977)

2008-08-19T17:28:00.000-07:00

The vampire genre is a moldy corpse that has been beaten to un-death. Every cliché has been mined and any attempt to create a new bloodsucker filled tale today usually turns out to be nothing more then a bunch of 'cool' people dressed in black that like to hiss a lot. It’s interesting to watch “Martin” twenty plus years after it was originally released because while classified as “A Modern Take on the Vampire” it bears little to no anything that has come before or after. It's (no pun intended) its own beast.

John Amplas stars as Martin, a demure young man who claims to be an eighty four year old vampire. He doesn’t suck blood through any fangs, he dosen't fear sunlight nor does he shy away from the “power” of the cross. All he wants to do is peacefully knock out beautiful young women by injecting them with a chemical concoction, slit their wrist with a razor blade and then suck out a little blood. Martin believes his need for blood is nothing more than a disease. His uncle, on the other hand, is dead set that Martin is yet another victim of the family curse and is now a soulless “Nosferatu”! He must be stopped at all costs. Martin just wants to prove that there's no magic in this world, only cold unfeeling reality.

The free-form plot follows the obviously disturbed young Martin as he traverses the world in search of some of kind of meaning behind his existence. The quest for blood is nothing more than an excuse to present a young man with no direction in life. Martin is fueled by delusions of romanticism (Cleverly presented in Black and White cutaways to a 40’s style horror vampire type films when Martin is on the hunt) that clash with the brutal modern day reality of gangs, grungy streets and loose women. 'None of them are pretty enough anymore" he thinks to himself. Don’t worry, this is nowhere the dreary psychological profile I make it out be. Martin, at the end of the day, sucks blood and it’s a hard and difficult process filled with planning, stricking in the dark and dealing with the unexpected repercussions of the unwanted murders that result. Romero never skimps on the suspense and he knocks it out of the park as usual. Tom Savini is also on board to share his (arguably) first attempts at gore SFX for the screen.

The truth behind Martin’s vampirism is inconsequential. The only important thing is “Where do things go now?” and that answer is one that’s always just out of our reach. Romero presents a snap-shot of a situation with character that are so set in their ways that things can only end the inevitable brutal way (Take a guess?) It's really a shame that director George Romero (Master of the Zombie) didn't step away from the shambling dead more often, because he sure knows how to construct layered dramatic scenario dressed in classic genre clothing that dosen't have to rely on clever gore to make an impact. A fine companion piece to the thematically similar (Struggling with modern day VS Romantic perception of the past) Knightriders.

Knightriders (USA. 1981)

2008-08-18T20:19:00.000-07:00

A very loose modern day (Well, the 1970’s) take on the Knights of the Round Table legend that switches pretty horses for rough and tumble motorcycles. Director George Romero (Grand pappy of the Zombie movie genre) steps away from his horror roots and gives us an epic tale of love, loyalty and lots of people flying through the air and crashing to the ground!

Ed Burn stars as Billy, the leader of a travelling troop of motorcycle stunt-men that patent their whole outdoor show on the medieval days of old. The shows have been running into trouble lately with the law and a rival knight’s (Special Effects Legend, Tom Savini, in a rare major acting role) quest to take the crown. Billy is rooted in his beliefs that show to be nothing more than a group of people sharing an experience. He swears to never sell out even if it means having to end it all.

It’s a shame that that Knightriders never got a chance to dig itself into the collective consciousness, because other then it’s length (Two and Half Hours! Urgh!) there’s actually a truly complex character piece at play here. I was surprised to find Billy/King Arthur painted as a very conflicted character that often made bad decisions due to his iron-clad values and the so called ‘Villain’ Morgan actually coming out on top in the logic category. The subject of personal values, discovery and friendship is constantly thrown in the audience face and we’re never given any easy answers. The expansive casts of characters that populate the travelling troupe of performers all get their time to shine and there’s almost too much good stuff on display here. Romero (who also doubles as screenwriter) should have toned down some of the entertaining (yet extraneous) sub-plots and really concentrated on the main storyline. The extremely visceral (No CGI here folks) motorcycle based action scenes are long and abundant, but also pointless in a way. Their conclusions rarely affect the plot and the big ‘confrontation’ at the end is a friendly competition that has its fair share of suspense but has a pre-destined climax that may not please, but is the only way it could go. The acting on display reeks only a tiny bit of the 70’s curse, with Ed Burns knocking it out of the park as Billy and a few Romero repertoire players like Ken Foree (Dawn of the Dead) making welcome appearances. Romero’s direction is non-showy but does its job. The editing is extremely frantic during the action scenes, almost a grand-parent to today’s prevalent MTV style.

