The Promotion (USA. 2008)

TRAILER: http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=jZHwG7CyZFQ (Skip it. All the best punchlines get ruined.)

“…And he’s Canadian, they’re not the same as Americans, they’re nice.”

Director/Writer Steve Conrad’s first feature film is a light, quirky and stylish piece of work. The story of two assistant managers vying for a promotion at the local grocery store ditches the obvious lame pratfalls and harebrained schemes you’d expect and takes a more art-house approach instead. That would explain why it only opened in six theaters. DAMN REFRESHINGLY CREATIVE COMEDY! I WANT MORE STALE PARODIES THAT MAKE MY EYES GUSH BLOOD!

A new managerial position opens up at the new grocery stroe in town and it comes down to two major candidates: Sean William Scott plays the happy sounding narrator (even when things turn to shit) who feels pressure to buy a house for his wife (Jenna Fischer) so badly that he gets caught up in a web of lies. John C. Reilly is a Canadian new to the States with an Irish Wife and a child he needs to support. They both know only one of them can get the job. How far are they willing to go to put the chips in their corner?

The Promotion could have easily gone the broad route and made John C. Reilly’s character an evil (mustachioed) bastard that needs to be taken down a peg. Can someone say EATING MANURE ACCIDENTALLY!? Thankfully, the film takes its two protagonists (A very subdued John C. Reilly and Sean William Scott) and puts them through the doubts, deceits and slight moral quandaries without ever relying on “Wah! Wah! Wahhhhh – He fell into a cake shaped like breasts!” type scenes that comes with the premise and actors. Both characters come packaged with some huge character flaws (Like real people!) and that muddles the waters. Who are we supposed to cheer for the underdog!? Well, that’s the point. The world isn’t black and white, everyone makes mistakes to get ahead and being a hypocritical and selfish person is only human. The comedy here is never of the laugh out loud variety because they rely on uncomfortable situation (Think, The Office) that feels organic to the slow paced world of grocery store employment. It’s a little black comedy, that never gets too dark, that is completely satisfied at making the audience squirm, giggle and nothing more. Steve Conrad’s direction is assured and creative without ever alienating the audience with needless stylish artifice.

The Promotion is one big-little funny moment. Like its uncertain main characters, it doesn’t want to conquer the world. It just wants to live nice and comfortably.

The Fall (INDIA.USA.UK. 2006)

TRAILER
http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=iO0LYcCoeJY

The Fall is an absolute labor of love for director Tarsem Singh (Famous for his commercial work and the Jennifer Lopez stinker ‘The Cell). He worked on it on and off for four years, shot it in 20 different countries and paid the bill out of his own pockets. The final product was presented by ‘David Fincher and Spike Jonze’, it premiered at Toronto International Film Festival and then it...disappeared. What happened? Well, it rotted on a shelf for two years, got a little art house release and is now hitting store with little to no fanfare. So I think that…Don’t leave yet! Give me a chance to talk about it first, then, you can leave.

It’s the early 1900’s and a young flicker show stuntman (Lee Palace, star of television’s Pushing Daisies) has a horrible accident that paralyzes the lower half of his body. While lying in bed in the hospital he befriends a young girl (Cantinca Untaru) who’s broken her arm. To pass the time, he starts tell her a story about five men (All of them part of her life) and the evil emperor they must defeat. The story is nothing but a means to an end, because the girl will do anything to hear the end of it, even if that thing is stealing morphine. All the stuntman wants is enough to help him go to sleep for a long…long…time. Then he’ll finish the story.

You will not see ANYTHING as visually intoxicating (Don’t watch and drive) as THE FALL this year. This is the stuff High-Def Blue Ray Players were born to project 100 feet high in your living room. Everything during the ‘fantasy’ parts of the film could easily be paused, framed and hung on a fancy looking wall.It’s finely detailed, awe inspiring and will turn your eyeballs into desperate addicts for visual stimulus. The merry elements of the frame feature the color control of Zhang Yimou by way of Terry Gilliam’s imagination with the clutter cut out and simplicity taking the forefront. Large mountains, things on fire in a dramatic fashion, big old buildings under a blinding blue sky…It’s all here. Every fantasy sequence is guaranteed to feature gigantic naturally crafted tableaus with tiny little characters in the background to emphasize how huge it all is. It’s all about majestic and grand. B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L

Got it? Good. Lets get to the unpleasent stuff now.

The main thematic drive of the film: ‘The magic and power of storytelling’ is too simplistically presented to ever make an impact. There are some clever tricks along the way (Mostly how the Fantasy is always affected by real life) but those beats are hit on the head in an auto-piloted fashion. The whole thing would have been a difficult slog if it weren’t for the warm performance by the puppy eyed Lee Palace and the wondrous little actress Cantinca Untaru. I’m a child actor hater. It’s a problem; yet, I never rolled my eyes and cursed the little devils spawns every time she appeared on screen. It looks like they just turned the cameras on and she reacted to the events going on around her. The ‘real-life’ scenes of the film are visually unimpressive and relatively down to earth, backed by real performances and weighted down by enough realism to actually make you care. Not enough to really make a difference, but enough to make it worthwhile. The Fall is a must see film if you’re aware of it contains: A beautiful awe inspiring picture frame with a "Meh. Okay?" painting ub the middle.

DeadEnd Drive-In (AUSTRALIA. 1986)

TRAILER
http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=KkR9Ny_FLYQ

“Who care about the film? That’s not why we came here.”

Back in the day, Australia film exports were KING! No one else could deal out the cheese, gore and wild vehicular mayhem like those wacky Aussies. There’s tons of high points (Escape 2000 and the Mad Max films (Well, the first two at least!) and tons of brutal lows in. Dead-End Drive-In doesn’t fail completely a entertaining nor does it ever get good enough for it to earn a recommendation. It’s an in-between film that’s worth a distracted watch and nothing more.


In the apocalyptic future….Is there any other kind in Australia?....Civilization lies (kinda) in shambles. The streets are populated by ninja star throwing ‘Warriors’ rejects, brightly colored punks and a few normal folks jogging. (?) A young man and his girlfriend (Described as ‘Voluptuous’ on the back cover) get trapped in a drive-in that ends uip being a covert prison for violent youth. Obviously, they’re going to want to escape, but not before a bunch of fights, explosion and crashing cars can be seen. Or will I fall asleep before any of that promised stuff actually happens?


Dead-End Drive-In is packed full of exploitation elements that never actually get exploited. They're presented, hinted at and never delivered on. Blame it on everything. The pace is painfully slow, the actors uncharismatic (Other than those villainous Aussie henchmen) and the excitement sluggish and scattershot. The main drive of the plot: “We’re trapped in a PRISON against our WILL!” doesn’t seem to bother anyone. The main guy wants Chevy Wheels so he can escape and the main girl just wants to fit in. Doesn’t any none find it a little odd that there are showers at the drive-in? At the hour mark of this non-threatening storyline some political commentary gets thrown in (“Racism = Bad”) but it’s already too little too late. Bryan Trenchard-Smith knows how to point and move a camera. The cinematography is crisp and colorful, but he just doesn’t have anything interesting to put in front of it.


Supposedly, the original short story (“Crabs”) was straight up a social analysis: The doors of the Drive-In were unlocked and everyone decided to stay on their own free will because it was better than the outside world. It’s hinted in the last half hour in the film version, but never gets developed enough make an impact. Blame a lazy script that's been shoehorned into delivring the exploitation and commentary in a half assed way. No matter what math say’s (Stupid Logic) it doesn’t add up to a whole. It’s just a dead-end.
…
Anyone think I’m the first to make that witty aside?

Space Truckers (USA. 1998)

TRAILER
http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=5u044sxDlAk

Playing the ‘wink filled’, campy comedy routine instead of attemping actual sci-fi thrills, Space Trucker is a visually interesting diversion and nothing more. It’s a victim of the age old “Trying too hard to please ” that can only result in a high, high pitch that sounds like nails on a chalkboard, instead of the desired bell.


After a bloody little opening, we’re introduced to Denis Hopper as one of the titular ‘Truckers’, a man who gets sent on a cargo to mission to earth with a fiancée half his age (Dabi Mazar), a wet behind the ears sidekick (A useless Stephen Dorf) and a cargo full of deadly sentient weapons. Can someone say ‘Evil Hijacking Space Pirates led by a Bionic Man’?

