Nothingess

Where’d all the fireworks go?

My plan was always going to be that I update this site with a movie review a day till the cows came home, called it a day, and took a nice long nap. I’d make my fame and fortune off the spoils of my brilliant literary wit and criticism skill.

Then…*dramatic thunder-clap* It all went wrong.

I started school full-time. I got a part time job working at a library. I became the promotions manager at the Bloor Cinema in Toronto. The reviews started coming out in fits. My writing started to become tedious and repetitive (Some would argue it was always that way). I was beginning to feel like I was filling in mad-libs sheets.

It was over.

Will the glory days of Film Junkies ever be back with vengeance? Hard to say. For all intents and purposes I LOVE to write about film and I don’t’ seem shutting about it anytime soon, so there’s always that dangling carrot. If you live in Toronto, you’ve lucked out on the best hand possible, because you’ll be able to suffer through my on-stage introductions to all the retro and cultish films at The Bloor Cinema. I’ll be also be organizing together a film group to discuss cinematic geekery once a week in association with the theater.

Everyone else...Uh…I’d recommend checking this site out maybe twice a months for scattered updates, but forget about it being daily or even weekly, it just isn’t going to happen. Well, unless you’re an eccentric millionaire who wants to pay my way through life, call me, we'll iron out the details.

Toronto After Dark Day 5

Netherbeast Incorporated (USA. 2007)



Expanded from an award winning short film (which happens to be re-created in the first scene) Nether beast Incorporated deals with the repercussions that come about when a CEO gets amnesia and forgets that the entire office is made up of vampires (Him included). From a funny premise we get a slightly funny movie that starts off strong and quickly loses its way when it attempts to take its premise seriously and squeeze a little drama. They accidentally squeeze out the fun instead. The cast is filled with B-list stars (Dave Foley, Jason Mewes, Darrell Hammond) that can be nothing more of a presence because they aren’t given any material to work with. The ending fails miserably, with completely melodramatic plot twists, a piss poor sound design and a coda that goes on way past its welcome. The first scene is the funniest thing and that's a bad sign when it's a shot-for-shot remake of the short film the entire thing is based on.



Who is K.K Downey? (CANADA. 2008)


Straight from Montreal, Quebec, Who is K.K Downey? is about two loser best friends that attempt to make it big by publishing a sordid tale of fiction called ‘Truck stop Hustler’ and pretending that it’s all true. One of them will pose as the author and the other one will be his ‘Manager’. Unexpectedly the book becomes a smash hit, things get out of hand, the good friend goes bad, and they realize that the price of fame isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. It’s not a new tale by any stretch of the imagination but the presentation of it all is fresh enough to keep you interested. The two leads (Darren Curtis and Matt Silver) are funny in small doses but start to wear out their welcome as the film reaches its conclusion. The satirical vein on the art scene is more playful then darkly comic which is a bit of shame. They poke the scene instead of ripping out it's guts like I hoped for. It's such an easy target that a more brutal take on it would have worked a little better. Still, it’s rare to see such a well put together film coming from our home and native land, so give it a watch even though it kind of runs itself dry before the end credits roll.

Toronto After Dark - Day 3

I ducked behind a garbage can and held my breath. Across the street I could see that Chris had gotten himself completely surrounded. He raised his weak little arms and begged for mercy. The horde didn’t hesitate. A zombie dressed as Ronald McDonald grabbed him by the head and an undead flesh eater dressed like a blushing bride with half her jaw ripped off, held his arms back. Chris tried to scream and all that slipped from his lips was a girlish little whimper “Help me Justin..." I looked away and didn't look back till the screaming stopped.

They ate his kidneys first. The joys of Zombie Walk Day.

The film of the day for me was the pseudo zombie-er Brain Dead. I went in with zero expectation and stepped out unsurprised. The plot is uninspired (A bunch of people get trapped in a cabin and are attacked by a couple of alien zombie type things), and the characters are either aggravating (The smart-ass hero) to annoying (The By-The-Books Butch Lesbian) with nothing in between. It's gives the audience a bad case of the "Why won't they all just die" decease. Kevin S. Tenney’s (of ‘Night of the Demons’ and ‘Witchboard’ fame) direction is pleasantly polished, but he still runs into some weird pacing problems that make the whole jaunt feel like it lasts three hours. If you’re in it for the fun gore, forget it, everything worthwhile was included in the trailer. Just go and watch that again.

Toronto After Dark - DAY 2

“I saved us some seats!”Chris in the tone of voice better suited for a ten year old kid showing his parents his A+ paper. I glanced around the empty theater and turned back to his grinning face. I half expected him to throw up a hand and go “HIGH-FIVE!”

You know the guy in line that’s hopping from foot to foot as if he needs to pee? You may arrive early every time and this is guy is always there first! That’s Chris.

I’m the hobo looking fellow slumped in his seat. I'm fighting a losing battle with his eyelids because I spent most of that morning dancing to techno beats with his fellow filmgoers. I’m also the poor sucker has a Philosophy paper that needs to be handed in first thing Monday morning.

Don’t worry. I’m watching movies instead. I have my priorities straight.

Idiots and Angels proved to be familiar stomping ground for bat-shit insane (And really nice guy) Director/Animator/Writer Bill Plympton: It has his grotesque caricatures of humanity, the crazy animated directorial touches and screaming (lots of screaming). After a lengthy break from feature filmmaking, Bill decides to scale back from his last two major works: ‘Mutant Aliens and the STILL unreleased (In North America) ‘Hair High’, and instead grab simple concept and run with it. In this case, it’s the story of an unlikable man being gifted with a pair of Angel Wings. There’s definite creativity on display here, but the smaller scale and a lack of laugh-out loud moments make it more of an interesting (and slightly un-engaging) animated experiment then a successful film.