It’s rare that a film’s final fifteen minutes stay with me after the end credits roll, but Knightriders lifts over its exploitation film trapping and reaches for the sky. It may not be a little too big for its britches, but you can’t help but praise it for the effort all the same.

La Haine [Hate] (FRANCE. 1995)

2008-08-17T10:47:00.000-07:00

“Have you heard about the guy who fell off a skyscraper? On his way down past each floor, he kept saying to reassure himself: So far so good... so far so good... so far so good. How you fall doesn't matter. It's how you land.”

Mathieu Kassovitz (Before he made a million girls swoon with his cutesy pie act as the photo-booth guy in Amelie) directs and writes this hard edge tale of rebels with only a vague cause stuck in the miserable French Slums (Banlieu) for the rest of their lives. During a night of riots and looting, one of their own is shot and sent to a hospital he’s declared in ‘critical condition’. Vincent Cassel stars as Vinz, the center of the story, an angry young white man with no direction and zero idea where he’s supposed to head in life. He finds a police issue .45 revolver during the riot and he makes himself a promise: If their friend dies in the hospital, he’s going to plug a cop. ‘One for one’ he says ‘It’s only fair.’ His older and (slightly) more aware black friend Hubert thinks he’s crazy. The third cog in their wheel, an Iranian named Said, just wants to recuperate the money a drug-dealer owes him. None of them care about the color of their skin, even if the police and the public think differently. They don’t have anything better to do one day, so they all head down to Paris to get Said’s money, unprepared for what the city of the rich was going to spring on them.

The art of fabricating a film that is engaging and plot less is a rare one. Director Kassovitz tackles the challenge by injecting every scene with an almost distracting amount of American inspired cinematic trickery. He composes shots in such a painterly fashion that it almost distanced me from the street-tough events playing out in front of my eyes. It’s a double edged trick, because following a move of cinematic virtuoso I was smacked upside the head with harsh reality. The stark black and white presentation helps to add a grittier feel, even when the film is filled with elegant steady-cam camera moves. As previously noted, there are only the bare wisps of a forward moving narrative here, but contrary to what you’d believe, that works completely in the film’s favor. These kids (Fantastically performed by the trio, who all went to bigger and better things) have no real direction so they just wander. They joke, they make trouble, and they run into cops. It’s a vicious cycle that Hubert wants to escape, Vinz wants to break and Said just wants to live in. There’s a lot these characters are going to learn, good and bad, and I was there with them even if like these characters all the time: They where childish, impulsive and short tempered. It’s a testament to the strong performances and nuanced writing that I could relate to them in an instinctively human way. It’s that relation that makes the brutal (and unavoidable) ending that much harder to stomach. La Haine will stay with you for a long time after the end credits (which are music less) roll on. Life is hard, but we can make our own choices, even if we can’t always decide the outcome.

DVD:

Criterion hits it out of the park once again. A fantastic looking picture and sound mix are backed up with a surprisingly vocal and clear sounding commentary track from Director Mathieu Kassovits. The second disc boasts a 90 minute documentary on the making of the film, some deleted scenes (Which show that the film was originally shot on color stock) and a documentary about the French Slums. It’s an all around perfect package for a film that deserves it.

Triangle (Hong Kong. 2007)

2008-08-16T16:04:00.000-07:00

One film. One Story. Three Directors.