Truckers is packaged in low budget b-movie trappings yet it is trying desperately to look like an A-movie production. Mostly, it suceeds in a goofy, 'Aw-Shucks' manner. The special effects are surprisingly eye-catching because they elude the full CGI route and decide to rely mostly on solidly crafted miniatures work. The set-design is clever and the day-glow costume designs make every character pop off screen. It’s a shame that everything else falls so very flat. The acting from everyone-on board is a perfect advertisement of the “Someone holds a paycheck off-screen” school of acting. The jokes drop like dead-weights and the tone wishes dearly that it could go out and play with its “R” rated friends but is stuck in its PG-13 prison (People turn into particles when their shot by the super dangerous robot bastard? Zzzzzzzz). Director Stuart Gordon (of famed splatter classics “Re-Animator” and “From Beyond”) should have known better. I would happily have chowed down on Space Truckers if it had gone balls-out to entertain, but instead I got stuck with lukewarm leftovers. It does have a fun little 10 minute bit when the creature first gets loose, but most people have probably A) Fallen asleep by that time or B) Changed the Channel. All of those “invincible” mechanical assassins sure end up being easy to kill by three people in slow moving space-suits.

There’s a fun over the top flicks somewhere in Space-Truckers, unseen among all the missed opportunities. It has delicious crunchy skin but an overcooked center. You can’t just live off skin. It’s bad for your health.

Jam films (JAPAN. 2002)

Another crappy typo ridden Re-Run from 2002!? I know. It sucks. Blame it on the Writer's Strike from a few months back. It's their fault! *cough*

When venturing into the land of the omnibus film, you always have to open the door with your finger cocked on the safety catch. Especially when you’re reviewing a film in the sub-genre of “Put 7 directors in separate rooms, give them a big budget, then stick all the pieces together and pray for a return on the final product.” It’s almost impossible to review “Jam Films” as a whole for that simple reason. With all the shorts dabbling in different areas (The only one missing being “Action”) you have to view it all with an open mind. And review it the same way. Which is why I'll only be discussing my favorite shorts, and vaguely mention the other one’s. “Jam films” dosen't pretend to be anything else than it's title. A collection of short films by the top director’s of Japan dealing with whatever subject fit there fancy. A jam!

First off we have “The messenger”, a short by Ryeui Kitamura. As usual, it’s filled with the stylish clothes, stylish weapons and a final twist. It was with a bit of disappointment when I realized no action was going to take place. But lowering my expectations helped the final product. “Kanade” is a fun little short which fits perfectly the tone of a light hearted, 10 minute romp. The story sets forth that two people exchange packages accidentally and one of them gets a lot more than he bargained for. No threats or suspense of any kind ever happens, but it was fun while it lasted. “Cold Sleep” is a strange, but mysteriously enjoyable on the first glance through. Like all the other shorts it doesn’t beg to be repeated, but the jokes are twisted (Including the ending) enough to make you laugh on the first run through. “Hijiki and “Justice” are each quirky and funny on there own. Both of them lacking on the plot side of things, but making it all up on the visual corner.

Each director has left his individual mark on his respective short. Watching all of the small segments separately (If possible after refreshing yourself with a film by that said director) is a much wiser choice than doing it all in one sitting. What this film needed is a bit of structure, or a theme which runs across each segment. Instead of just leaving everyone free reign to do what wanted, the choices should have been made with a little restraint.

As usual I’ll end with the answer to the question “Is it good enough to purchase?”. If you’re a big fan of any of the director’s on display (As I am of Kitamura), you should break down and buy it as soon as possible…Even if the film may turn out to be just another failed experiment.

DVD:

WOW! This LE DVD case kicks ass. It comes in a large DVD-SIZE slip-case which is huge and solid (Extremely thick). All of the shorts screenplays (Sadly without pictures) comes included in the box. The English subtitles are crystal clear (Without a spelling mistake in site) and the short Making-Of’s for each individual short are much appreciated. But hurry up! As usual this one is going to go out-of-print mighty fast.

Hamlet 2 (USA. 2008)

Hamlet 2 is a film with a stereotypical concept. Facing cancellation due to financial constraints, a distressed and emotionally frail drama teacher Dana Marschz (Steve Coogan) must roust his somnolent students to theatrical glory and save the program while doing so. Adding conflict is the fact that the play he means to prepare is his own, very graphic sequel to Shakespeare’s “Hamlet”. An epic tale of redemption and time-travel, it comes to grips with the real social issues of people (and Einstein!) being “raped in the face” and gives a thoughtful look at religion with the inclusion of the dude-licious “Sexy Jesus”. Needless to say the staging of this play causes considerable controversy in the conservative town of Tuscon, Arizona. However, before reaching the thoroughly entertaining finale, the audience must face the first 4 “acts” (as the film’s title cards number them) which are bleakly paced and rather sparse when it comes to big laughs. The plot advances at a crawl, only receiving momentum by Coogan’s great performance. I could easily watch an entire film of Coogan acting drunk, miserable and awkward, with Patton Oswalt making funny noises in the background.

The entire comedic effect of the film depends on the audience pitying Coogan’s drama douche to the point of ridicule and thus laughter. However, Dana as played by this British actor is simply too sympathetic and *lovable*(?) to laugh at in more than a sideways, “poor guy…” kind of way. He’s such a maligned, misguided, barren fool that he almost turns out to be the antagonist of the film. In fact, at one point in the script, the entire running of his play seems to be in the hands of his students, he himself having been reduced to a state of drunken stupor by a bottle of peach Schnapps.

However mushed up the plot may become, the film is ultimately saved by the fantastic finale: the staging of the titular play. Kaleidoscopic, zany, and politically-incorrect it may be, it remains the funniest part of the entire endeavor. By packing most of the laughs in a relatively short span of time, “Hamlet 2” has the audience leaving relatively satisfied, and with a sizeable bank of quotable one-liners.

The Cable Guy (1996), The Truman Show (1998) mini reviews.

When it comes to critical reaction, one of these films was generally dismissed, the other, unanimously acclaimed. That's why I found myself somewhat surprised when I ended up enjoying them on different levels. (not that I always base my expectations on critical concensus)

"The Cable Guy" is an over-the-top, zany tale which achieved some level of scorn for just how WEIRD it got. It concerns the interactions of a disturbed "cable guy" (Carrey) with his client, the recently dumped Steven (Mathew Broderick). Jim Carrey is a loose cannon in this one, stressing his vocal and physical skills to the limit in dozens of great scenes. I particularly liked his vocalizations of the "Star Trek duel music" as he fought Mathew Broderick in the Medieval themed restaurant. If you can get past the weird, I'm sure you'll be entertained as Carrey boosts himself off Jack Black's back to make a glass-shattering slam-dunk, plays "porno password" with a conservative family, and beats the shit out of Owen Wilson in a washroom. This movie is entirely watchable if you're craving an absurd comedy romp.

"The Truman Show" has a more serious edge to it, and is a better film than "The Cable Guy". However, comparing the two brings to mind the old "apples and oranges" metaphor. Carrey plays the titular role of Truman Burbank, a man who is unknowingly the star of a T.V. show that has spanned his entire life. We see Truman as he realises the true reality and attempts to escape. I find the character of Truman to be much more interesting than the intricacies of his fabricated life, but I have to admit that the choice of filming most of it from the "hidden camera" perspective gives most of the film a certain charm. It's almost impossible not to like this film, seeing as the characters are so sympathetic. How easy it is to pine with Truman after his lost love: an extra on the show who has gone to "Fidgi" for interacting with him.

Altogether two enjoyable films from 2 different corners of the cinematic spectrum. I wonder where "Dumb and Dumber" would fit in?

Things (CANADA. 1989)

"It's bleeding like maple syrup!"

For their own good, everyone on the planet should see THINGS. The government should make it a mandatory classroom experience. Parents should lull their children to bed with its tales. The Army should use it as a weapon of mass destruction. Shot in Toronto, Canada by a bunch of Good Old Hosers that never grasped that they were messing with evil forces, one thing is clear:

THINGS is essential to our evolution as a species.

It is without a doubt one of the most incompetently written, shot, edited, and…my…god…the…pain…acted films I’ve ever seen. I was only dimly aware of being alive as the images rolled before my eyes. The only thing that kept me from running away screaming was a voice hthat arshly whispered the mantra “This must have been a joke, there’s no way they could think that…MY GOD, WHY? WHY!?” I think that voice was me.

The film starts with a dream sequence in which a young woman (Played by a Toronto Hooker) wearing a devil mask gets full frontal nee-kid as a bespectacled nerd named Doug (Doug Bunston) watches on. We then meet friends Don (Barry J Gillis) and his drinking buddy Fred (Bruce Roach) who arrive at Doug’s house to, well, drink beers. They do. Then they sit around. We get to admire Don’s mullet and wicked dirty stache. Fred turns on a light. Don gets the dog to sit. Fred stares at a picture and comments that it must be an original. They laugh like overdubbed hyenas. The camera is never quite sure who’s going to talk next so we get lots of awkward framing, jarring cut-aways to people smiling and long rambling discussions about plastic fish. Everything is lit in bright blues and reds. Why? Because...Well...