The Chilean super-hero film Mirage Man does everything right. It’s not an outright comedy, nor is it a serious faced commentary on the genre. It’s a simple story with a solid emotional core, a sly sense of humor and proves to be another step forward (After the unwieldy Kiltro) toward action stardom for star Mark Zardoz. Its action is quotient is high, but mostly composed of people getting hit in the face and falling hard on cement.

The third film of the night was the sold-out screening of REPO: THE GENETIC OPERA. I reviewed it already HERE, but after a second viewing, I can confidently state it holds up even better. I kept my opinions in check this time, let the music roll over me, and really got hooked. I didn’t realize till now that the ENTIRE FILM is music. The only parts that aren’t sung are a handful of phone calls. The screenwriter/grave robber said they have three discs of music ready to release! The film opens in Toronto on November 21’st.

The last film DONKEY PUNCH dealt with a bunch of beautiful rich people doing stupid things on a boat and then paying for their stupid mistakes in grizzly ways. The film wasn’t boring, it had a mean streak a mile long and the cast did a good job it they were trying to get me to hate all of them. Character motivations are all over the place (At one moment two people will want each other dead and then the next they’ll be speaking casually) and the ending is abrupt in a way that makes you go “But the character could just…Aw…Never mind.”

After Dark: DAY 1 - Let The Right One In

DAY 1

The Narrator (Justin Decloux) – He smells faintly of garlic. His hair isn’t combed. He’ll stare at you with a glazed expression and speak only references to pre-season 10 episodes of The Simpsons. Stay clear.

Christian Murdoch –A Fanatic Film Fan. He’s the narrator’s go-to guy for help assassinating zombies. He can crush a man’s skull into the form of a diamond. He would make an ideal husband.

Madison Parker- Festival Virgin and Female Perspective on Male Idiocy. She will woo you with her boundless charm.

Adam Lopez – Head Programmer, Manager and all around maestro of the After Dark Film Festival. The few who have felt his wrath have been stricken from history books. Mortal eyes shall wither and burn if they ever cross his form.

Dobblar the Gopher– An Evil Gopher who does Evil Things. Sneaky. Don't eat any of his candy.

“What if they figure out I’m a fraud?” I whispered to Chris, my partner in crime, as we shuffled closer to the table where I was going to pick up my press pass. I wasn’t press. I was just a guy who couldn’t differentiate you and you’re. I was a bozo that scribbled rants about films I onlt half remembered seeing through a haze of highly illegal narcotics at 4:00 AM in a stranger's (He had a beard. I think) basement. I’ve only seen twelve films in my entire life. Everything else I make up as I go along.

“You’ll be fine. I’m the one that’s sweating.” Chris said. He was a few years shy of the mandatory viewing age and his charade of appearing older wore him down to a jangle of nerves.

“Don’t worry! I don’t think anyone will realizes you’re actually s—“ I said loud enough for all 1104 people in line to hear.

Chris signaled me to be quiet down by punching me in the throat. The suits could be listening. The whole operation could be blown. And if he was going to miss out on After Dark, the only highlight in his barren high-school existence, he would have my head on a pike. Then he would kill me. Slowly.

It was my second time at Toronto After Dark (Now in its third incarnation) and the feeling of something exra-special was in the air. The films were high-class (Snagging the soon to be cult Repo: The Genetic Opera was a coup), the presentation slicker then ever (It’s all about the glossy full color programs) and more ticket sales then they ever imagined possible promised rowdy crowds. I had somehow tricked the management into letting me attend as a member of the Press this year. My human sacrifice had finally paid off.

The film of the night was ‘Let One Right In’, a Swedish film about a bullied twelve year old boy who befriends a 12 year old looking girl that happens to have a taste for the red stuff. Yup, she’s a vampire.

‘Let the Right One In’ was the perfect picture start off the fest: Dramatic, featured a hint of genre without ever going over the top with it, and a foreign filmness to add to make the audience think 'I'm seeing something different' . It’s the kind of film that is easier to talk about then watch again. I found the performances spot on, the mood perfect, and the direction restrained. I don’t know if I’d rush out to see it again, mostly because of a painfully slow pace, but I wouldn't hesitate to recommend it.

For the first time ever, an After Dark screening was completely sold out. Not only that, but due to a processing error, 100 ticket holders had to be turned away at the door due to the theater being packed to capacity. Adam Lopez was sincerely sorry about it all, but you could tell that on the inside, he was happy as blood gorged vampire.

***

I stepped out into the cool 3 AM night air and took a deep breath. My friend Madison giggled. Behind us, the After Party continued to rock on. Someone was beating up the strings on a Viola.
“I’ve never been this drunk” Madison slurred through her trade marked grin “Do festivals always rock this much?"

"Only time will tell." I said in my best wise-man voice "But I think you got lucky with this one."

She agreed by breaking into a dance. A homeless man wearing a top-hat glanced in our direction and I could almost read his thoughts.

"Crazy film people."

And proud of it!

Toronto After Dark

The After Dark Film Festival is up and running and hitting the city with a slew of fantastic genre films. We've already been treated to flat out marvels ("Let the Right One In" and "Mirageman" to name a few) and the week only gets better from there on out.

On Monday you have a hard-edged (and undoubtedly nauseatingly ultra-violent) film Red, based on a Novel by Jack Ketchum. Following that is the Asian Shocker Omnibus film "4Bia." I had a chance to see the latter at Fantasia this year and if you like your slices of horror creepalicious and filled with seat-flying moments, this is the one for you.

On Tuesday, you get the rip-roaring horror comedy "Netherbeast Incorporated" and the Montreal based soon to be cult comic extravaganza "Who is K.K Downey?"

Check out complete listing at TORONTOAFTERDARK.COM. I'll be updating in a few days with some reviews, ramblings and akwardly personal journal entries of my time at the fest. If you spot me (Green Press Pass, Black Hair, Glasses, Extremely Loud) feel free to shout out my name and I'll happily wander over to chat.