Back in the early 90’s, if someone told me that three of the most talented Hong Kong filmmakers that ever lived would get together to birth a singular bastard child of (irrefutable) celluloid awesomeness, I’d literally thank the heavens. That was the early 90’s. These days I’d just wish the guys luck: Tsui Hark has suffered a sling of box office flops and has been desperately pumping out mainstream fluff in an attempt to get back in people’s good books. Ringo Lam disappeared off the map after helming a slew of above average Jean Claude Van Damme films that went to straight to video hell. Johnnie To is the odd man out here. He’s had huge success recently with films like “Mad Detective” and “Exiled” and he msut have orchestrated the project as the “I’m currently successful, but I’ll throw you sad saps a bone” role. The film drops the “Three desperate men must pull off an illegal act” plotline into each individuals director’s lap and they leap-frog into the direction they think it should go. The final product is as scattershot and inconsistent as you’d expect, but there’s still a few nuggets of old-school talent to make the trip worthwhile.

Starting off as a straight-forward (almost FAST forwarded) heist film, Tsui Hark sets up the pace nicely by introducing a slew of characters (including tanned matinee idol Louis Koo and the “Man of a million movies” Anthony Wong) who are desperately seeking a buried gold treasure. The going is good from the get go, with the events proceeding in a speedy and stylish but not completely confusing manner. It’s only when Ringo Lam takes his turn at the wheel that things go off the road. Every character goes completely against type, the story blows a minor subplot into a major one and the genre morphs into a heavy handed psychological drama. That’s all fine and dandy on its own, but it never gels with what has come before. Johnnie To is up last and for his contribution, he decided to kick any character quirks to the side and turn it all into a slapstick comedy of coincidences. He nails the climax to one location, introduces roughly five new characters (It wouldn’t be a Hong Kong film without Lam Suet!) and then plays it all for broad laughs. The nervous and terrified main players from before are nothing but prat-falling caricatures stuck in his Rube-Goldberg machinations. It’s arguably the most successful segment, but it has almost zero relation to what has come before. On their own each segment have their plusses: Tsui Hark has solid storytelling skills, Ringo Lam still knows how to ratchet up that tension, and Johnnie To orchestrates scenes like they where a musical. It just doesn’t work together. Characters are an integral part of any story (even one as drifting as this one) and if they’re completely shuffled to fit a scenes needs the audience will never have chance to connect with them. If Triangle is approached from a film buff’s perspective it’s interesting (if failed) experiment. Everyone else will just be left scratching their heads.

Tropic Thunder (USA. 2008)

2008-08-15T11:19:00.000-07:00

Tropic Thunder could theoretically fail. It would have to try really hard, but failure is always available to people who are given 100 million dollars and have nothing but good intentions. Ben Stiller stars, directs and co-writes Tropic Thunder. The warning bells should start ringing about now. I’m talking about the goofy moron from crap-fests like Along Cam Poly, Meet the Fockers and The Heartbreak Kid. I’m hinting at the fact that he’s actually going to bring the funny? Have you just gotten into the toxic glue lately? Okay, listen up, Ben Stiller once, a long time ago, used to actually be funny. He had a genuinely funny the television series (“The Ben Stiller Show”), he directed darkly funny films (“The Cable Guy”) and people actually looked forward to his big-screen appearances. Had the “actually funny” Stiller been raised from the dead? Every sign point to yes. The cast for Tropic Thunder reads like a who-who of classic comedy: Robert Downey Jr (Back in people’s good books after Kiss Kiss Bang Bang and Iron Man), Jack Black, Steve Coogan, Bill Hader, Danny Mcbride (Last seen as the indestructible ‘Red’ in Pineapple Express)Nick Nolte and Jay Baruchel. That’s almost too good to be true!

It is.

The director of an over budgeted war film Damien Cockburn (Steve Coogan) just can’t deal with his diva actors. There’s the action guy Tugg Speedman (Ben Stiller), multi-award winner Kirk Lazarus (Robert Downey Jr.), ‘jellybean’ addicted comedy man Jeff Portnoy (Jack Black), rapper turned actor Alpa Chino (Brandon T. Jackson) and new kid on the block Kevin Sandusky (Jay Baruchel). Out of sheer desperation the director decides to take the consultants advice (Nick Nolte) and send the whole lot of them into the jungle and shoot the film guerilla style. The problem is that the jungle is filled with cutthroat drug dealer and the movie is about to become reality.