Time passes. The suspense is unbearable.

Every now and then we're treated to random cut-aways to porn star Amber Lynn as a fully clothed newswoman (Reading cue cards held up to the far right of her vision) talking about things like the copyright status of "Night of the Living Dead". Don't question it. Just accept.

Doug shows up, burping and farting his way across screen, and starts to bitch at his friends for not bringing food. They eat a sandwich. They drink more beer.

Twenty have minutes passes and it feels like I’ve lived a lifetime, raised kids and been stuck in crappy retirement home. Suddenly, Fred disappears and Doug is covered in blood. The only reasonable explanation is that Fred got sucked into the “4th, 5th and 6th” dimension. At this point, Doug decides it’s important to takes his shirt off and get a paper towel rub down. This takes roughly five minutes. I think you have a general idea where I’m going with all this and I haven’t even gotten to the part when the immobile monsters attack! It turns out that Doug’s wife has an operation to have a child and the result is her giving an Alien-Style birth to a potato with teeth. The watery ‘bloodbath’ that erupts is an amazing acting feat of Oscar like caliber. Our heroes (?) scream, giggle and run from creature that can’t actually move. We also get an intermission to all the pulse pounding thrills in which Doug and Don sit around and…drink beers. “Get me a beer you oaf and make yourself usefull!” Don barks to his friend who’s still covered in his dead wife’s blood. We crazy Canucks sure know how to cut through the grief and get fun going again! Barry J Gillis is awe-inspiring as our hero. He's so good that he can go from passive to EXPLOSVIELY ANGRY in the same mundane conversation. That takes skill.

Don’t be fooled! The excitement doesn’t end there. We also get a long and drawn out summary of a sci-fi novel that’s completely unrelated to the ‘story’ , a seven minute pantomime trek to the bathroom to take a ‘wicked piss’ and the most quotable lines since ‘Monthy Python and The Holy Grail’. Play at home!

- “There’s so much Blood. There’s Blood Everywhere” (Repeat this Forty times)

- “Ugh. Argh. Urgh. Argh” (Literally read that off the page. Don’t add any semblance of trying to make it sound real)

- “Whatthefuckareyoutalkinagabout?” (With angry eyebrows and pursed lips for added impact.)

I haven’t even gotten to the part with smiling mad doctor arrives (Who likes to call people “Looney Tunes!”), the power drill/chainsaw filled climax and the the super-secret twist! I’ll save you the surprise. You owe it to yourself to see THINGS, subject your friends to THINGS and force your enemies to suffer through THINGS. You’ll feel pain like you’ve never felt before, but remember, it’s all for the greater good. Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to go lie down for a few days and try to get the experience out of my system.

*SOB*

DVD

A completely loaded Special Edition? I don't know if I can last the whole through without gouging my eyes out in cinematic extacy. Things (Ha---A Pun---I’m sorry. I'm so sorry) is attended by off almost the entire cast/crew and the star Barry J Gillis's daughter Victoria. It starts off amicably enough, but before you know it it’s completely crashed and burned with such highlights as Veronica screeching into the mike that “This film is ridiculous. You have MAN BOOBS!, Barry star burping constantly (Right into the mike) and yelling at everyone to “Shut up! Be nice and watch the movie. It’s almost done.” and a hilarious minute where everyone babbles “We weren’t gay…We weren’t…Let’s not talk about it anymore.” It makes little sense, it’s almost inaudible and after watching it I’ve had difficulty focusing on everyday tasks. It’s the perfect THINGS commentary track.

There’s also a rambling (Would we want it another way?) 49 minute retrospective, a party version of tje film with onscreen instructions ("Burb as loudly as possible" "Make barnyard animal sounds!"), deleted scenes, TV interviews (From back in the day), a video message from extremely stoned/die hard Thing-fans and tons more to keep you crying long into the night. The visually cramped but oddly appealing purple fold out DVD case with its 80’s cover art fits the move perfectly. For 10$ on thing1989.com, there’s no reason for you NOT to have this essential existensial film in your collection.

The Toxic Avenger (USA. 1985)

A solid gold cult classic of classics (That makes sense. Trust me.)

Melvin is a big nerd. He’s constantly picked on at his janitorial job at Tromaville Gym and no matter what he does the ladies won’t give him the time of day. When a practical joke goes horribly wrong and Melvin ends up in a vat of Toxic waste, the world is given the gift of the TOXIC AVENGER. He is a mutated beast of unstoppable power and all the evil-dooers of the city beware! The corrupt mayor of the city, the transvestite muggers and the jerks who like to crush children’s heads are going to get a little Tromaton fuelled justice.

Director and owner of Troma Film, Lloyd Kaufma is famous for producing and releasing garbage that is only entertaining because you can laugh at it (Not with it). Sure, The Toxic Avenger has its fair share of HORRIBLE acting (Actually, all the acting is horrible) and tons of technical gaffs, but there’s still a beating heart beneath its nuclear skin. I got the sense that people actually wanted make a good movie. It still has the lame jokes, over-the top gore and slightly suspect direction that are hallmarks of later TROMA in-house efforts, but it still feels like a “real” movie, which is something that slowly disappeared from Lloyd Kaufman’s body work as time rolled on. I could be have been fooled by fact that the film has an older look , but I firmly stick by my statement that this is the all around best film Lloyd Kaufman has ever made. His later works like Terror Firmer and Citizen Toxie may be more laugh out loud funny or ten times gorier, but they never achieved the overall success that can be found in the one and only Toxie Numero Uno. For example take a closer look at the scene were our Toxic hero takes on a bunch of fast-food terrorists. It’s actually exciting and has gripping action choreography. Nothing ground breaking, but anything with the word “decent and competent” attached to it is near poison to a Troma film. The stunt-men perform crazy choreographed moves that are complemented by the use of the environment, choice of angles and editing. That’s unheard of from Mr. I-used-the-same-car-crash-in-four-movies Kaufman! I’m used to seeing 61 old year old stuntmen have a tiny little patch on their skin catch fire (Ex: The lame ending that caps Terror Firmer)

The only place Toxic Avenger lets me down is in its anti-climactic punch to the gut ending. Even with that in mind, I can’t recommend this film enough to fans of cult/trash cinema. If you’ve never heard of Troma, what the hell have you been doing all this time? Check this out and check out the downward slope (with slight peaks) that is Troma films.

The Mission (Hong Kong. 1999)

More of a crime based character piece, then a straight ahead adrenaline pumping shoot-em-up, Johnnie To’s ‘The Missions’ is a perfect example of what can be achieved with distilled stripped down storytelling. It’s his masterpiece.

Five men are hired to be the bodyguards for a gangster. Four of them are pros and one of them is a complete newbie to the genre. They’re going to do their job.

By jumping off such a simple premise, Johnnie To engineers a world that is completely enthralling. There’s nothing off-the cuff in The Mission. Everything is perfectly composed, thought out and presented in such a perfect and assured way (Composition, Editing and Camera Movement) that it’s almost unrealistically perfect. The actual design of the film stems from the bodyguards (Lead by a fantastic as usual Anthony Wong) They know how to do their job. No one here is diving to the side with a gun in each hand. The bodyguards have only lasted this long by always working in calculated and strategic fashion. The point of a gunfight isn’t to show off. The point is to kill the attacker as quickly as possible. This leads to some fantastic encounters where the suspense lies in the pause before pulling the trigger, not the actual act itself. Drama arises from the brotherhood that forms subtlety through the five bodyguards. We don’t need any big goofy gags to love a character. We just have to see them act human. The film isn’t 83 minutes for nothing. You only get the bare essentials, no fat, and that’s the way I wish all my genre films came packaged.

NOTE: Johnnie To later directed a semi-sequel called "Exiled" with the core cast returning and it was almost as brilliant as the original.

PERSONAL RANT: I *&@& HATE THAT PART!

This is a personal beef. Only read on if you want to stumble through a poorly designed door into the dirty covered mind of a piss poor internet critic (Just remember to close it behind you. There are spiders out there):

The thing I hate about most about writing reviews is:

THE BLOODY SYNOPSIS

It’s dull, boring and I’m ultimately regurgitating what thousands have said (more fluently) before me. It stops me in my tracks every time I get to it. I literally swear under my breath every time. Sometimes I get lucky and steal it from somewhere else (And I ALWAYS note that it wasn’t me that wrote it by either crediting the author or putting it in quotations), sometimes I can’t find a half decent one and sometimes I’m masochistic. It seems so pointless, while at the same time, being a necessary evil. When I write up a movie like Tropic Thunder I have little to no interest to write up the plot. Everyone knows it by then. I have to keep reminding myself that all these words will last thousands of years and be kept in large dust covered libraries. How else will people know what the long lost Tropic Thunder film was about? It’s only essential when I review a Chinese film that I got on an Out of Print VCD, but I still I still hate it damn it! It’s the only part of this job that actually feels like bloody work.