City of Ember (USA. 2008)

WATCH THE TRAILER HERE

Imaginatively designed and directed with a sure-hand by sophomore filmmaker Gil Kenan (Monster House), ‘City of Ember’ has all the makings of a solid kid's film but misses two key ingredients: Excitement and Conflict. It’s a fancy box that ends up containing nothing but wispy air.

After a stylish opening, we’re introduced to a city in dire peril. In the future, all humans live underground and rely on a giant generator for light. That generator is about to break down forever and everyone is in a complete state of denial. Two teenagers, a girl and a boy, are the only ones that can save the day.

‘City of Ember’ held promise. It had a interesting story, a director with a near-classic film under his belt and a a healthy budget to bring the original novel to life. I expected a children-led adventure filled with shocking conspiracies, fantastical monsters and hair-raising adventure. Not quite. Imagine an introduction stretched to a feature length running time. You keep expecting things to burst into action and they never do.

The acting is filled with ‘Hey! It’s that Guy/That Gal From That Thing!’ roles and the two leads are very casual. We even get Bill Murray taking on his first full role (After a slew of tiny cameos and voice work on *shudder* Garfield) in a while. Don’t be surprised to find the same old deadpan Murray without any Ghostbusters or Groundhog Day flair.

Don’t go in thinking this is a kids-on-a-mission films. It’s not. It’s a ‘Kids wander about and stumble onto things’ film. It has potential and completely wastes it. Questions like “Why can’t they go into the darkness?” and “Why are the bugs so big”, “What’s the deal with the blind religious faith that follows the “Builders”?” are brought up and quickly forgotten. There are a few hints of bigger things (A very well rendered giant monster thing) but they tease and never deliver. Even the climax of the film is underwhelming. There’s no reveal, build-up or pay-off. The film simply reaches a conclusion everyone over five knows it’s going to reach.

There’s nothing strictly wrong with ‘City of Ember’. It’s just a workmanlike experience with very little spark. The adults will notice the superb craft of it all and the kids will wish the its boringness was over.

Dance of the Dead (USA. 2008)

WATCH THE TRAILER HERE

Everyone loves zombies. Your friend loves zombies, your little brother loves zombies and even your ‘too cool to be hip’ grandmother loves those brain munching rascallians. It's gotten to the point that they're lumbering pop-culture jokes. It doesn't help that every first time director wants to create a masterpiece with the 'Z' word right out the gate. The recipe seems so easy: Splatter everything in the red stuff, make people scream and flail their arms and add lots of smash zooms. Instant Cult Classic!? More like a hopelessly contrived mess (Like my writing!) that is trying so hard that it reminds you of that annoying kid who thought that being loud = being funny.

(Hey! I was that kid!)

I wouldn’t have given Dance of the Dead a second though if it weren’t for the Director Gregg Bishop. A few years back he was the mastermind behind the ultra- low budget (It only cost fifteen thousand!) action spectacular ‘The Other Side’ Now armed with a slightly higher cash-roll, he easily dodges the contagious bite of the sophomore slump. While ‘Dance of the Dead’ doesn’t do anything new, just remember the universal rule of storytelling: It's not about what you create out of thin air (The zombie can fly! And shoot fire from their fingertips! And juggle!). It's the journey that matters. 'Dance of the Dead' is all about the building blocks. The story follows a high-school characters that get attacked by an army of flesh eaters on the night of their prom. We’ve got the universal every-teen (Jared Kusnitz), his best friend who’s in love with the unreachable cheerleader, the uni-teen’s flighty sorta girlfriend, a gang of nerds, the tough kid, crazy gym teacher and a few other disposable archetypes that are going to be ripped apart along the way. The story takes about twenty minutes to set up before jumping into high gear with a fantastic ‘Zombies jumping out of their graves as if shot out of a cannon’ sequence that is jaw-dropping in scope. The nuclear-powered zombies in this world are a little ill defined so you’ll have to leave your common sense at the door. They can drive cars, move super fast (Thanks to the magic of frame cutting), and are hypnotized by Metal Music. Purists may balk, but it’s their loss, because we I haven’t seen something as consistently enjoyable as DoD in a blue moon.

The acting ranges from passable to believable (All teens were actually teens. Now that’s innovative) and it was a smart choice to skim lightly on the serious side of things ("He got bit. Isn't he going to change in a zombie any second now?") and stick closely to the ‘It’s a Freaking Fun Zombie Film!” motto. It gets top marks in the 'Audience Pleasing Cult Classic 101' category.

The gore in Dead is strictly of the splatstick variety and is consistently gleeful in squishing heads and ripping spines. Only the ending disappoints in its inability to deliver the balls to the wall climax the inner gore hound craved. The characters are like able, the situations wild and the directorial flourishes innovative without being to distracting. Gregg Bishop is obviously a film fan and I can only imagine the wonders he could paint if he was more expensive paintbrushes and a completely original premise.

Babylon A.D (USA. 2008)

WATCH THE TRAILER HERE

Mr. Kassovitz, what happened? You wowed us all with the flat-out monumental film ‘La Haine’ in 1995 (Available on DVD in North America from CRITERION) and then…You decide to live a creative life of mediocrity. You directed a passable French thriller (Crimson Rivers), a sub-par Hollywood Horror fest (Gothika) and now you give us a second tier Vin Diesal actionner? Did you have a run in with a vampire that sucked every single drop of talent that once flowed strong through your veins?

In a sad global warming stricken future, Vin Diesel stars as a mercenary hired to transport a young girl (The multi-accented Mélanie Thierry) and her teacher (Michelle Yeoh) across numerous European countries. For comparisons sake, take all the over the top fun of ‘Chronicles of Riddick’, throw it to the side, cast an exhausted Vin Diesel (The guy can barely keep his eyes open here) and bring it all come as a terrible bore. Babylon A.D fails at everything it sets out to do. The action scenes are sloppy and confusing. The science-fiction elements are underdeveloped to the point of being nothing more than pretty set dressings. The closest things to characterizations are people saying things ‘she take of herself’A.K.A The Chinese woman is going to break out the kung-fu. Mathieu Kassovitz has shown time and time again that he can shoot a isually creative film. Sadly, you can only polish a turd so many ways.