The worst feeling one can have is be underwhelmed. It’s not quite disappointed, nor is it outright loathing, but is instead a tingle that reeks of opportunities lost. Tropic Thunder made me laugh a few times, but they were never big belly laughs, or moments that where going to stay with me. They were cheap. The jokes never bite as deep as they could. Most of the characters poke the surface, take away the easy laugh, and then rush over to the next gag. It’s not quite biting satire, but is more a poke in the ribs. Everyone on the cast is caught within the machinations of a ‘streamlined’ film. Ben Stiller does his usual shtick, but right up front there’s a problem with casting himself as the lead: No matter how buff the man gets, he will never be considered an action guy. Downey Jr and Jack Black are essentially making fun of their acting personalities, but Stiller just doesn’t fit . It would have been perfect if a true-blood action guy like Stallone had taken the role. As it is, we’ll have to deal with more on camera mugging that we’ve seen hundreds of times before. Oh, and yea, there’s that ‘famous’ crazy guy who makes fun of himself in a last ditch attempt to please to the ‘I can’t believe he did that!’ crowd. It’s a one scene joke that gets dragged over four of them and that culminates in one of the most embarrassing credit sequences of recent memory (“Ah-Ha! The Fat Man is dancing!”)

For a film that makes fun of the glossy overspending habits of the summer action film, it sure looks like one. It’s features some of the most expensive looking cinematography I’ve seen all year, the soundtrack is a slew of cliché tracks and the explosions explode BIG. If had never heard of it and caught five minutes of it on TV, I probably wouldn’t even know it’s a comedy. That’s a compliment, but an underhanded one, because at the end of the day Thunder fails at its promise to bite the hand that feeds it.

American Zombie (USA. 2007)

2008-08-14T10:49:00.000-07:00

The zombie genre is dead.

It pains me to say this, as it was those friendly flesh eating dead (Specifically the masterwork that is Dawn of the Dead ’78) that got me into my cinematic stupor in the first place. After countless Hollywood blockbusters and an entire cemetery of crappy independent atrocities we can official give those decomposing husks a rest. It’s a good thing that the new mockumentary American Zombie ditches all of the ‘rules’ and makes up its own take on the recently re-alived.

Most of the zombies in ‘American Zombie’ are functioning members of society. They’re just a little pale, rotting and infectious, nothing to get worried about right? That’s exactly what filmmakers Grace Lee and John Jarvis set out to figure out. Grace is a professional documentarian with a slew of awards under her belt. John is an amateur trauma center cameraman who wants to probe beneath the surface and find all of the zombie’s dirty secrets. They set out to make a documentary that follows the daily lives of few of these ‘zombies’ that live amongst us: There’s a directionless teenager that works at the convenience store, a funeral arranger who is desperate to figure out her past and a flighty nine to fiver who just wants to marry a human. They all get scrutinized under the lens and get to share their daily lives as John asks probing questions at every turn: “Do you eat human flesh?”, “Have you ever longed for the taste of brains?” John is certain there’s something else under the Zombie’s clean-cut façade and he’s sure he’ll be able to crack it.

As a mockumentary, the first half of the A-Zombie works splendidly. It’s not hard to realize that the zombies are a send up every marginalized that ever tried to make their voice heard. They don’t have identification, they don’t remember who they were in their past life and they can’t get any official documents. All they want to do is be recognized! All of the zombies that appear in front of the camera have their own little quirks and personalities and the details we glean, like the people obsessed with having sex with undead, are the little details we’d find in real documentaries. The problems arise in the films last third, when we go into completely unnecessary Blair Witch Territory. Everything before then has been chuckle worthy dry satire and we’re suddenly thrown into the “REAL HORROR OF THE ZOMBIES” and it just falls flat. People start acting complete out of character, sub-plots are dropped (Where’d the blue drug go?) to augment the ‘tension’, and it all reaches a dramatic conclusion that feels completely unearned. If it had stuck to its guns and continued the dissection and satire that took place in the first half maybe we’d have a winner on our hands. Instead, an ending ripped out of a completely different film leaves the viewer with a terrible after taste after a delicious main course…OF FLESH!

Sorry, couldn’t help myself.

Soul Searcher (UK. 2005)

2008-08-13T20:16:00.000-07:00

Another Oldie but Goodie Review from the vault. Pardon our dust.