I realize that I have nothing to complain about. If I want to do this I have to everything, including the good/bad. You still have permission to punch me in the face for spelling a name “John Woee”

American Psycho (USA. 1999)

Adapted from the seemingly inadaptable rambling novel that garnered heaps of scorn for its lurid descriptive violence and supposed misogynistic content, “American Psycho” is a film that everyone expected to be a curiosity and nothing more. How could have a film has no endearing characters and star a completely vapid serial killer thta has no redeeming qualities?

The plot is this: “Patick Bateman (Christian Bale) is a young and successful Wall Street Banker by day. At night he’s a crazed killer that strikes out at brutally at random.” . Directed by Mary Hamond (“I shot Andy Warhol”) the film went on to grab tons of media attention when it was slapped with an NC-17. Wow. Really? Had people even read the book? The violence on display ran for pages, completely clinically presented and maximized for extreme stomach turning nausea. The film version HAD to be violent. It was an integral part of the story. The difference between the novel and film is that you couldn’t go too over the top with it. If you poured buckets of blood across the screen the more satirical elements would get lost in the shuffle with the pure exploitation of having someone get their eye gouged out for two pages. It would turn into a cartoon. Thankfully, the film never falls into that trap. Most of the violence actually happens off-screen but we always know exactly what’s going on. Bruce Campbell once said that Evil Dead 2 was scarier when they cut all the gore out: “All you had to cut back to was the hero’s terrified face” and that applies here too. The film never loses its footing as a horror satire. Christian Bale is amazing as Patrick Bateman. He is handsome, rich and most important, a complete dork. People are sometimes so horrified by the random acts of violence that they forgot that at the end of the day this is a COMEDY! The absurdity of the situation is that the shallow people that obsessed are so obsessed with looks, wealth and standing that they fail to realize that they look like complete losers to everyone but themselves. Christian Bale plays the role with so little shame, that sometimes it’s hard to look at him on film as anything else then Patrick Bateman. The films flow may be a little off-putting at first, with little of a forward moving plot to keep things going, but it’s really more of a series of skits than anything else. There’s a sub-plot about Bateman, maybe, being wanted for a murder (Led by a detective played by William Daofe) but it’s never resolved because it’s the interaction of an outsider that’s important, not the end result. The film offers an interest subversive finale that you can discuss for day. It isn’t always as clear cut as you’d expect. I have to applaud Mary for skimming through all the superfluous passages of the novel (And there’s A LOT! Some people would say that’s the point) and crystallizing it into the best movie adaptation possible…well…almost. I’ve heard people say that the perfect star for this role would have been Tom Cruise, because he is that rich good looking guy we all associate with. If we were presented with him as a psycho killer it would only augment the hilarity of the situation.

NOTE: There was a DTV American Psycho 2 starring Mila Kudris, one of the cast-members of That 70’s Show. It ditched any semblance of commentary or satire and played everything as a straight slasher film. Did people even see the first one?

Martin (USA. 1977)

The vampire genre is a moldy corpse that has been beaten to un-death. Every cliché has been mined and any attempt to create a new bloodsucker filled tale today usually turns out to be nothing more then a bunch of 'cool' people dressed in black that like to hiss a lot. It’s interesting to watch “Martin” twenty plus years after it was originally released because while classified as “A Modern Take on the Vampire” it bears little to no anything that has come before or after. It's (no pun intended) its own beast.

John Amplas stars as Martin, a demure young man who claims to be an eighty four year old vampire. He doesn’t suck blood through any fangs, he dosen't fear sunlight nor does he shy away from the “power” of the cross. All he wants to do is peacefully knock out beautiful young women by injecting them with a chemical concoction, slit their wrist with a razor blade and then suck out a little blood. Martin believes his need for blood is nothing more than a disease. His uncle, on the other hand, is dead set that Martin is yet another victim of the family curse and is now a soulless “Nosferatu”! He must be stopped at all costs. Martin just wants to prove that there's no magic in this world, only cold unfeeling reality.

The free-form plot follows the obviously disturbed young Martin as he traverses the world in search of some of kind of meaning behind his existence. The quest for blood is nothing more than an excuse to present a young man with no direction in life. Martin is fueled by delusions of romanticism (Cleverly presented in Black and White cutaways to a 40’s style horror vampire type films when Martin is on the hunt) that clash with the brutal modern day reality of gangs, grungy streets and loose women. 'None of them are pretty enough anymore" he thinks to himself. Don’t worry, this is nowhere the dreary psychological profile I make it out be. Martin, at the end of the day, sucks blood and it’s a hard and difficult process filled with planning, stricking in the dark and dealing with the unexpected repercussions of the unwanted murders that result. Romero never skimps on the suspense and he knocks it out of the park as usual. Tom Savini is also on board to share his (arguably) first attempts at gore SFX for the screen.

The truth behind Martin’s vampirism is inconsequential. The only important thing is “Where do things go now?” and that answer is one that’s always just out of our reach. Romero presents a snap-shot of a situation with character that are so set in their ways that things can only end the inevitable brutal way (Take a guess?) It's really a shame that director George Romero (Master of the Zombie) didn't step away from the shambling dead more often, because he sure knows how to construct layered dramatic scenario dressed in classic genre clothing that dosen't have to rely on clever gore to make an impact. A fine companion piece to the thematically similar (Struggling with modern day VS Romantic perception of the past) Knightriders.

Knightriders (USA. 1981)

A very loose modern day (Well, the 1970’s) take on the Knights of the Round Table legend that switches pretty horses for rough and tumble motorcycles. Director George Romero (Grand pappy of the Zombie movie genre) steps away from his horror roots and gives us an epic tale of love, loyalty and lots of people flying through the air and crashing to the ground!

Ed Burn stars as Billy, the leader of a travelling troop of motorcycle stunt-men that patent their whole outdoor show on the medieval days of old. The shows have been running into trouble lately with the law and a rival knight’s (Special Effects Legend, Tom Savini, in a rare major acting role) quest to take the crown. Billy is rooted in his beliefs that show to be nothing more than a group of people sharing an experience. He swears to never sell out even if it means having to end it all.

It’s a shame that that Knightriders never got a chance to dig itself into the collective consciousness, because other then it’s length (Two and Half Hours! Urgh!) there’s actually a truly complex character piece at play here. I was surprised to find Billy/King Arthur painted as a very conflicted character that often made bad decisions due to his iron-clad values and the so called ‘Villain’ Morgan actually coming out on top in the logic category. The subject of personal values, discovery and friendship is constantly thrown in the audience face and we’re never given any easy answers. The expansive casts of characters that populate the travelling troupe of performers all get their time to shine and there’s almost too much good stuff on display here. Romero (who also doubles as screenwriter) should have toned down some of the entertaining (yet extraneous) sub-plots and really concentrated on the main storyline. The extremely visceral (No CGI here folks) motorcycle based action scenes are long and abundant, but also pointless in a way. Their conclusions rarely affect the plot and the big ‘confrontation’ at the end is a friendly competition that has its fair share of suspense but has a pre-destined climax that may not please, but is the only way it could go. The acting on display reeks only a tiny bit of the 70’s curse, with Ed Burns knocking it out of the park as Billy and a few Romero repertoire players like Ken Foree (Dawn of the Dead) making welcome appearances. Romero’s direction is non-showy but does its job. The editing is extremely frantic during the action scenes, almost a grand-parent to today’s prevalent MTV style.

It’s rare that a film’s final fifteen minutes stay with me after the end credits roll, but Knightriders lifts over its exploitation film trapping and reaches for the sky. It may not be a little too big for its britches, but you can’t help but praise it for the effort all the same.

La Haine [Hate] (FRANCE. 1995)

“Have you heard about the guy who fell off a skyscraper? On his way down past each floor, he kept saying to reassure himself: So far so good... so far so good... so far so good. How you fall doesn't matter. It's how you land.”

Mathieu Kassovitz (Before he made a million girls swoon with his cutesy pie act as the photo-booth guy in Amelie) directs and writes this hard edge tale of rebels with only a vague cause stuck in the miserable French Slums (Banlieu) for the rest of their lives. During a night of riots and looting, one of their own is shot and sent to a hospital he’s declared in ‘critical condition’. Vincent Cassel stars as Vinz, the center of the story, an angry young white man with no direction and zero idea where he’s supposed to head in life. He finds a police issue .45 revolver during the riot and he makes himself a promise: If their friend dies in the hospital, he’s going to plug a cop. ‘One for one’ he says ‘It’s only fair.’ His older and (slightly) more aware black friend Hubert thinks he’s crazy. The third cog in their wheel, an Iranian named Said, just wants to recuperate the money a drug-dealer owes him. None of them care about the color of their skin, even if the police and the public think differently. They don’t have anything better to do one day, so they all head down to Paris to get Said’s money, unprepared for what the city of the rich was going to spring on them.