When the director is quoted as saying "I'm very unhappy with the film. I never had a chance to do one scene the way it was written or the way I wanted it to be. The script wasn't respected. Bad producers, bad partners, it was a terrible experience." The idea gets across pretty clearly. It doesn’t’ take a super-short movie review to get the idea cross that this is nothing more than a waste of time.

Feast 2: Sloppy Second (USA. 2008)

WATCH THE TRAILER HERE

FADE TO: I popped the original FEAST into the DVD player to the delight of all the people in the room. They gazed on in semi-bleary fashion. It took about twenty minutes before someone spoke.

“Why are we watching this?” he asked as a woman had a monster penis jammed down her throat, “This has no point.”

“You don’t understand!” I screamed “This is a solid mix of comedy, horror and splatter! You guys are SO WRONG!” And then I was sullen for AT LEAST ten minutes. We never spoke again.

Jump forward two years and change: The original director (John Gulager), the writers and some of the cast are back with FEAST 2: SLOPPY SECOND.

I take back my hissy fit. My friends must have seen into a future-television and instead of watching the pretty solid first film that night, they must have been seeing this film instead. It all makes sense now!

Picking up right after the first film ended, Sloppy Seconds attempts to up everything that people liked about the first film by making everything bigger. They fail miserably. Instead of a wink-and-a –nod cast of slightly self aware horror architects we get a massive cast of characters we could care less for. The Biker Chick (The Director’s Wife) from the first one returns (Well, her sister does at least), the director’s father is back for no reason (Paycheck!) and there’s some Mexican wrestling midgets (None of them are the related to the director. To my knowledge) that don’t do much! It’s a lot less fun then it sounds. Imagine all those characters on a badly green screened roof set. Then they do nothing. You’ve created your own version of FEAST 2!

They all head off into town to meet with a bunch of unmemorable actors and they – you know – I’m not quite sure what the story of this film was. They kind of hang around on a roof and try to get into a prison. That’s about it. The seemingly cool monsters are pushed into broad daylight and are completely rob them of any of the mystique they once had. The gore is an even sadder affair. Almost no one dies in the film (Even though the cast is massive) and the gore arrives few and far between. There are a few absolutely tasteless gags involving grand-mothers and babies but it couldn’t save the train-wreck. I can’t forgive a film that delivers most of its splatter in a CGI fashion. Doesn’t the creative team know abt better? And if you’re telling yourself that they’re saving it for the climax, forget it, the second the shit really hits the fans we cut away and the credits roll. WHAT THE HELL!? Are they saving it all for the film they shot back-to-back with this one, FEAST 3: HAPPY FINISH? Maybe this is all a joke and the third film will explain it for the people slow in the audience, namely, me.

I want to end this review with a pun on the title SLOPPY SECOND. I won’t do it. I’m a better person then that.

Perhaps Love (HONG KONG. 2005)

WATCH THE TRAILER HERE

Out of all the genres that could pop out of the current wasteland that was once the Hong film industry, I never expected a big-budget musical to lead the pack. Especially when Director/Co-Writer Peter Chan (Famous for a bunch of mid 90’s Romantic Dramas and the president of one of the bigger HK production companies) has gone on record saying that he hates the genre.

Hmmmmmm.

Takeshi Kashaniro stars as Lin, a movie-star starring in a big budget musical directed by famed auteur Nie Wen (Jackie Cheung). It would be nothing more than another gig if it weren’t for the fact that his female co-star (Zhou Xu) is the love of his life (from a decade ago) that broke his heart. Things get even more complicated when you factor in that she’s currently romantically entangled with Nie Wen. I see tragedy and romance set to song in the near future! If you play your cars right, there may even be DANCING!

With cinematography by Peter Pau (All of the Shanghai scenes/the musical numbers) and Christopher Doyle (Everything set in Beijing) I never expected the visual to be anything less than breathtaking. I wasn’t disappointed.. I’m also glad to see Popstar/Actor Jackie Cheung finally appear in front of the cameras again after what feels like a eight year sabbatical. The rest of the cast do a great job at being pretty (Will Takeshi Kashaniro ever age?) and they perform pretty enthusiastically when the film gives them a chance too.

It's a shame they don't get very many chances.

Musicals are constructed to evoke broad emotions. Joy! Happiness! Sadness! All of those eventually lead to the big one: “Love” ‘Perhaps Love’ has the skeleton of the story but it forgets a very important building block: Actually caring for the characters. Everyone in this film is bitter, broken or completely alienated from the world. Even in the flashbacks, the two main characters budding romance held very little joy for either them. You have no one to root for (unless you’re picking the most handsome) in a love triangle were everyone is miserable. Factor in the fact that these people all have pretty cushy lives and the sympathy meter takes an even deeper nose dive. They can’t express their emotions? Boo-Hoo.

The songs themselves are catchy and the numbers big and creative, if a little too quick cut to my taste. They just don’t fit in the film. It almost feels like the director didn’t trust he could keep the audience’s attention unless he keeps everything grounded and ‘real’. We get it. Musicals are not real. People don’t burst into song when emotions are stirred within them. If you don’t like it, or it bugs you, then you don’t watch those films. It’s as simple as that. Don’t try to cheat your around it. Without the songs directly impacting any of the events on screen (they only mirror what we already know) it seems like a superlative addition to a simple romantic drama.

‘Perhaps Love’ is real in a depressing way and big in a hollow way. It’s pretty to look at, slightly memorable and it did sweep the HK Academy Awards in 2005, so maybe I’m just a speaking from a cold granite heart.

