I’ve done the impossible. I’ve sat through two films directed by the (so-called) worst director working today…UWE BOLL! Did I make it out with my sanity intact? (Was it ever?) Did he force me to swear off movies forever? Do I still love fluffy puppies? The answers are more terrifying then you could EVER imagine.Reader's Discretion is Advised.
POSTAL (USA. 2007)
You can rest assured. Postal is a literal adaptation of a video game that is centered on a no-named dude (Postal Guy!) killing random people, lighting ‘em on fire and then covering them in a golden shower. Canadian go-to supporting guy Zachary Ward stars at the Dude. His life sucks, he can’t get a job and his wife is cheating on him. He decides to plot a robbery with his religious leader uncle (Dave Foley) that will make him incredibly rich! All they have to do is live through an attack by Taliban, religious nuts thirsting for Armageddon and the midget from Austin powers being raped by a 100 monkeys. Wow. That’s offensive. Does that equate comedy? Hmmm…Not really. You’ll get a chuckle because ‘They filmed THAT’ but the laughs have gone on vacation. Gags about 9-11, a gunfight were only the under 10 set get blown away and morbidly obese people having sex is kind of funny in a ‘ha-ha’ way but it doesn’t mystically turn into genuine amusement. It’s bottom of the barrel stuff with zero innovation. The only interesting thing is that they actually did it. This isn’t satire. It’s poking you in the eye and going ‘Uh-Uh! You feel that! Uh-Uh?” At its rotten roots, Postal is nothing more than a big budget Troma film. We’ve got tons of slaughter, dumber then dumb jokes and goofy acting front to center. The only discerning point being that they actually have a budget! The cinematography flows, the visual effects are surprisingly solid and the practical effects are gooey. I don’t doubt for a second that it was funded by ‘Nazi gold’. Clearly Dr. Boll’s greatest (That hurt) film yet, Postal is fun for a watch, but even at an hour and a half it wears out its welcome pretty quick.
Then again, how can you turn down some full frontal nudity from Kid in the Hall alumni Dave Foley? You can’t.
SEED (USA. 2007)
Urghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Billed as a ‘Serial Killer Revenge Film!’ (Thunder Crashes) Seed tries really hard to kill every possible inkling of enjoyment that could be found in the concept. The rumor goes that Uwe Boll (who doubles as the screenwriter) accidentally deleted the script from his computer after being ¾ of the way through. Instead of doing something logical like re-writing it, he decided to improvise most of it on set. God wept. Without an actual script to orient the terrible actors, we get many a scene that goes on….and on…and on…and on….It takes forty minutes before the hulking serial killer (who does look pretty cool) actually sits in the electric chair, then another ten minutes for him to get up and actually start his slow, methodic and dull…zzzzzz…killing. The main characters spout gibberish, answer phones and do stuff in an artistically inclined (Pfffft) fractured narrative. It all looks pretty good though, I’ll give it that. Uwe Boll believes that shooting everything deadly serious in long static takes counts as gut-wrenching horror. If by ‘horror’ he meant ‘Made me roll up into the fetal position’ then he succeeded. I don’t want to see a scene of a baby crying for five excruciating minutes before it dies, followed by a dog, then a woman. It’s not entertainment or art on any level. AVOID IT! PLEASE! AVOID! THINK OF THE PUPPIES!
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