The art of fabricating a film that is engaging and plot less is a rare one. Director Kassovitz tackles the challenge by injecting every scene with an almost distracting amount of American inspired cinematic trickery. He composes shots in such a painterly fashion that it almost distanced me from the street-tough events playing out in front of my eyes. It’s a double edged trick, because following a move of cinematic virtuoso I was smacked upside the head with harsh reality. The stark black and white presentation helps to add a grittier feel, even when the film is filled with elegant steady-cam camera moves. As previously noted, there are only the bare wisps of a forward moving narrative here, but contrary to what you’d believe, that works completely in the film’s favor. These kids (Fantastically performed by the trio, who all went to bigger and better things) have no real direction so they just wander. They joke, they make trouble, and they run into cops. It’s a vicious cycle that Hubert wants to escape, Vinz wants to break and Said just wants to live in. There’s a lot these characters are going to learn, good and bad, and I was there with them even if like these characters all the time: They where childish, impulsive and short tempered. It’s a testament to the strong performances and nuanced writing that I could relate to them in an instinctively human way. It’s that relation that makes the brutal (and unavoidable) ending that much harder to stomach. La Haine will stay with you for a long time after the end credits (which are music less) roll on. Life is hard, but we can make our own choices, even if we can’t always decide the outcome.

DVD:

Criterion hits it out of the park once again. A fantastic looking picture and sound mix are backed up with a surprisingly vocal and clear sounding commentary track from Director Mathieu Kassovits. The second disc boasts a 90 minute documentary on the making of the film, some deleted scenes (Which show that the film was originally shot on color stock) and a documentary about the French Slums. It’s an all around perfect package for a film that deserves it.

Triangle (Hong Kong. 2007)

One film. One Story. Three Directors.

Back in the early 90’s, if someone told me that three of the most talented Hong Kong filmmakers that ever lived would get together to birth a singular bastard child of (irrefutable) celluloid awesomeness, I’d literally thank the heavens. That was the early 90’s. These days I’d just wish the guys luck: Tsui Hark has suffered a sling of box office flops and has been desperately pumping out mainstream fluff in an attempt to get back in people’s good books. Ringo Lam disappeared off the map after helming a slew of above average Jean Claude Van Damme films that went to straight to video hell. Johnnie To is the odd man out here. He’s had huge success recently with films like “Mad Detective” and “Exiled” and he msut have orchestrated the project as the “I’m currently successful, but I’ll throw you sad saps a bone” role. The film drops the “Three desperate men must pull off an illegal act” plotline into each individuals director’s lap and they leap-frog into the direction they think it should go. The final product is as scattershot and inconsistent as you’d expect, but there’s still a few nuggets of old-school talent to make the trip worthwhile.

Starting off as a straight-forward (almost FAST forwarded) heist film, Tsui Hark sets up the pace nicely by introducing a slew of characters (including tanned matinee idol Louis Koo and the “Man of a million movies” Anthony Wong) who are desperately seeking a buried gold treasure. The going is good from the get go, with the events proceeding in a speedy and stylish but not completely confusing manner. It’s only when Ringo Lam takes his turn at the wheel that things go off the road. Every character goes completely against type, the story blows a minor subplot into a major one and the genre morphs into a heavy handed psychological drama. That’s all fine and dandy on its own, but it never gels with what has come before. Johnnie To is up last and for his contribution, he decided to kick any character quirks to the side and turn it all into a slapstick comedy of coincidences. He nails the climax to one location, introduces roughly five new characters (It wouldn’t be a Hong Kong film without Lam Suet!) and then plays it all for broad laughs. The nervous and terrified main players from before are nothing but prat-falling caricatures stuck in his Rube-Goldberg machinations. It’s arguably the most successful segment, but it has almost zero relation to what has come before. On their own each segment have their plusses: Tsui Hark has solid storytelling skills, Ringo Lam still knows how to ratchet up that tension, and Johnnie To orchestrates scenes like they where a musical. It just doesn’t work together. Characters are an integral part of any story (even one as drifting as this one) and if they’re completely shuffled to fit a scenes needs the audience will never have chance to connect with them. If Triangle is approached from a film buff’s perspective it’s interesting (if failed) experiment. Everyone else will just be left scratching their heads.

Tropic Thunder (USA. 2008)

Tropic Thunder could theoretically fail. It would have to try really hard, but failure is always available to people who are given 100 million dollars and have nothing but good intentions. Ben Stiller stars, directs and co-writes Tropic Thunder. The warning bells should start ringing about now. I’m talking about the goofy moron from crap-fests like Along Cam Poly, Meet the Fockers and The Heartbreak Kid. I’m hinting at the fact that he’s actually going to bring the funny? Have you just gotten into the toxic glue lately? Okay, listen up, Ben Stiller once, a long time ago, used to actually be funny. He had a genuinely funny the television series (“The Ben Stiller Show”), he directed darkly funny films (“The Cable Guy”) and people actually looked forward to his big-screen appearances. Had the “actually funny” Stiller been raised from the dead? Every sign point to yes. The cast for Tropic Thunder reads like a who-who of classic comedy: Robert Downey Jr (Back in people’s good books after Kiss Kiss Bang Bang and Iron Man), Jack Black, Steve Coogan, Bill Hader, Danny Mcbride (Last seen as the indestructible ‘Red’ in Pineapple Express)Nick Nolte and Jay Baruchel. That’s almost too good to be true!

It is.

The director of an over budgeted war film Damien Cockburn (Steve Coogan) just can’t deal with his diva actors. There’s the action guy Tugg Speedman (Ben Stiller), multi-award winner Kirk Lazarus (Robert Downey Jr.), ‘jellybean’ addicted comedy man Jeff Portnoy (Jack Black), rapper turned actor Alpa Chino (Brandon T. Jackson) and new kid on the block Kevin Sandusky (Jay Baruchel). Out of sheer desperation the director decides to take the consultants advice (Nick Nolte) and send the whole lot of them into the jungle and shoot the film guerilla style. The problem is that the jungle is filled with cutthroat drug dealer and the movie is about to become reality.

The worst feeling one can have is be underwhelmed. It’s not quite disappointed, nor is it outright loathing, but is instead a tingle that reeks of opportunities lost. Tropic Thunder made me laugh a few times, but they were never big belly laughs, or moments that where going to stay with me. They were cheap. The jokes never bite as deep as they could. Most of the characters poke the surface, take away the easy laugh, and then rush over to the next gag. It’s not quite biting satire, but is more a poke in the ribs. Everyone on the cast is caught within the machinations of a ‘streamlined’ film. Ben Stiller does his usual shtick, but right up front there’s a problem with casting himself as the lead: No matter how buff the man gets, he will never be considered an action guy. Downey Jr and Jack Black are essentially making fun of their acting personalities, but Stiller just doesn’t fit . It would have been perfect if a true-blood action guy like Stallone had taken the role. As it is, we’ll have to deal with more on camera mugging that we’ve seen hundreds of times before. Oh, and yea, there’s that ‘famous’ crazy guy who makes fun of himself in a last ditch attempt to please to the ‘I can’t believe he did that!’ crowd. It’s a one scene joke that gets dragged over four of them and that culminates in one of the most embarrassing credit sequences of recent memory (“Ah-Ha! The Fat Man is dancing!”)

For a film that makes fun of the glossy overspending habits of the summer action film, it sure looks like one. It’s features some of the most expensive looking cinematography I’ve seen all year, the soundtrack is a slew of cliché tracks and the explosions explode BIG. If had never heard of it and caught five minutes of it on TV, I probably wouldn’t even know it’s a comedy. That’s a compliment, but an underhanded one, because at the end of the day Thunder fails at its promise to bite the hand that feeds it.

American Zombie (USA. 2007)

The zombie genre is dead.

It pains me to say this, as it was those friendly flesh eating dead (Specifically the masterwork that is Dawn of the Dead ’78) that got me into my cinematic stupor in the first place. After countless Hollywood blockbusters and an entire cemetery of crappy independent atrocities we can official give those decomposing husks a rest. It’s a good thing that the new mockumentary American Zombie ditches all of the ‘rules’ and makes up its own take on the recently re-alived.