Sukiyaki Western Django

WATCH THE TRAILER HERE

More of exercise in aggressive style then an actual movie, Sukiyaki Western Django is fun sensatory candy and little else. Based (very loosely) on the Italian Django films series, the story follows a young Japanese Cowboy (Hideaki Ito ) who rides into a town and gets himself caught in between two gangs, the whites and the reds, that are after the town’s secret buried gold. Throw in a wronged woman seeking revenge, an old lady with a secret past, a terrible cameo from Quentin Tarantino and a slew oddball characters on the side-lines and you have yourself…a movie? Not really. For it’s international release, the film was cut from it’s extremely painful 138 minute running time down to a more easily digestible 95 minute one (Both will be available on the North American DVD release) the final Django product is breathy ride that is fun while it lasts, is filled with vivid visual flourishes (and swooping sound effects) ands is ultimately a hollow beast. The action arrives in short burst, is competently done, and unspectacular. The idea of having everyone in the film speak their dialogue in English phonetically makes for some hilarious line readings but gets old pretty quick. Don’t see it without Subtitles. I was disappointed that the concept of a Japanese/American Western was never fully utilized. Sure, some of the set design and costumes reflected the fact that the film took place in a weird pseudo-reality, yet, they never pulled out all the stops and created a complete culture clash.

(He’s only bitching because the Sword/Gun fights that we’re promised never really materialized)

Even with all of the negativity, I highly recommend the film for what it is. Nothing more.

Nine Souls (JAPAN. 2003)

Nine men escape from a Japanese prison and decide to stick together to hunt down the fabled treasure they heard about from a crazy cellmate. Can an elderly man that ran his son over with a car, a porn king midget, a socially retarded teenager that killed his father and a motorcycle gang delinquent get along? I haven’t even mentioned the other five troublemakers.

The first thought as the film jumped to life was: “I am never going to be able to figure out who is how! I’m DOOMED!” Thankfully, Director Toshiaki Toyoda (Blue Springs) never hits a false note. Things begin with a bang of furious motion, but then everything slowly eases into a precise structure that offers every character a chance to have their own story told. The direction is showy enough to be considered energetic, yet I never felt that the style was casting a dark shadow over the character interaction and development.

The acting is solid from everyone on board (Even the midget gets his chance to shine) and that helps the viewer swallow a mid-way tonal shift that is shocking in its ball-out twist. I was easily lulled by the first half’s slightly goofy treasure with all of its slapstick trimmings. Then a climactic event comes out of nowhere and changes everything. The second half is when redemption (or lack therefore) catches up and the protagonists are forced to confront the pasts they left behind. The decisions you make are going to stick around no matter how hard you try to ignore them. With that in mind, all of the narratives threads are brought too their logical (if sometimes dramatically numbing) conclusions. Nothing is left to chance and we get get to witness the end of everyone’s journey. Even the ambiguous final minute is only ambiguous if you’re a dye in the wool optimist. It’s a sobering journey that leaves a slight depressing taste in your mouth, which is masked by the prevailing sense of hope that makes the film as memorable as it is.

Sickee

Due to a terrible certain throat ache that's grabbed hold of my vocal chords, I won't be participatinging on the site for a couple of days as I get some rest. I'll be be back Monday-ish (hopefully) with tons of super awesome reviews!

2001: A Space Odysee (USA. 1968)

WATCH THE TRAILER HERE

People sometimes ask me (in a 'parent scolding a naughty child' tone of voice):

“Why don’t you review films I’ve HEARD about? I don’t want to read a review for something that I’ll NEVER see.”

I do critique films that get released in cinemas every now and then, but most of the time my write-ups are a helter skelter mix of foreign oddities and bargain bin stinkers. I rarely (sometimes on a blue moon) review something that everyone's heard of. There's a very specific reason why I do that...

I have absolutely nothing to say that hasn’t been ten million before.

I saw 2001: A Space Odyssey for the first time today. I could tell you that the pace is glacial, the visuals breathtaking and the last act confounding on a narrative level, yet, enveloping on a purely artistic one. Even though I had never seen the film before, it’s so engrained in our pop-culture that I knew exactly what was coming before it popped on screen. I liked it.

This person also has an opinion

Another Opinion

Look Ma! It never stops! This one is made them fancy picture things!

They're all ten times more precise and thought provoking anything I could ever sling together. It's out out there. I don't need to add my poorly phrased praise onto the pile.

***
I want this site to be a gate-way to whole new cinematic world. I want to try my best to avoid treading over the same old ground that’s already been stomped to bits. If a mildly retarded 20 year old who’s name rhymes with “Ustin” can find a copy, a smart and good looking person like yourself should have no problem getting your hands on a copy! Start searching. Take chances. Be a Film Junkie!

Coming up next: My Review of Star Wars IV: A New Hope!

The Foot Fist Way (USA. 2007)

WATCH THE TRAILER HERE

Dany R. Mcbride is going to be a star. There’s no two ways around on it. He stole Pineapple Express with his role as the invincible and conflicted BFF drug dealer Saul. The man has a goofy lovable air around him that the audience attaches to no matter no matter how much of a jackass he may play. So, with that thought in mind, get ready, because ‘The Foot Fist Way’ is a frilly parade of cringe filled situations populated by people in Jack-Ass suspenders. Way back in 2006 this tiny little film was released and at its heart it's nothing more then a plot-less tangle of sketches that center around the riffing of Mcbride. He plays an ego-centric dim bulb taekwondo instructor who's trashy wife is cheating on him, he's fabricated a fantasy love scenario with one of his students and his entire life revolves around his Sunday Parking Lot Martial Art Demo Shows. He’s a loser. That’s why you should laugh. Don’t worry, the guy isn’t vehemently mean. He’s just really stupid. Sometimes that works (See Dumb and Dumber) but the creators of ‘The Foot Fist Way’ Director Jody Hill (who also plays the fifth degree best friend) and writer Ben Best (bringing all his long haired glory as action superstar Chuck The Truck) decide to play it for awkward laughs instead of going for the straight up TA-DA punch line. They ditch the big broad gags and settle instead for a constant chuckle filled atmosphere. It works in chunks, but as a whole it just left me bored. The most surprising part is that for an actor who seems to strive off improvisation (Supposedly all his best bits in Pineapple were of his own doing) I’m surprised, because for a film that seems to live off Improvisation (as some scenes never seem to end) Mcbride never really brings any of his A-game. He’s still an active magnetic screen presence, but I could only muster a small polite grin as he trundled on through the mediocre material. Everything does reach an interesting climax, but the situation never regally delivered on. Did they run out of money? I’m curious to see what Jody Hill will bring to his next outing, a big budget comedy starring Seth Rogen called “Observe and Report”

