Things (CANADA. 1989)

"It's bleeding like maple syrup!"

For their own good, everyone on the planet should see THINGS. The government should make it a mandatory classroom experience. Parents should lull their children to bed with its tales. The Army should use it as a weapon of mass destruction. Shot in Toronto, Canada by a bunch of Good Old Hosers that never grasped that they were messing with evil forces, one thing is clear:

THINGS is essential to our evolution as a species.

It is without a doubt one of the most incompetently written, shot, edited, and…my…god…the…pain…acted films I’ve ever seen. I was only dimly aware of being alive as the images rolled before my eyes. The only thing that kept me from running away screaming was a voice hthat arshly whispered the mantra “This must have been a joke, there’s no way they could think that…MY GOD, WHY? WHY!?” I think that voice was me.

The film starts with a dream sequence in which a young woman (Played by a Toronto Hooker) wearing a devil mask gets full frontal nee-kid as a bespectacled nerd named Doug (Doug Bunston) watches on. We then meet friends Don (Barry J Gillis) and his drinking buddy Fred (Bruce Roach) who arrive at Doug’s house to, well, drink beers. They do. Then they sit around. We get to admire Don’s mullet and wicked dirty stache. Fred turns on a light. Don gets the dog to sit. Fred stares at a picture and comments that it must be an original. They laugh like overdubbed hyenas. The camera is never quite sure who’s going to talk next so we get lots of awkward framing, jarring cut-aways to people smiling and long rambling discussions about plastic fish. Everything is lit in bright blues and reds. Why? Because...Well...

Time passes. The suspense is unbearable.

Every now and then we're treated to random cut-aways to porn star Amber Lynn as a fully clothed newswoman (Reading cue cards held up to the far right of her vision) talking about things like the copyright status of "Night of the Living Dead". Don't question it. Just accept.

Doug shows up, burping and farting his way across screen, and starts to bitch at his friends for not bringing food. They eat a sandwich. They drink more beer.

Twenty have minutes passes and it feels like I’ve lived a lifetime, raised kids and been stuck in crappy retirement home. Suddenly, Fred disappears and Doug is covered in blood. The only reasonable explanation is that Fred got sucked into the “4th, 5th and 6th” dimension. At this point, Doug decides it’s important to takes his shirt off and get a paper towel rub down. This takes roughly five minutes. I think you have a general idea where I’m going with all this and I haven’t even gotten to the part when the immobile monsters attack! It turns out that Doug’s wife has an operation to have a child and the result is her giving an Alien-Style birth to a potato with teeth. The watery ‘bloodbath’ that erupts is an amazing acting feat of Oscar like caliber. Our heroes (?) scream, giggle and run from creature that can’t actually move. We also get an intermission to all the pulse pounding thrills in which Doug and Don sit around and…drink beers. “Get me a beer you oaf and make yourself usefull!” Don barks to his friend who’s still covered in his dead wife’s blood. We crazy Canucks sure know how to cut through the grief and get fun going again! Barry J Gillis is awe-inspiring as our hero. He's so good that he can go from passive to EXPLOSVIELY ANGRY in the same mundane conversation. That takes skill.

Don’t be fooled! The excitement doesn’t end there. We also get a long and drawn out summary of a sci-fi novel that’s completely unrelated to the ‘story’ , a seven minute pantomime trek to the bathroom to take a ‘wicked piss’ and the most quotable lines since ‘Monthy Python and The Holy Grail’. Play at home!

- “There’s so much Blood. There’s Blood Everywhere” (Repeat this Forty times)

- “Ugh. Argh. Urgh. Argh” (Literally read that off the page. Don’t add any semblance of trying to make it sound real)

- “Whatthefuckareyoutalkinagabout?” (With angry eyebrows and pursed lips for added impact.)

I haven’t even gotten to the part with smiling mad doctor arrives (Who likes to call people “Looney Tunes!”), the power drill/chainsaw filled climax and the the super-secret twist! I’ll save you the surprise. You owe it to yourself to see THINGS, subject your friends to THINGS and force your enemies to suffer through THINGS. You’ll feel pain like you’ve never felt before, but remember, it’s all for the greater good. Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to go lie down for a few days and try to get the experience out of my system.

*SOB*

DVD

A completely loaded Special Edition? I don't know if I can last the whole through without gouging my eyes out in cinematic extacy. Things (Ha---A Pun---I’m sorry. I'm so sorry) is attended by off almost the entire cast/crew and the star Barry J Gillis's daughter Victoria. It starts off amicably enough, but before you know it it’s completely crashed and burned with such highlights as Veronica screeching into the mike that “This film is ridiculous. You have MAN BOOBS!, Barry star burping constantly (Right into the mike) and yelling at everyone to “Shut up! Be nice and watch the movie. It’s almost done.” and a hilarious minute where everyone babbles “We weren’t gay…We weren’t…Let’s not talk about it anymore.” It makes little sense, it’s almost inaudible and after watching it I’ve had difficulty focusing on everyday tasks. It’s the perfect THINGS commentary track.

There’s also a rambling (Would we want it another way?) 49 minute retrospective, a party version of tje film with onscreen instructions ("Burb as loudly as possible" "Make barnyard animal sounds!"), deleted scenes, TV interviews (From back in the day), a video message from extremely stoned/die hard Thing-fans and tons more to keep you crying long into the night. The visually cramped but oddly appealing purple fold out DVD case with its 80’s cover art fits the move perfectly. For 10$ on thing1989.com, there’s no reason for you NOT to have this essential existensial film in your collection.