Everyone tries to over achieve, but in the end, it doesn't really matter how much blood, sweat, and heart attacks you waste...There will always be a point where you'll give one last gurgle and black out. Director Neil Oseman is the guy who'll use you as a step ladder. His sophomore effort in feature length filmmaking: Soul Searcher (Following ?The Beacon?), is a slam bang mixed story with some driven action. The stuff on display is the sweetest cinematic candy around. It even has the added bonus of having characters you can care about. No cavities here Mom!

Joe Fallow's life sucks. He works nights as a street-sweeper, hangs out in a café with his one and only friend, and is helplessly in love with the waitress Heather. Then one night he accidentally runs into Death. Literally. It seems that the 'Grim Reaper' is in need of an apprentice. Joe backs down at first: The job isn't a part time thing. He'd have to leave his mortal life behind. But seeing as he doesn't have much of one, he decides to take the job anyway. One short montage later and Joe is trained and ready. His job is composed of cutting the ?umbilical cords? off wandering spirits. By doing
so he lets them leave Earth and reach the afterlife. It's fluff work until one faithful night. Someone's trying to open the bridge to hell. If that person succeeds, the world will be plunged into another age of darkness. Can Joe bring his act together, get the girl, save the world, and have one last cappuccino?

Let's get the faults out of the way first. The film has a shaky start. The introductions to the main characters are a bit awkward and underdeveloped. Joe's decision to become a reaper is made much too quickly. The viewer never gets a chance to get connected with him before he leaves everything behind. It's only when the villain enters the piece that things start to heat up. The plot suddenly kicks into overdrive. Twists and revelations are thrown at the viewer left and right. A new character is introduced halfway that ups the action styling into a totally different area. Things start to pull into
focus and as quickly as you can say "Wow! That was cool." the film is already rocketing off to the next set piece. Even with all this, the dialogue stays fresh (If disappearing slightly in the last third). We believe that these characters could actually be having these problems. There's never a moment where you hopelessly cringe and go "Ow. That line hurt."

The actors all give admirable performances. Ray Bullock Jnr as Joe is a perfect everyman hero. His love interest Katrina Cooke overturns the usual stereotypes. She could easily have been a paper thin. Instead, she creates an intelligent woman who has difficulty making certain decisions. The role of the villain (A.J Nicol) and sidekick (Chris Hatherall) are average at best. They suffer from little screen time in the film's brisk 90 minutes.

Hollywood influence emanates from every frame. The camera has a life of its own. It moves restlessly without detracting what's happening on-screen. Neil uses only the best conventions and leaves the awful ones behind. The curse of shaky quick cut action scenes never rears its head. Every bout of martial arts is shot with wide angles and logical editing. It helps that the actors and choreographers know what they're doing. The only problem is the 'waiting to block a punch' syndrome that pops up occasionally. It happens so rarely that it becomes a meager nitpick at its worst. I'd also like to single out the ending that *spoiler* takes place on a moving train. It is pulled off brilliantly. The mix of miniatures, CGI and live action footage are blended together perfectly. The majors should start jotting down notes. Soul Searcher is a great movie. There's no denying it. It's a picture that has overcome its budget and delivered. The difference between this and say...El Mariachi is the fact that anyone can enjoy it. You don't have to hold the budget in consideration. All you have to do is sit back and bask in the fun. Hats off to Neil and his team!

Transsiberian (USA. 2008)

2008-08-12T21:19:00.000-07:00

Russia is a scary place. Well, at least that’s what Brad Anderson latest film (After his “Christian Bale as a skeleton man “pseudo-horror flick The Machinist) wants me to believe. After staying in the vaults of the studio for what seems like forever, Transsiberian finally gets to see the harsh white glow of the day and we can see if this taunt thriller lives up to its Sundance buzz.

After a church funded humanitarian mission, regular joe Americans Roy (Woody Harrelson) and Jessie (Emily Mortimer) decide to take the famous Russian Transsiberian train before they head back home. They’re disappointed to discover that the famous ride is more “Metal coffin” then “Decadent mode of transportation”. On the train they meet Carlos (Eduardo Noriega) and Abby (Kate Mara )a couple of world travelers who have many tales to tell but a mysterious past to hide. It all starts friendly enough, but before the trip is over our regular American protagonists will have to deal with murder, drugs and a cutthroat Russian policeman (Ben Kingsley) if they ever want to see home again.