Ghost Town (USA. 2008)

WATCH THE TRAILER HERE

Sometimes subject matters don’t interest me from the get-go.

Not even oh-so-creative taglines like “A mean man (Ricky Gervais) begins to see ghosts and is haunted by one (Greg Kinnear) that wants him to break up his ex-wife’s (Téa Leoni) marriage plans.”!?

Hmmm. Nope. I think that was the plot for an episode of the Ghost Whisperer.

Did I tell you that the man is really annoying and he’ll have a character changing Epiphany at the end of---Hey! I didn't say you could leave!

*A brief scuffle ensues. A scream sounds and is cut off in a gurgle. Someone unrolls a roll of duct tape.*

What about the Director/Screenwriter? He can fill you with hope right?

We’re talking about David Koepp here, he’s the “airequote” writer “airquotes” who politely raped the last Indiana Jones, has delivered workman like screenplays for tons of Hollywood Blockbusters (“War of the Worlds”) and directed a few half-decent films (“Stir of Echoes”) in his career. Not enough to make me fork over the dough for a seat.

What about the actors?

The film is the first starring feature role for British comedic powerhouse Ricky Gervais. The man may seem like a bit of a dick when he talks to the press (Especially when he irks the might of such Directors as Edgar Wright as seen HERE) but his shtick as the extremely awkward goofball on UK series ‘The Office’ and ‘Extras’ has made him a household name. Would he bring the funny? Bah. I don’t really care. I’ll catch it on cable when it comes out.

Right. Okay. What else is playing?

SPOILER: Nothing else was playing.

The premise doesn’t really go anywhere new and the story is hackneyed to the limit of tear-jerking bluntness (See…There’s this white light that appears when the ghosts go to hell…or is it heaven? Isn’t that sad? ), yet, I still enjoyed it as it rolled along. It never felt forced. Sure, we know that our hero is going to get the girl, but it’s the actual process that matters. Ricky Gervais succeeds at translating his stuttering self to the big screen without having to rely on slimy pity to keep the comedy going. His lines are funny, his character is funny and he actually gets a chance to emote a few times without seeming like he walked in on the wrong film. I can’t picture him doing anything else then a slightly awkward British gent, but guess that’s why the call them “character actors”. The rapid fire banter between the curmudgeon Gervais and the recently deceased womanizer Greg Kinnear (Solid as usual) is the highlight of the entire picture. We’ve seen the whole “Invisible Person only I can See” played off a million times before, but it’s rarely this solid.

It isn’t bad way to spend an evening, but I wouldn’t recommend seeing this in cinemas, unless you know, nothing else is playing.

Whasango (SOUTH KOREA. 2001)

Life is busy so more lame reviews from the past! Sorry about this, but I should get back into the groove of things once all of those social foibles iron themselves out and things start to hop along at a regular jolt. Until then, enjoy my 2002 self!

***

When you watch the starting of a movie, you can usually tell how it’s going to turn out from the first 15 minutes. (That’s a really biased statement, but it’s the truth!) Whasango drops the viewer into the action without a pat on the back or even a “Hey Guy’s get ready for this”.

A teacher is writing with his back turned to his students. Clenching his teeth he spins around screaming “No sleeping in class!” while throwing his chalk like a lighting bolt across the room. And when I say ‘Like a lighting bolt.’ I mean it in a in the literal sense. The piece of chalk leaves a spinning bullet like trail as wavers wildly toward its intended target. Inches away from making contact it stops…Our hero (Jang Hyuk) looks up from his desk. The piece of chalk is frozen inches from his face. Jang gives it a really nasty glare which spins the chalk around and throws it directly into the teacher.

Freeze on Jang’s face.

Like a Polaroid shot the image turns black and white and a red stamp comes down reading “EXPELLED!”

That’s the plot. A kid who’s been at the unlucky end of the stick since he was young gets his final chance at passing high-school. He’s not a bad guy or anything; it’s just the godly power he foolishly possesses keep getting in the way of him leading a normal life. Plus his new school “Volcano High” (International Name of the film) is a haven for energy ball throwing, power hungry maniacs. To try to wrap up some kind of ending for the film we also have a “Secret Scroll” that everyone is after except Jang.

The directors wisely chose to use less widely known stars here. He obviously had the backing to have the great of the great, but he decided to go with littler known actors. There facial expression will remind you of a live-action cartoon. Which in the context of the movies is a good thing…and funny as hell!

Since “The Matrix”, every action film with its characters doing wild things is compared to it.* Whasango with its extremely fun premise and its gravity deifying action scenes has suffered because of the M franchise. Other than the use of slow motion, how can you make a comparison?

Any action during Whasango (until the end) resolves itself within 1 to 2 minutes. When the final twenty minute showdown arrives…We witness one of the most mind-blowing spectacle of people wearing black cloaks dodging energy balls in the rain!

Oh wait. Don’t think I’ve seen that before.

On a final note:

This film isn’t for everyone. It’s ‘style over substance’ or as my brother put it after the whole movie in one sitting:

'My eyes HURT!’

