FADE TO: I popped the original FEAST into the DVD player to the delight of all the people in the room. They gazed on in semi-bleary fashion. It took about twenty minutes before someone spoke.
“Why are we watching this?” he asked as a woman had a monster penis jammed down her throat, “This has no point.”
“You don’t understand!” I screamed “This is a solid mix of comedy, horror and splatter! You guys are SO WRONG!” And then I was sullen for AT LEAST ten minutes. We never spoke again.
Jump forward two years and change: The original director (John Gulager), the writers and some of the cast are back with FEAST 2: SLOPPY SECOND.
I take back my hissy fit. My friends must have seen into a future-television and instead of watching the pretty solid first film that night, they must have been seeing this film instead. It all makes sense now!
Picking up right after the first film ended, Sloppy Seconds attempts to up everything that people liked about the first film by making everything bigger. They fail miserably. Instead of a wink-and-a –nod cast of slightly self aware horror architects we get a massive cast of characters we could care less for. The Biker Chick (The Director’s Wife) from the first one returns (Well, her sister does at least), the director’s father is back for no reason (Paycheck!) and there’s some Mexican wrestling midgets (None of them are the related to the director. To my knowledge) that don’t do much! It’s a lot less fun then it sounds. Imagine all those characters on a badly green screened roof set. Then they do nothing. You’ve created your own version of FEAST 2!
They all head off into town to meet with a bunch of unmemorable actors and they – you know – I’m not quite sure what the story of this film was. They kind of hang around on a roof and try to get into a prison. That’s about it. The seemingly cool monsters are pushed into broad daylight and are completely rob them of any of the mystique they once had. The gore is an even sadder affair. Almost no one dies in the film (Even though the cast is massive) and the gore arrives few and far between. There are a few absolutely tasteless gags involving grand-mothers and babies but it couldn’t save the train-wreck. I can’t forgive a film that delivers most of its splatter in a CGI fashion. Doesn’t the creative team know abt better? And if you’re telling yourself that they’re saving it for the climax, forget it, the second the shit really hits the fans we cut away and the credits roll. WHAT THE HELL!? Are they saving it all for the film they shot back-to-back with this one, FEAST 3: HAPPY FINISH? Maybe this is all a joke and the third film will explain it for the people slow in the audience, namely, me.
I want to end this review with a pun on the title SLOPPY SECOND. I won’t do it. I’m a better person then that.
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