Most of the zombies in ‘American Zombie’ are functioning members of society. They’re just a little pale, rotting and infectious, nothing to get worried about right? That’s exactly what filmmakers Grace Lee and John Jarvis set out to figure out. Grace is a professional documentarian with a slew of awards under her belt. John is an amateur trauma center cameraman who wants to probe beneath the surface and find all of the zombie’s dirty secrets. They set out to make a documentary that follows the daily lives of few of these ‘zombies’ that live amongst us: There’s a directionless teenager that works at the convenience store, a funeral arranger who is desperate to figure out her past and a flighty nine to fiver who just wants to marry a human. They all get scrutinized under the lens and get to share their daily lives as John asks probing questions at every turn: “Do you eat human flesh?”, “Have you ever longed for the taste of brains?” John is certain there’s something else under the Zombie’s clean-cut façade and he’s sure he’ll be able to crack it.

As a mockumentary, the first half of the A-Zombie works splendidly. It’s not hard to realize that the zombies are a send up every marginalized that ever tried to make their voice heard. They don’t have identification, they don’t remember who they were in their past life and they can’t get any official documents. All they want to do is be recognized! All of the zombies that appear in front of the camera have their own little quirks and personalities and the details we glean, like the people obsessed with having sex with undead, are the little details we’d find in real documentaries. The problems arise in the films last third, when we go into completely unnecessary Blair Witch Territory. Everything before then has been chuckle worthy dry satire and we’re suddenly thrown into the “REAL HORROR OF THE ZOMBIES” and it just falls flat. People start acting complete out of character, sub-plots are dropped (Where’d the blue drug go?) to augment the ‘tension’, and it all reaches a dramatic conclusion that feels completely unearned. If it had stuck to its guns and continued the dissection and satire that took place in the first half maybe we’d have a winner on our hands. Instead, an ending ripped out of a completely different film leaves the viewer with a terrible after taste after a delicious main course…OF FLESH!

Sorry, couldn’t help myself.

Soul Searcher (UK. 2005)

Another Oldie but Goodie Review from the vault. Pardon our dust.

Everyone tries to over achieve, but in the end, it doesn't really matter how much blood, sweat, and heart attacks you waste...There will always be a point where you'll give one last gurgle and black out. Director Neil Oseman is the guy who'll use you as a step ladder. His sophomore effort in feature length filmmaking: Soul Searcher (Following ?The Beacon?), is a slam bang mixed story with some driven action. The stuff on display is the sweetest cinematic candy around. It even has the added bonus of having characters you can care about. No cavities here Mom!

Joe Fallow's life sucks. He works nights as a street-sweeper, hangs out in a café with his one and only friend, and is helplessly in love with the waitress Heather. Then one night he accidentally runs into Death. Literally. It seems that the 'Grim Reaper' is in need of an apprentice. Joe backs down at first: The job isn't a part time thing. He'd have to leave his mortal life behind. But seeing as he doesn't have much of one, he decides to take the job anyway. One short montage later and Joe is trained and ready. His job is composed of cutting the ?umbilical cords? off wandering spirits. By doing
so he lets them leave Earth and reach the afterlife. It's fluff work until one faithful night. Someone's trying to open the bridge to hell. If that person succeeds, the world will be plunged into another age of darkness. Can Joe bring his act together, get the girl, save the world, and have one last cappuccino?

Let's get the faults out of the way first. The film has a shaky start. The introductions to the main characters are a bit awkward and underdeveloped. Joe's decision to become a reaper is made much too quickly. The viewer never gets a chance to get connected with him before he leaves everything behind. It's only when the villain enters the piece that things start to heat up. The plot suddenly kicks into overdrive. Twists and revelations are thrown at the viewer left and right. A new character is introduced halfway that ups the action styling into a totally different area. Things start to pull into
focus and as quickly as you can say "Wow! That was cool." the film is already rocketing off to the next set piece. Even with all this, the dialogue stays fresh (If disappearing slightly in the last third). We believe that these characters could actually be having these problems. There's never a moment where you hopelessly cringe and go "Ow. That line hurt."

The actors all give admirable performances. Ray Bullock Jnr as Joe is a perfect everyman hero. His love interest Katrina Cooke overturns the usual stereotypes. She could easily have been a paper thin. Instead, she creates an intelligent woman who has difficulty making certain decisions. The role of the villain (A.J Nicol) and sidekick (Chris Hatherall) are average at best. They suffer from little screen time in the film's brisk 90 minutes.

Hollywood influence emanates from every frame. The camera has a life of its own. It moves restlessly without detracting what's happening on-screen. Neil uses only the best conventions and leaves the awful ones behind. The curse of shaky quick cut action scenes never rears its head. Every bout of martial arts is shot with wide angles and logical editing. It helps that the actors and choreographers know what they're doing. The only problem is the 'waiting to block a punch' syndrome that pops up occasionally. It happens so rarely that it becomes a meager nitpick at its worst. I'd also like to single out the ending that *spoiler* takes place on a moving train. It is pulled off brilliantly. The mix of miniatures, CGI and live action footage are blended together perfectly. The majors should start jotting down notes. Soul Searcher is a great movie. There's no denying it. It's a picture that has overcome its budget and delivered. The difference between this and say...El Mariachi is the fact that anyone can enjoy it. You don't have to hold the budget in consideration. All you have to do is sit back and bask in the fun. Hats off to Neil and his team!

Transsiberian (USA. 2008)

Russia is a scary place. Well, at least that’s what Brad Anderson latest film (After his “Christian Bale as a skeleton man “pseudo-horror flick The Machinist) wants me to believe. After staying in the vaults of the studio for what seems like forever, Transsiberian finally gets to see the harsh white glow of the day and we can see if this taunt thriller lives up to its Sundance buzz.

After a church funded humanitarian mission, regular joe Americans Roy (Woody Harrelson) and Jessie (Emily Mortimer) decide to take the famous Russian Transsiberian train before they head back home. They’re disappointed to discover that the famous ride is more “Metal coffin” then “Decadent mode of transportation”. On the train they meet Carlos (Eduardo Noriega) and Abby (Kate Mara )a couple of world travelers who have many tales to tell but a mysterious past to hide. It all starts friendly enough, but before the trip is over our regular American protagonists will have to deal with murder, drugs and a cutthroat Russian policeman (Ben Kingsley) if they ever want to see home again.

As a snobbish moviegoer it’s my knee jerk reaction to try to spot twists a mile away: “It was the DOG all along! He wore human puppet hands to use the telephone!” The fuzzy feeling that comes from being able to say “Ha. I saw THAT one coming!” is pathetic but something I will go through time and time again. I have to give it up to Transsiberian for not only keeping me surprised throughout it’s running time, but also doing it without ever going completely over the top (“It wasn’t the dog! It was MY EVIL TWIN!”) in an attempt to get one step ahead of the audience. There’s no genre re-writing on display here. It’s nothing more then simple thriller concept that is directed, acted and orchestrated to perfection. Woody Harellson is more sympathetic then ever as the slightly out of the loop Roy while Emily Mortimer puts on a tough face as the morally conflicted Jessie. Ben Kingsley brings his usual glower to his role, but it isn’t anything we haven’t seen from his camp before. The cinematography of the infinite snow covered Russian countryside is breathtaking. Brad Anderson points the camera in such subtle ways that it almost seems as if we’re intruding on the events going on in front of the lens. The slight shaky feel to every shot on paper reads as film school rubbish, but it works on screen as we play the role of the observer. At an hour and fifty minute it runs a little long for a story that should be brisk and compact (The ‘character building’ first half could have easily been trimmed) and the wrap it all up in a bow ending was a little difficult to swallow.

After further thought, maybe not ALL Russians are bad. There has to be good non-corrupt, friendly looking, Russians that won't torture me mercilessly right? Right?

Wes Craven's New Nightmare (USA. 1994)

Before Wes Craven completely destroyed straight faced horror with Scream, the forefather of the culturally loathed “nudge-nudge-wink-wink…This is a HORROR film and we know it!” sub-genre, he did the meta-commentary song and dance with “New Nightmare”, a last breath (or fresh gasp?) in the Nightmare On Elm Street Franchise. After two and half decent films in a seven film cycle people were finally ready to accept that the dream killer himself, Freddy Krueger, was good and buried. Freddy had started as a frightening figure in the classic first film but had quickly turned into nothing more than a goofy one-liner spouting buffoon by the time they closed the coffin lid. The decision to mine the depth of a long rotten corpse was a ballsy one, but Wes Craven wasn’t stupid and he approached the seventh entry (and only his second directorial tour of duty within the franchise) by looking beyond the frame of the first film and giving us something we’d never expect: What if Freddy started haunting the actual cast members of the first Elm Street film?

