TintorasA jaws rip-off with very little jaws, we’re treated instead to a love triangle between a well-worn English girl, a studly tanned Mexican and our fuzzy glowering hero. The excitement is supposed to come from the lengthy underwater stock footage and scene after brutal scenes of scuba-divers senselessly killing (real life) sharks, mana-rays and giant sea turtles. The shark makes about two appearances and there's some interesting instine chomping but it isn't worth it in the end. There’s supposedly a 123 minute version out there and all I pity the inmates on death-row that are forced to watch it. It won’t be a pretty demise.
Danish Pastries
Straight from the days when pornos where ‘classy’ and sex fell like ripe apples from trees. It's shot on film, lensed in exotic Europe locals and actually masquerades as a real motion picture (This one is even dubbed!) Danish Pastry is nothing more then a bunch of people fucking continuously. There is a plot about a super aphrodisiac put in the water supply beside the local catholic school but it’s quickly forgotten once the giant 30+ orgy begins. You know it's legitimate because there's a scene the wacky doctor has a unprotected (Condom? In Europe? Pshhh!) three way that’s shot in fast-forward and lasts two FUCKING (A pun!) minutes. SPOILER: It ends with sex.
Dead-Alive
The funniest SPLATstick masterpiece of all time. That is all.
No comments:
Post a Comment