DVD: (Cinema Service)

This package is the DELUXE two disc UNCUT (MUST STOP WRITING IN CAPITALS!) edition of the film. The colours are a bit faded but it was intended (CGI enhanced as I recall). The second disc packs a wallop with it’s seemingly (In other words. I have no freaking idea) two hour long documentary. No subtitles are offered for these features but they mostly contain the set up for wire work, or bloopers and cuts. There aren’t any sequences with cast members sitting in front of a camera talking. That’s the job of the other documentary on the disc. Plus we get Story-board to film comparison, Music Videos, Audio Commentary, and CGI making of….

Another disc that's available is the Hong Kong "International" cut of the film...It supposedly comes with everything else that it's cousin contained, including the deleted scenes on the second disc.

* The French “Brotherhood of the wolf” poster’s tagline was “16th century matrix"

(TV) Pushing Daisies: SEASON 1 (2008)

WATCH THE TRAILER HERE

On the surface, Pushing Daises looks like any other ‘high-concept’ show that lasts a handful of episodes before disappearing into the bottomless hole of cancellation. Conceptually it would fit comfortably in the company of such masterworks as “Handicapable: The Armless Detective who only solves Paraplegic Mysteries” or “DogWow: The dogs are the new masters!” The basic one line bullet head of Pushing Daises: “A man named Ned (Lee Pace) can bring the dead back to life to solve their murders” That’s all right on its own, but it’s the little details that make it work: He brings the dead back to life by touch, if the pre-dead-now-alive stay alive longer than a minute, something else in the general area has to die (of equal value) and if the man touches the original dead thing (now alive) again it will die again, this time of permanently. Confusing? Only when I explain it. It’ll make more sense after the first corpse springs to life.

Ned runs a pie shop (Named ‘The Pie Hole’) and spends his free time with freelance detective Emerson Cod (Chi Mcbride) getting the dead to tell them how they died and then collecting reward money for catching the murderer/explaining it to the deceased’s relatives. During one of their routine ‘re-awakenings’ Ned brings back to life a murdered girl named Chuck (Anna Friel) and it turns out that Chuck was Ned’s childhood sweetheart. He’s so shocked that he lets a minute go by (and an innocent kicks the bucket as a result) so now he’s stuck with the love of his life, but now can never touch. Oh, and everyone still solves quirky murder mysteries.

Pushing Daisies goes the extra mile by an creating an entire universe to call its own. It looks like the real world, but you never get the sense that you’ve actually been there. It’s fashioned without shame on the the work of Jean Pierre Jeunet (Director of the romantic French comedy “Amelie”). The visual design in Pushing Daises oozes quirkiness. Everything is slightly more colorful, a little bit more exaggerated and touches more real then we’re all used to in everyday life. The fluffy mood is a startling contrast to the more gruesome aspects. (The dead don’t always die pretty) but it all works because everyone’s in on the joke. The characters may be dealing with life shattering revelations about existence itself, but they aren’t too worried about it at all. Blame it on the completely naturalistic report between all the leads. Lee Pace is puppy dog innocent as the man with the powers and his struggles to live with them. Chi Mcbride plays his narcissistic detective sidekick. The girl-that-can-never-be-touched-by-our-hero, Chuck (Anna Friel) is a peppy ray of light that’s naïve without ever being annoyingly innocent. For a show that relies so heavily on eye-catching visuals, the fact that all characters are just as engaging should be a lesson for every suck-tacular high gloss FOX show.

There’s no show on the air like Pushing Daises. It adopts a ballsy cinematic direction that fits together its mood, its characters and even the stories (as lightweight as they may be) in a direction that would have most common audiences call it “Hmmm…That’s weird”. Rest assured, that even though the first season only has a nine episodes, that was due to the writer’s strike and not the dreaded cancellation chop. It’s actually been picked up for a second season (13 episodes as of this writing) so the world can only open up that much more. More people with odd powers?

(TV) It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Season 3

TRAILERS FOR SEASON FOUR

Frank: "Why did you drag us to a place like this? It smells like the bottom of a birdcage.

Mac: "Lots of shady shit goes down at nursing homes, Frank...okay? These places are like prisons."

Frank: "Like people getting ass raped?"

***

“Seinfeld on Crack” is such an easy way to describe this new FX comedy show. I’ll leave it at that. See it

No. You can’t have your money back. Fine. I’ll give you a little bit of extra detail. I’ll expect extra though.

The setting is a dead-end alley called “Paddy’s Pub”. The “heroes” (Riiiight) are the three owners (Charlie Day), Mac (Rob McElhenney), Dennis (Glenn Howerton) and his waitress sister Dee (Kaitlin Olson). Somewhere along the line Dennis and Dees father (but not really?) Frank (Danny Devito) gets involved as the mastermind. They have adventures. They have some laughs. They are incredibly horrible people.

Remember how Seinfeld had relatively likable people doing horrible things? Well, on this show they aren’t’ likable at all. They’re loud, obnoxious, self centered and stupid. There’s absolutely no limit of their horrid actions these people will go through. The gang tries to pick up chicks at an abortion rally. They try to get black friends to be less racist. They even get addicted to crack.
And that’s just the first two season.

The writers in the third season (who also happen to be the three male stars) feel that there’s no rock bottom. You can always go lower. It’s a good and bad thing. The first two seasons were more or less grounded, but in the third one the plots go completely ape-shit. Dee isn’t sure if her boyfriend is mentally retarded. Dennis becomes a man-whore. Mac becomes a serial killer. Charlie gets addicted to multiple illegal substances.

If none of that raises the mere chuckle, then let me make this clear, Sunny isn’t for you. If you can laugh at the mere plot summary, I’m pleased to tell you that the performers bring it their all to the ARM-WAVING-SCREAMING-BEADY-EYED-MADNESS. Sunny is one of the most laugh out funny shows on Television right now (And FX ordered another 39 episodes) but enjoying it also makes you a bad person.