Heather Langenkamp plays herself, a slightly washed out actor trying to raise her eight year old son. Lately she’s being plagued by nightmares involving Krueger and her nerves aren’t calmed by the fact that her son is acting very odd. He keeps quoting Nightmare on Elm Street even though he’s never seen the film. It wouldn’t be so worrisome if it weren’t for the fact that Wes Craven has suddenly got the idea to write a new nightmare scrip. Could this be the cause of all her problems? Could it be that Freddy somehow jumped off the page and is haunting the real world?

Conceptually, I love the idea of a New Nightmare: A fictional creation attacks the creators. It’s an age old chestnut but one that was never done on this kind of scale (A popular horror franchise) Almost all the actors from the first film return and do great in their parts as themselves. Even a few non actors (New Line head Bob Shaye and Wes Craven himself) put the acting hat on and add an interesting reality to the on-screen theatrics. The film only started to fail me when it never delivered on its creative premise. "New Nightmare" from the get-go promised to be “Darker and Scarier” and that’s fine, but even when you deliver something scaled back, it still has to be captivating. Other than the “Actors playing themselves” gimmick the film really has nothing much going for it. The nightmares are idea free and mostly feature slight rehashes from the first film. The goobledeegook that explains the “real Freddy” comes out of absolutely nowhere. Freddy himself looks more rubbier then ever and every time his latex face popped onto screen I was pulled me completely out of it. The ending is probably the worst offender. It takes place in a lame-o location, leaves a dozen threads dangling and ends everything with a whimper. It almost feels they ran out of money and threw something together at the last minute. New Nightmare is the hardest kind of films to watch: They had a fantastic idea and did nothing but a competent job with it.

(COMIC BOOK) Scud: The Disposable Assasin (USA)

I’m going to take a little break from the frantic film slobbering and tackle A COMIC BOOK today! Have you heard of these before? They’re pictures and words that run in a sequential order to make up an entire story. It’s all the rage these days. The title out of the box for this review in particular is the blast of fun to the face entitled SCUD: THE DISPOSABLE ASSASIN. The series has only recently been released in one volume and it’s the first time the entire story has been collected after being out of print for a painfull eight years. It’s the action, comedy, science fiction, horror funny-book you would love to make if you weren’t completely lazy and untalented. Sorry, not you, I mean the other guy...the one with the hat.

SCUD is a vending machine assassin that is efficient, tough and witty. It's also helpful because explode after the termination of their designated target. The story begins with a lowly executive hiring a SCUD to kill a pesky problem. The pesky problem is actually an abomination of science named Jeff and it aint’ going down without a fight. After a frenetic action scene the Scud finds itself in a bathroom where it spots the marking on its back ‘THIS UNIT WILL SELF DESTRUCT AFTER TERMINATING ITS TARGET.”. Thinking fast, the SCUD blows the creatures arms and legs off and puts it into the nearest hospital’s critical care ward. As long as the Jeff is alive, Scud lives, but keeping it in Intensive Care doesn’t come cheap. Scud has to become an assassin for hire and he’ll do anything to keep himself alive. That includes flying to the moon, getting into John Woo gunplay on a daily basis, going mad and thinking he’s Jesus (WITH A LASER GUN!) and finding his one troubled Robot obsessed lover. Ain’t life grand?

My vision is probably skewed slightly from falling in love with that rascally Yellow Robot assassin from a young age (after only reading one issue) but after plowing through the whole eight hundred page tome, I can admit without an inch of doubt that this is one of the most creative and exhilarating reads I’ve ever had in a long time. You could argue “Well Mr.Decloux, you are an odd duck indeed! Don’t you like, violent, things?” so I’ll paint a multi-colored picture and let you make up your mind. Here are a few storylines you’ll find squished between the nifty covers:

- The Cyborg Mafia fending off an army of Zombie Dinosaurs controlled by Voodo Benjamin Franklin. After a frantic gun battle in a high rise building our heroes jump into a giant robot (With a giant sword!) for a little undead slice and dice.

- A toughest tough guy competition that has anti-gravity bullfighting (Featuring a bull with chainsaws for horns and rockets for hooves), Lava Hockey and Construction Crane death matches.

- An Evil Astronaut Werewolf that turns into giant sentient Evil Werewolf Black Hole

- The finale involves our hero being hired by three renegade angels (Who have God in Chains) to assassinate the entire world if he wants to see the woman he loves. If he doesn’t, it’ll all be over. There’s no heaven for robots.

Sadly, crazy off the wall concepts do not necessarily spell success, so it’s a good thing that Writer/Artist Rob Schrab brings his incredible A-Game to the table with crazy clever cinematic visuals and an almost unreal sense of action movie timing. Off the top of my head I can’t name another comic book this year that had me sporting such massive grin during its entire run. I read this bad boy in one entire sitting and I never felt the need for it to wrap up. Sure, his first issue is a little rough around the edges, but it’s smooth sailing from then on out. Characters and dialogue aren’t Shrab’s strength (Unless you count one liner pop culture references as dialogue) but in the long run it’s like a warm familiar blanket in the fabric of the rest of his whacky universe. His mix of cartoony characters with a hint of realism creeping in is crisply original and only gets better as the issues run on. The fact that they packaged the whole sheebang in one volume is pure brilliance. It’s easy to see the fun “I’m making a comic book vibe!” that began the series morph into the more depressing mood the book took on as the author’s life got into the way. The final four issues (Published EIGHT YEARS LATER) are a breath of fresh air after the dour final ‘98 issues. Everything gets wrapped up in an increasingly satisfying way without ever disappointing in the creativity department. Schrab has only got better over the years and has ironed out a lot of the chaos that sometimes cluttered the page in his earlier work. I hope to all that is four-colred that we get more comics from the man in the near future! Until then, we have Scud, and dont' believe the side of the box, this is anything but disposable.

Sleepless (Italy. 2001)

Sleepless is director’s Dario Argento’s desperate attempt to emulate the success of his golden age giallos (Murder mysteries with heavy slasher elements) of the days gone of youre. The man has a slew of classic genre films under his belt with such stand-outs as “The Birds with the Crystal Plumage” and “Deep Red” but by this point he hadn't had a hit for years. Most fans had accepted that Argento had completely lost it after his soft edged adaption of “Phantom of the Opera” and Argento was desperate to prove himself. He promised his next picture would be “Going back to the bloody days!” but most where sceptical to say the least. The oeuvre of Argento has always been a mix of intoxicating visuals wedged between nonsensical plotlines and characters. The director is completely uninterested in engaging the viewer at a narrative level. He’s much more interested at jarring them out of their cinematic stupor with little bursts of camera acrobatics and realistically impossible but mesmerizing compositions. His masterpiece is without a doubt the fever dream that is Suspiria, but that only worked because the entire inner universe of that film was unreal. The film never attempted to relate itself to the world as we know it. His giallo’s have a more difficult time because they set their sandbox up in the modern world and when shit hits the fans it’s laughable when held up against our day to day lives. If a whole film is made up of garish primal colors then we accept it as normal. If there’s garish colors every twenty minutes it sticks out like a sore thumb. Would Argento be able to hit the balance he did over twenty years ago once again after so many duds?

Max Von Sydow must have hit hard times to star in this film and that’s actually a good thing. He brings an A Game to the forefront and his presence is physically missed every time we’re forced to endure the loose lips of dubbed Italian Actors going through the motions. The plot surprisingly resembles his first three straight giallo films instead of his more experimental later work. The whole mystery revolves around a Nursery Rhyme that actually makes logical sense in the narrative. The editing, sadly, hasn’t improved from his last few works. Characters drop in and out without rhyme or reason and only slowly start to form their solid place by mid-way. It’s confusing for absolutely no reason. That could have been the intention from the start, but it just comes off as lazy. The pacing suffers from the usual problems and we’re stuck with a slight case of “Go – Stop – Stop –Stop – Go – Go – Stop- editing scheme. The murders themselves are literally cliff note versions of Argento’s past work: P.O.V shots, black gloves, lengthy demises and a GOBLIN backing it all up with an evocative (yet slightly out of place) metal-ish score. If it weren’t for the canned sound effects straight off a 5$ CD I’d even rate some of them as career best. The man doesn’t let us down when it comes to directorial flourishes either, with a breath-taking Opera set tracking shot being the films stand out set piece.

All we can do is hope that Argento (at this point of his career) hits on HIS cylinder when he makes a film, which has its own internal set of rules. Come for the eye candy and fast forward through everything else. Sleepless is perfect for people who want a taste of Argento’s work but are put off with the less technically adept flights of fancy of his earlier films. This is no “Bird with a Crystal Plumage” but we’ll never get that again, so we might as well enjoy this while it lasts.

Almost Famous (USA. 2000)

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m easily creatively sparked. Give me a song and I’ll want to hit the keyboard. Throw me a book and I’ll start scribbling my first chapter. Cinema is even more severe. Some films make me want to emulate them, other films I want to better, and then sometimes, there’s that one piece of work that deals with the art of creating and the art of loving what you write/work/obsess over that just puts my ass in gear. Almost Famous is one of those movies.