As a snobbish moviegoer it’s my knee jerk reaction to try to spot twists a mile away: “It was the DOG all along! He wore human puppet hands to use the telephone!” The fuzzy feeling that comes from being able to say “Ha. I saw THAT one coming!” is pathetic but something I will go through time and time again. I have to give it up to Transsiberian for not only keeping me surprised throughout it’s running time, but also doing it without ever going completely over the top (“It wasn’t the dog! It was MY EVIL TWIN!”) in an attempt to get one step ahead of the audience. There’s no genre re-writing on display here. It’s nothing more then simple thriller concept that is directed, acted and orchestrated to perfection. Woody Harellson is more sympathetic then ever as the slightly out of the loop Roy while Emily Mortimer puts on a tough face as the morally conflicted Jessie. Ben Kingsley brings his usual glower to his role, but it isn’t anything we haven’t seen from his camp before. The cinematography of the infinite snow covered Russian countryside is breathtaking. Brad Anderson points the camera in such subtle ways that it almost seems as if we’re intruding on the events going on in front of the lens. The slight shaky feel to every shot on paper reads as film school rubbish, but it works on screen as we play the role of the observer. At an hour and fifty minute it runs a little long for a story that should be brisk and compact (The ‘character building’ first half could have easily been trimmed) and the wrap it all up in a bow ending was a little difficult to swallow.

After further thought, maybe not ALL Russians are bad. There has to be good non-corrupt, friendly looking, Russians that won't torture me mercilessly right? Right?

Wes Craven's New Nightmare (USA. 1994)

2008-08-11T19:11:00.000-07:00

Before Wes Craven completely destroyed straight faced horror with Scream, the forefather of the culturally loathed “nudge-nudge-wink-wink…This is a HORROR film and we know it!” sub-genre, he did the meta-commentary song and dance with “New Nightmare”, a last breath (or fresh gasp?) in the Nightmare On Elm Street Franchise. After two and half decent films in a seven film cycle people were finally ready to accept that the dream killer himself, Freddy Krueger, was good and buried. Freddy had started as a frightening figure in the classic first film but had quickly turned into nothing more than a goofy one-liner spouting buffoon by the time they closed the coffin lid. The decision to mine the depth of a long rotten corpse was a ballsy one, but Wes Craven wasn’t stupid and he approached the seventh entry (and only his second directorial tour of duty within the franchise) by looking beyond the frame of the first film and giving us something we’d never expect: What if Freddy started haunting the actual cast members of the first Elm Street film?

Heather Langenkamp plays herself, a slightly washed out actor trying to raise her eight year old son. Lately she’s being plagued by nightmares involving Krueger and her nerves aren’t calmed by the fact that her son is acting very odd. He keeps quoting Nightmare on Elm Street even though he’s never seen the film. It wouldn’t be so worrisome if it weren’t for the fact that Wes Craven has suddenly got the idea to write a new nightmare scrip. Could this be the cause of all her problems? Could it be that Freddy somehow jumped off the page and is haunting the real world?

Conceptually, I love the idea of a New Nightmare: A fictional creation attacks the creators. It’s an age old chestnut but one that was never done on this kind of scale (A popular horror franchise) Almost all the actors from the first film return and do great in their parts as themselves. Even a few non actors (New Line head Bob Shaye and Wes Craven himself) put the acting hat on and add an interesting reality to the on-screen theatrics. The film only started to fail me when it never delivered on its creative premise. "New Nightmare" from the get-go promised to be “Darker and Scarier” and that’s fine, but even when you deliver something scaled back, it still has to be captivating. Other than the “Actors playing themselves” gimmick the film really has nothing much going for it. The nightmares are idea free and mostly feature slight rehashes from the first film. The goobledeegook that explains the “real Freddy” comes out of absolutely nowhere. Freddy himself looks more rubbier then ever and every time his latex face popped onto screen I was pulled me completely out of it. The ending is probably the worst offender. It takes place in a lame-o location, leaves a dozen threads dangling and ends everything with a whimper. It almost feels they ran out of money and threw something together at the last minute. New Nightmare is the hardest kind of films to watch: They had a fantastic idea and did nothing but a competent job with it.