Paul Verhoeven Sci-Fi double-shot. Starship Troopers (USA 1997) and Total Recall (USA 1990)

Two of Paul Verhoeven's more successful ventures are on the review board today, both of them stand-bys in the not-so-crowded "lame but really entertaining sci-fi movies" catalog.

First up is 1997's Starship Troopers. What is there to say? If you're a respectable geek chances are you've probably seen already. It is at once a big budget action film, teen soap-opera and fascist satire. From it's opening jingoistic "newsreel" segment, it signals to you that not only is it not taking itself seriously, but it expects you to play along.

The film, (very) loosely based on the sci-fi novel of the same name by Robert Heinlein, follows the lives of several idealistic youth as they fight an insectoid race from the other side of the galaxy. The first 20 minutes of the film is almost unbearable to watch, but it's not the craft of the film that offends. Visually and aurally the film is a delight, despite "old" CG effects. It's the twinge-worthy soap-operatics barely supported by the thematic foundations laid down by an invalid Michael Ironside.

The world is controlled by a world-wide federation. There is no more conflict, no more war. By all appearances, the future of Starship Troopers is an idyllic one, where racism and poverty have been eliminated. However, the totalitarian undertones soon seep through the plastic surface. I can understand how a young teenager could fall into the escapist fantasy of "fighting for the federation" and all the bug-blasting and shower-scening it would entail, but it would take a really thick-skulled young 'un to still feel that way after the "Federation" displays its ignorance and disdain for human life, 90% of the cast is killed in a myriad of brutal and gory ways and the survivors become willing slaves to the system.

The film picks up after the introduction of the world and the characters with the first major action sequence, and what follows is part machismo balls-kicking action and part solemn nationalism (federationism?). The end of the film (bookended with a scene similar to that of the very start) is like a test. Have you actually paid attention to what is actually happening, or where you there for the explosions and boobies? It has to be said that Verhoeven succeeds on both levels. He perplexed critics in 1997 by making a goofy, but ultimately entertaining action film that incorporated tongue-in-cheek critiques of radical political systems. A far more entertaining and disturbing film would be the one chronicling the rise of the global federation, and the slaughters and betrayals it took to make it.

Do you want to know more?

Second on my list today is an earlier Verhoeven effort: 1990's "Total Recall". Starring Arnold Schwarzenneger, Michael Ironside and Sharon Stone, it's a glorious ode to pulp sci-fi and extreme gore (epitomized by the juiciest of all squibs, the "Verhoeven Squib"). The plot is straightforward enough, but packs enough psychological twists to refresh it over a 113 minute running time. It concerns the adventures of the troubled Douglas Quaid as his life is twist-turned upside down after he attempts to get memory implants of a trip to Mars, as a Secret Agent! Of course, this attempt errupts into grunting and screaming, a bloody outburst and one, long, hour and a half chase sequence.

The movie never really lets up on the violence for more than 4 or 5 minutes at a time, and by the end the body count has become impressive indeed. The whole film is concerned with the question: "Is Quaid a secret agent, or is this all an implanted memory?". The question is never clearly explained, and the ending is ambiguous. It would take a half-dozen viewings or a gander at the wikipedia page to know the final conclusion.

However, the heart of the movie is not in conclusions and resolutions; it's in blood, guts and adventure delivered in spades! So if you're looking for your dose of "Eaughaughaur!" Arnoldizms or just blood and guts, this movie should satisfy your needs.

Eaugharrrh! (epic spoilers)

1941 (USA. 1979)

WATCH THE TRAILER HERE

Why hasn’t Steven Spielberg directed a flat out comedy yet? He’s done everything else under the sun, pulled it off with a fair amount of creative flair and then proceeded to collect the giant piles of money that have followed. If someone can direct one of the highest grossing films ever made, comedy should be a piece of cake! His work has always had a persistent undercurrent of humor, but there’s always a dramatic undercurrent to back it up. I wonder what he’d do if his only mission was to make the audience laugh.

Oh. Wait. He did make a comedy. It was called 1941. People just don't like it very much.

The story follows roughly fifty people (Treat Williams as a sleazy solider and John Belushi as a crazy drugged up fighter pilot being the highlights) caught up in the paranoid frenzy of a fantasy Japanese attack. There’s racial tension, fights, the appearance of an actual Japanese subs and lots of people falling over.

1941 is the unwanted child of people that WANT to make you laugh, but aren’t quite sure how to go about it. They skipped doing their homework and picked up the cliff-notes version instead. What happens when characters, story and structure are thrown out the window and the funny bone is attacked straight away? It gets extremely expensive, exhaustively manic and ear split tingly loud.

I loved every second of it.

1941 could (Some say should) be circled and underlined in film text-books as a complete disaster. The young Spielberg (Fresh off of the massive person success of Close Encounters of the Third Kind) is obviously in way over his head. He squanders his all-star comedy cast, is erratic in the pacing department and answers every single problem by going big. If that dosen't fix it the only recourse is to go even bigger! Yet, that’s exactly the reason I love it. Spielberg’s repertoire of gags may be small, but he sure knows one down pat: If all else fails, break stuff. If that fails, DESTROY FREAKING EVERYTHING! We get a Ferris wheeling crashing into the ocean, a city block gets destroyed by a thousand brawling extras, planes dog fighting downtown and then crashing into streets and an entire life-size house falls off a cliff. Why? Because it’s funny to make things go boom! Most gags fall flat, but there’s no denying the creativity and the technical polish on display (A musical dance fight is the highlight of the entire film) There’s no middle ground here. The assaulted audience has two choices: Give in to the incredibly self indulgent madness ore actively loathes it for because of its many immature faults. I could physically feel the money hemorrhaging on screen as every second ticked by. The film is absurdly long at two hours and a half (Supposedly the set was complete chaos with things being added left and right depending on people’s moods) and I’d heartily recommend you watch it in chunks. Otherwise, you risk the chance of going completely numb.