As a young child William Miller (Patrick Figit) watched his sister (Zooey Deschanel) leave home after her mother (Frances Mcdormand) cared about her to the point of smothering. She leaves with one parting phrase to her younger sibling “One day, you’ll be cool.” Four years later William is fifteen years old, the youngest of his graduating class and in love with Rock’N Roll. His one passion is musical journalism and when the chance comes up to cover the up and coming band Still Water as they tour the states, he can’t in his right mind turn it down. His mother meekly agrees after he promis that nothing will happen, but not even William is ready for all the internal band struggles, the crazy life on the road and a mysterious groupie named Penny Lane. And he can’t finish the damn article! William finds him tackling the fact that he’s becoming friend with lead guitarist Russel (Billy Crudup) and the fact that he has a truthful article to write for Rolling Stones. It doesn’t help that Billy’s fallen for Penny and Penny’s fallen for Russel. Things are definelty going to get complicated for this fifteen year old kid.

I saw AF over five years ago on VHS in a crowded room of teenager. No one liked it. They didn’t find it funny, they found long and they didn’t get the period. I can’t honestly say I completely bought it either, but even it stirred the fires in my belly. I was left enough lingering “I remember that was a good movie!” memories to warrant the purchase of the new fangled (and now out of print) “BOOTLEG” cut. Roughly forty five minutes are re-inserted into the theatrical film and it makes all the difference. The relatively bullet straight plot is given room to breathe and move. The band is expanded on (Yet still remain caricatures in some respects, but that’s the point), we see more of William’s past home life and Penny becomes more of a fleshed character instead of the fortune cookie spouting placeholder she was before. It may feel a little long at points but I never thought that anything was self indulgent in the slightest. We’re allowed to really feel the love that director/writer Crowe has for the era and the music that stemmed from it. Patrick Fugit as the relatively subdued young journalist creates such a sympathetic character that I’m absolutely surprised he never went on to a bigger career. That fact that the events on screen are supposedly a semi-true compilation of all the adventures a young journalist Crowe experienced while touring with bands, make it feel that much more real. Almost Famous is about a lot of things at the end of the day: Friendship, the price of fame and how the love for something labelled by most of the world as “disposable entertainment you do when there’s nothing else to do” can drive your life. I especially know about that last one. That’s the reason I’m doing this!

NOTE: Once again, the BOOTLEG cut is the only way to go. Be careful because most of the copies out there now are of the theatrical variety, which isn’t horrible by any means, but it feels more like an appetizer instead of a full meal.

The New Barbarians (Italy. 1982)

You’d think that the end of the world would be perfect for hundreds of creative new beginnings. You’d be wrong. Cinema has proven time and time again that the nuclear apocalypse a few things: A harsh desert landscape, the death of fashion coupled with the rise of casual bondage gear and people riding around in impractical armed vehicles. It doesn’t make any sense to have a giant drill on the front of your car, but the rest of the gang will laugh if you don’t! Road Warrior did it right. Everyone else failed miserably. The New Barbarians fails a little less then most. That's a bad thing.

It’s 2019 (A very popular year for the world to go kablooee) and the world is dead. The few survivors survive off what little is left and live in constant fear of “The Templars”, a roving gang of pro-death Christian motocross ridding ruffians are driving around and slaying everyone in their path because God has told their leader all humanity must die! God also seems to order them to wear immaculately white uniforms which must be bitch to keep clean in, you know, the arid wasteland they drive around in. A lone unenthusiastic man wanders the wild doing good deeds. He’s helped every now and then by Fred Williamson (with a bow) and a 10 year old blond mechanic (The Kid from House by the Cemetery) who wields a magic killer sling-shot. He saves a woman. They save people. Thee film ends at some point.

Enzo G. Castellari (Director of the fantastically fun Non-Tarantino Inglorious Bastards) seems to have a general idea of what he’s supposed to do. All of the car crashes (The same three cars over and over again that is), lasers that cause people’s head to explode, man on man anal action scene (Yep. You read that right) are done in a relatively competent fashion. It’s cheap, but what the hell did you expect? This is Italy in the 80’s! You should count your lucky stars that most of the shots are in focus. The director even tries to spice things up a bit with a slew of slow motion Peckinpah style editing. If it wasn’t for the sluggish pace you could even call this would be easily qualified as "So bad, it's good" . No one ever expects to laugh with these types of films. They want to laugh at them. In that case, this is okay picking for Trash Crap fans. Where else does our dour faced completely uncharismatic hero face the final baddie in a see through plastic body armour? I never found it got crazy enough to completely let my jaw fall down in awe at the madness me nor did it ever actually get good. It toed the middle line and never took that step back or the step forward. A shame really, but Enzo got it right with his other Nuclear Actioner Bronx Warriors, so you check that one out instead.

PH. D inhales Pineapple Express (2008)

As soon as I caught a glimpse of "Krull" (1983) playing in the background of this film, I knew I would be this movie's bitch for the next hour and a half. And I was.

The story follows a pot-smoking dude called Dale (Rogen) and his pot dealer Saul (Franco) who get way over their heads once Dale witnesses a gang murder and leaves behind a bud of ultra-rare dope which leads all sorts of nasty hitmen and thugs straight to him.

The rambunctious Appatow gang (Directed by David Gordon Green) has managed to strike gold once again. Their signature, top-notch, lightning fast witty banter is this time coupled with over-the-top action and violence, to marvelous effect. It's great how even the more villainous characters are fleshed out with little bits of humanity. Two of the more brutal thugs in the story actually had me sympathizing with them, by the end, despite their brutal ways. Seth Rogen and Even Goldberg have truly crafted a great script, balancing the needs of the story with the usual hilarious non-sequiturs and biting verbal intercourse.

Rogen is his typical bass-belly-laughing chill guy, the kind of guy you'd love to hang around with. James Franco is the lonely, mild-mannered drug dealer. Needless to say, they get into all kinds of shennanigans, and Red (Danny McBride) is introduced to their posse halfway through the movie. McBride is easily the highlight of the movie, and takes major part in a brawl halfway through that is as violent as it is funny.

I'll add more later, perhaps, on a second viewing. I was too busy laughing half the time to catch all the great one-liners.

"Huh, Krull!"

Demons (Italy. 1985)

Always planned as a second rate picture by producer Dario Argento and directed by the strictly pedestrian director Lamberto Bava (Son of Mario, he later went on to a TV only direct), Demons exploded on the international market (Thanks to a surprisingly strong metal soundtrack line-up) and became a first rate one for all the wrong (Or right in your opinion) reasons. It holds a special place in my heart as one of the many horror film I rented right on a crappy R rated barely watchable VHS, but even with nostalgia tugging at my heartstrings, I’m still aware this film is pure undiluted trash.

A generic young woman riding the subway gets jumped by a man (Michelle Soavi, director of CEMETERY MAN!) in an odd metal Phantom of The Opera mask, who gives her tickets to an unnamed film that’s playing at a new cinema downtown. She heads over with a friend and they sit down with roughly fifty people to watch what ends up being a generic gory horror film. One of the audience members (A hooker accompanied by her jive talking pimp!) scratches her face on an ornate mask in the theatre’s lobby and before you know it she’s turned into a demon and is tearing people’s throat out left and right! The doors are barred, the demons are multiplying and our heroes are horribly dubbed. No one will survive the night! While all this happens, there’s also a gang of punks driving around doing cocaine off naked breasts. They have nothing to do with main plot. I’m not joking.

I’d like to think that Demons doesn’t believe for a second that it’s actually a good movie. It gives me a little more faith in humanity. It’s plot less, illogical and workmanlike directed. The whole thing is pretty indicative of the majority of quickie films pumped out in Italy during the 80’s. The whole thing only sticks out because of the abundance of latexy effects and a willingness to give us shameless gore. It’s all played pretty straight faced so that even adds extra oomph to the insanity! There’s no sly winking to the audience because they actually want to scare you. Aw. If only all filmmakers where as hopelessly naïve as they are here, before post-modernism horror flicks became the norm. Don’t try to make sense of what’s going on. Where are all the demons coming from? Why doesn’t the projectionist know anything? What’s behind the wall that drove everyone insane? NO! You must fight logic with every fiber of your body. You should just let yourself go and accepts things like only peripheral characters turn into demons (or if the plot needs it) and helicopters falls from the sky all the time. It’s a fun little blast of old-school fun that’s a minor note in the history books but unavoidably fun at the same time. Everything past the scene where a man jumps on a motorcycle, grabs a samurai sword and slices demon ass is worth the price of a rental.